And I feel d i r t y lying on my bed, I (sh)could go and get washed but why would I when I can be screwed up instead? J u s t another teenager who wants to be fucked in a time when being happy means being a prep, a bitch; shallow, blonde haired and stupid.

Cos they all want v a n i l l a dreams but it's no fun without the spices; vodka and cigarettes and d i r t y boys who don't care if you know what's going on or not. God what I wouldn't give to light up right now.

And I j u s t read a poem that makes me want the summer, lying on green grass that's greener somewhere else, sunshine heating stick b r o w n limbs and plucking flowers apart because you always want to know the future; it's a l w a y s better than where you are now, and you don't even think that five years ago you were thinking the s a m e thing and now you've reached that age where you thought it would all go good but nothing's changed and you're just hanging on a little l o n g e r, one day at a time my darlings.

And random t h o u g h t s run through me and make me ache for a pen and some paper but it's never there because f i f t e e n year old girls don't write, not anything that's worth shit other than recording implosion a n y h o w.

And what is there to w r i t e when you've lived in the same small town all your life, and

you've got no idea who you are or where you're going and all you know is that same d e s p e r a t e sweat that stinks off everybody around here because you're not going anywhere speciall i t t l e girl.

And it's s p i n n i n g through you and you don't even know what it is because you could live to be a hundred and never f i g u r e life out and they don't know what you're thinking, what y o u are inside; j u s t like you don't know them really either.

So shut the fuck up and get on with l i f e and if it gets too hard then do something about it; dig a little d e e p e r, drink a little f a s t e r and maybe even blow five pounds on lung cancer because quitting don't mean anything to anyone nowadays anyway.

Welcome to my l i f e.