three wishes

i don't want/mean to remember everything
that has happened. why can't i just forget
(like you already have)? but you don't bleed
(at all) like me so i could see (in a sense) why
you chose to forget. (i've learned that linger
-ing in memories hurt more than just myself).

and if these tears could make you under
-stand then i wouldn't be crying anymore.

at first, i chose to run away (from all my
problems), thinking that i could escape but
i was shot back into reality the moment i
stepped into the therapist's office with more
than just scars on my wrists. it was there
and then when i first came to understand
it was really all you effecting me like this.

let's play a game that i do with my younger
patients. if you had three wishes, what would
you wish for? i watched her scribble on paper
as i said each one (silently i made a fourth one
and wished that nothing had ever happened)
and then i realized how much you meant to me
(because i don't bleed for just anyone, you see).

and if you only knew how many times the gun
called to me, you would surely think differently.
(moving away from all that i knew just added to
the weight i already felt.) why is it that she was
the first one to show that she cares (does she?)
when she was never involved? i only wanted
this between you and me (but then i found out
how good it felt to talk about my feelings).
but why is it that this continues to eat away at
everything i try to do to make this go away?

(i will never believe in myself like i used to
although these pills are supposed to help).

May 15, 2006

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author's note: this was never intended to be this long. i was trying really hard not to have a breakdown while writing it. it's just - it's been a year since everything started and i wish that i could forget but nothing in life is ever that easy. i guess this is sort of an ode to everything that has happened during the past 12 months. i hope you all enjoyed & please, do tell me what you think.