May 18, 2006

I want to live.

I know it all ends eventually, or even quite possibly now, but while I am here, I don't want to regret not doing something that I really wanted to.

I want to live without too much notice from everybody.

I don't like attention because I question its value, its motivation, its intention.

I question the intention of attention?

Maybe that's what was done to me. I know now that it wasn't right, but then, I didn't know. I guess I was gladly receiving attention, even though I don't believe I was lacking it before then.

Maybe now I distrust attention because of that experience.

Does this make any sense?

I accepted the attention then…and found out it was all so – completely twisted and incorrect. Just Wrong.

Maybe now that is why I wait for the "OK Go" from the actions of others before taking a leap. Any leap, big or small, I wait and see, because I took it wrong once.

Maybe now that's why I don't really understand other people. My image of the world will forever be just at least a little bit distorted from what could have been. What could have been.

Because, it wasn't right. It wasn't okay. But it happened, and I CAN'T TAKE – IT – BACK. Damn it.

I can't take it back. He can't take it back. And talking it into the ground can't Take It Back.

All that's left, that I know of, is my buried memory, which I tried once or twice to express, and an unconventional viewpoint. All that's left is a slightly morbid outlook…

All that's left is a very, very desperate desire to be loved without strings. Without wrongness. Without wanting it hidden.

I want to live without too much notice from everybody. Except the right person.