IJust Can't Love You by: Negasi


As I sit here in my desk, second closest to the door in the classroom, I take refuge in my mind as the teacher blabs on about something in math. I think it has something to do with the angles, but I really don't care. I noticed he was making an attempt to be funny by saying something about the fact he was like Superman, and to my surprise I found it genuinely humourous. I should really pay more attention to school, I know if I tried I could understand this stuff, but I've got too much going on. I've got too make sure I look good, make sure I can keep in with my friends and not go down lower in the ranks, and above all not love anyone I can't. I know many boys are after my heart, but many of them are, rude, aggresive, and all that kind of stuff. I understand people think I'm cute and stupid, the easy type, but that doesnt mean anything. I'm not stupid, I just don't try hard enough. I am sweet and caring and there is nothing I'd rather do then hang out with friends, wait a minute, I know one looks at me a lot, but I don't think he likes me. Although I'm not sure, but he sure does look at me a lot. "Sam! Whats the supplement of 90 degrees?" the teacher asked me. I looked at him confused. I hadn't been listening for the last half hour, and now he was going to ask me?
"I don't know!" I half shrieked at him, not exactly meaning to, but I really didn't know. He looked at me expectantly. I looked at myself in the reflection of the window. My blonde hair was tied up in a bunch in the back, I looked beautiful, or so all the guys thought.
"If a supplementary angle adds up to 180 degrees, and you already have 90 degrees What is the supplement?" he asked once again "I don't know! Ninety degrees?" I said and I wished he would leave me alone and go pick on the smart kid or something. "Thats correct good job," he said and he smiled.
"Good job Sam," said one of the kids named Dylan. What a fag. I hate that kid, he's the dumbest idiot I've ever seen. Thinks he'll impress everyone by being a dumbass, but thats not going to work. I think he even likes me. Eeew. Well there goes the bell I guess I better go and talk to my friends.
I sit here in class, leaning back on two legs of the chair. I run my fingers through my brown hair and look in the window at the reflection of my green eyes. They call me Geek, and I let them. One of these days I should tell them it's kind of demoralizing, but I can't bring myself to do it. No matter what they'll still always call me it. Maybe I should just learn to live with it, I mean it's not the worst thing I have to live with, No that spot is taken by the fact that I love her, but I know she doesn't love me. Today I'm totally out of it. I hear the teacher making jokes, asking questions, and then I hear that fag Dylan trying to show off. If he ever gets into a fight with me it's not going to end up well for him. I can't stop thinking about her, I never seem to be able to. The teacher assigns us some simple work, which some subconscious part of my brain does, while the rest of it is focused solely on her. Oh, there goes the bell. I'll just sit here and think about her and before I know it, break will be over.
Now I'm out in the hallway, and I realise just how much that kid looks at me. Wow I wonder if he really likes me. I just couldn't love him, even if I wanted too. My friends would judge me hard. Oh well I suppose I'll just have to date one of my friends if they ever ask me, that way life won't be any harder. I don't even think I like him...I don't know! Life is so complicated, and I really hate making people feel bad...well except for a certain few, they can go to hell. "So what do you think about Geek?" I asked my friends cautiously, wondering what they'd say.
"He's a geek, he's smart, and well he's weird," was pretty much the general answer I recieved. Now I wanted to know, why was he always looking at me? Oh break is over, time to go read. Huh, well it''ll give me time to catch up on my thoughts.
Why do I like her? She's beautiful, cute, sweet, caring, oh and did I mention just thinking of her makes my heart beat into my ribcage ten times faster. Would she ever like me? No of course not. I was a Geek who wrote poetry, read for fun, and made the weirdest comments. I doubt anyone would ever like me. Ah, well at least I've come to terms with my life. It won't stop me from loving her. It feels so right, but there is no way she loves me. Is there?