I tried (not) to

Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory--
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

Percy Bysshe Shelley~

Prologue

It has been 4 years

I found him dead,

Dead... because of me…

We were friends and I never thought that the love Sid gave to me that time would be the love that he soon gave to me when we grew older. I have been telling him not to fall in love with me but he refused. He told me that his love for me was so strong, that no one could break it. He was wrong of course.

And I was wrong too. I thought it would not happen. I thought that I could not love him and most of all, I tried not to love him but at a young age, 19, I started loving Sid and things went in a good way. However, the thing that has been haunting all of me kept coming in and out at the back of my mind.

And after a short span of time, Sid died. A car accident broke his handsome face. His mangled body was found several hours after the accident had happened and the broken pieces of the car could be seen on the highway.

It was an agonizing sight. I came there as soon as I knew what had happened. If only I was with him by the time he was hit by that huge truck, we could have departed this life together.

He was planning to visit his parents the day he died. That day when I decided to stay behind because I thought it would be best if I gave them time to spend together as a family. Because soon, Sid would be married to me. I couldn't help but weep at that broken dream. We would have spent the rest of our lives together like we had planned, but his accidental death came, and I can't help but blame myself for what happened to Sid.

His parents telephoned me at once. His weeping mother was the first to call. Minutes after that, his father called. Before I can tell them about the thing that has been haunting me for ages, cowardice sprang inside me. I never had the courage to tell them about it and I promised never to show my face to them again.

I fled with the memory of Sid inside me despite the fact that reminiscing him would make my world stumble... but I couldn't help it if flashes of memories would cloud my mind.

"Best be off, Allodia. I love you", I sometimes hear his voice speak again. He had said millions of goodbyes to me but all of it was just temporal. The last goodbye was the real goodbye. Perhaps he had never thought that that would be the last words he would say to me.

"I love you," I often choke back, with tears on my face as I hear his voice replaying on my mind.

I closed my eyes and his face swam before me. I always wanted the way his kind expression smiled at me. No one had taken me by the hand with gentleness like him. Also, I frequently remember the way he covers my eyes whenever he wants to surprise me with flowers or gifts. He does it habitually. If he was here and he would cover my eyes like he always does, he would feel these hot tears flowing down my eyes or maybe there could not be a single teardrop if he was here because the mere memory of his death and absence was what made all these teardrops fall. Nothing made me cry while I was with him. I found my shelter while I was with him. It isn't home without him.

But now that he is gone forever, no one would do those things again.

It will all be just a dream and Sid's death would be my nightmare.

Four horrible years had passed since Sid died. I tried to forget him. Four years would be enough to carry that burden deep inside me. I promised myself that I would never love again. Loving is only fine if it does not involve murder.

I live in a hill that has a clear view of the city downtown. I want to be away from the rest of the world. Yes, I have moved on but I was afraid that I will risk another life so I bought a house on top of this hill with the fortunes I inherited and I locked myself away from the people.

I know that I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to love and be loved in return and witness death in front of me...