This is the sequel to Puddle of Memories, you don't need to read the Puddle to understand this story but if you do plan on reading it I would do it before reading Handbook. Handbook to a Suicide will give away the ending to Puddle of Memories.

The first part of the fallowing chapter is also found as the 2 epilogue on Puddle of Memories.

ok now it be good to stop reading and go to Puddle of Memories if you are going to read that story and don't forget if you do read it to let me know what you think about it. Any questions or reviews to finished stories will be answer on my livejournal the link is on profile.

Like always thanks for reading and reviewing.

edit 10/05/06 If you already read this I recommend scrolling down to where it says in bold letters NEW. That was added today.


He finally had it all success, love and millions of adoring fans. He blinded himself to the same signs his best friend would not see, he would never accept that next to him or Derek she was still just as jaded.

They had so much in common; they both loved the sight of their blood bubbling out of their skins, they both would die before hurting a friend, they both loved with more than their hearts and souls, they both where scared, they both where weak but he survived and she didn't.

He felt he let her down, she had saved his life once really was a simple mistake but still she walked in on the precise moment. He had never meant to go that far; all he wanted was to see more blood. She, she meant to go that far, she made sure no one would find her and that the time was right.

She took a shower and wore the pajamas he liked so much, she combed her hair and died it all black just like he liked, cleaned her skin and put the sweet lotion he bought her, sat on the soft bed she had chosen for their room, the bed they had yet to use. She left no note, she said no goodbyes, the signs where there obvious to who wanted to see and she didn't feel like adding to their guilt.

She pulled the pills out, pills she didn't know why she kept, pain killers for Derek's broken arm, sleeping pills Josh no longer took, Xanax that was prescribed for him two years ago after his failed attempt. When she started her collection she wasn't sure for what, she just picked a pill from here and there set them in her music box hidden from view.

She organized them by size from big to small, she poured some pills she had no clue what they where from a child proof orange bottle and then she watched as the bottle slid down the bed to the floor. One by one she swallowed the pills half way through she ran out of water and passed them down dry feeling the chalking taste in her mouth, the last pill went in with shaky hands.

She lay on the bed in the room she had chosen to be white. She felt the wind blow through the open window and closed her eyes thinking they'd blame the picture, a picture had nothing to do, it was the loneliness the despair the fact that she felt she wasn't worth anything. 21 and she had nothing left to give.

He walked into their house and yelled 'honey I'm home' the empty house echoed the words. He ran up the stairs and into their bedroom, soft white drapes pointing towards the bed. A chill ran down his back.

She looked like an angel her pale skin against the white bed her deep black hair contrasting with everything around it, she looked peacefully asleep. He wanted to kiss her awake like a fairy tale but instead of the sweet warm lips he was used to he felt the cold sour taste of death. Jumping back he crushed the bottle that once contained the venom that put her to an eternal sleep.

"Kate sweetie stop playing wake up, I came for you" he held her cold hard body against his chest.

He laid in their bed with her lifeless body in his arms, leaving their friend to find the macabre scene.

He loved her enough to give her up. Perhaps, now that he thinks about it she was never his. Kate to Derek had once been unattainable, she was the popular cheerleader and he was the science nerd.

All he ever wanted was to make a difference to change someone's life, but never this kind of change. He kept assuring Josh that this wasn't his fault and in Derek's eyes it was far from Josh's fault. Derek had played between them from the start. Claimed a love he had no right over, a love he didn't know how to take care. He made a difference alright; it truly was his entire fault. At least he felt it that way.

Everyone laid out the excuses for his blindness. Everyone was so ready to forgive his stupidity, even Kate herself had so easily forgiven his apathy.


He was sitting in front of his laptop, chatting with Lucy while he looked up tickets so she could come and visit him, when he got the call. A call he had never wanted to receive again, a number he didn't recognize but that something deep inside of him told him not to ignore.

Every part of his body seemed to be invaded by the worst chill he has ever felt before. It was a cold that no blanket or hug could ever rid him of, it came from deep with in him from his soul. Rachel's shaky voice wet with tears spilled the words that brought back all those fillings he had given up to give Josh and Kate a chance for happiness

"Something terrible has happened. Josh won't be returning to Germany" Derek felt like demanding for a reason. They where in the middle of a tour they had dates, a contract they couldn't just break. Josh was suppose to be back tonight with Kate. How would they find a replacement? Could they even play with a replacement? He didn't have to time voice all of this and his voice didn't allow him more than a "why?"

He had to break the news to the rest of the band. He said it robotically following the same pattern Rachel had used "It's Kate. We need to go back…Kate… Kate took some pills"


Rachel hadn't spoken to Kate in about three days. It was a bit selfish of her part that after starting a new relationship she didn't have time to keep up with anyone other than Brian. But she had been sure Kate would understand. Kate knew what love was like. Did she not give everything up for Derek? She dropped out of school, she left her parents home.

Her parents, Rachel would have to make the call, it was obvious that Josh was not up to it.


Rachel had been calling Kate and she didn't answer. After talking to Josh and setting up the surprise she had freed up a few hours in the afternoon to stop by their house to say goodbye before they left to Germany, she thought she might even drive them to the airport and have some time to catch up.

She was so sure this would be a wonderful surprise for Kate. Maybe this would bring her out of the shell she had been in for the past months. Closed in that house, refusing to leave waiting by the phone for Josh's calls, Rachel could tell her friend wasn't ok, but then what could she do about it? Kate wouldn't talk she had closed everyone out.

She stared at the paintings hanging on her wall, paintings that Kate had made for her. They where all beautiful all held such sadness to them, the colors and shapes seemed to hold in all that passion and feeling Kate would hide from the world. Kate has always poured everything she felt into her art.

Rachel held in her hands the bracelet Kate had giving her about a month ago. It really should have been a warning flag. It was the bracelet Derek had giving to her when she was pregnant it held her birth stone and the birth stoned of the baby, had the baby been born on time.

Rachel had asked Kate why she was giving her that, something she knew Kate held so dear. Kate had smiled and pointed out that the babies birth stone was the same as Rachel's.

"It's something special to me and I want you to keep it safe for me." That was all the explanation Kate had giving and Rachel had no strength to deny her.


That afternoon when she walked up the path to the large house Josh and Kate had chosen as their home, she could have never imagined what she would find. The house inside was beautiful, but it in no way resembled a home more like a museum. She remembered thinking it was because no one had lived in it yet. The walls had no secrets or memories and once they started their family after the tour when Kate and Josh spend some time together here it would then feel like a home.

Walking up the stairs fallowing the frightening sound of sobs she felt fear, fear that in no way compared to the pain and sadness of the image that would be burned into her mind. The bedroom door was opened and where it not for the tears rolling down Josh's face and Kate's blue lips she would have never thought anything was wrong.


Jay Bird and Zac where sitting in their hotel room. Jay bird was using his pencil as a drum stick and hitting it against the table while Zac was reading a book and trying to block out his noise. You would think that after so many years of knowing Jay and his weird quirks he would be used to his annoying little habits but they still managed to un-nerve the base player.

Jay Bird and Kate had never been truly close. Before she left the dark side like he liked to call it, she had the tendency to pick on him earning him the nick name of pee pee boy. But he will admit that he had grown to care deeply for her. Puddle of Dreams was a family they had all gone through so many things together and he had to admit that Kate was a big part of it. Yes she did cause a lot of tension between their lead singer and their guitarist, but she did work just as hard as they did to get to where they are.

Now Zac was a bit more lenient towards the whole thing. He knew how things went from the beginning. Zac is the type of guy that will tell you things like they are he won't sugar coat, but that doesn't mean he doesn't watch quietly.

He knew that Josh had loved Kate since middle school; he knew that Derek knew this. He knew that Kate fell in love with Josh sometime in their second tour and that Derek was just too busy changing the world to notice. He didn't know Josh and Kate liked to cut. He didn't know that Kate felt useless, that leaving her behind would be such a big deal. He expected everything to blow up and blow over soon enough, but when Derek knocked on their door that night in Germany he didn't expect the news they received.


It had been about two years since they last saw their daughter. It was harder for her, being the mother or so she thought. She had always been weak, never taking decisions of her own; when her husband dragged her out of the hospital room she should have fought a bit more to stay there. As a mother she should off ignored her daughter's harsh words and held her tightly in her arms. Her daughter was in pain; an indescribable pain and she did nothing but walk away.

They both continued their lives as though they had never had a daughter; perhaps secretly they both expected her one-day to come back. Laura kept little clippings from newspapers that featured her name. They didn't know she no longer was with Derek, they didn't know how much she desired a hug or a kiss from them. They knew nothing of her life.

Laura sat in her chair reading a magazine as her husband smoked his awful smelling cigar and read the sport section of his newspaper. The phone rang, both were startled by the sound it wasn't usual for them to receive calls this late. A part of them, which they both kept quiet, wished it would be news from Kate.

The phone lay nearer to Laura, but instead of reaching for it she stared at Phil expectantly as if waiting for his approval. Phil stood and took the cordless phone pressing

"Talk" before placing it near his ear.

"Mr. Baker?" I soft sad voice boomed through the lines directly towards his heart. His throat clenched expecting the worst. He always new a call like this, one-day would come. He hoped the distance would lessen the pain. Perhaps he should have stayed close to try to prevent it.

"Rachel" His voice did not waver; he was too strong of a man to let that ever happen.

"I'm sorry to call so late at night."

He passed on the news to his wife. He saw how the years seem to hit her all at once, she aged over ten years right there before his eyes, the grief to strong to even think about holding back.

He held her in his arms for once letting go as the tears strolled down his cheeks. What had he done? He'd left her alone to deal with the consequences of her actions, much too young to know any better. He closed the doors to her home leaving her alone. He'd never see her alive again. They would never have the chance to say I'm sorry.