That's Me

- - -

Dunno what I feel,

Bored or messed or what,

Angry sometimes,

Dopey at others,

I don't get it.

So rejected,

Why...why can't I be

Like other girls?

Pretend to be

Someone I'm not

Only for a day

Or so.

Somebody will look at me

And think,

"Yeah, she's okay,"

And then, maybe one day...

More.

But no,

Call me a drama queen

Or a bitch

Or whatever,

But can't somebody

...Anybody

Look behind the exterior

To me inside,

Look at my mind,

My views,

My goals,

And love me

Like they'd love

A beautiful woman,

Cuz I am not

Gorgeous,

Or perfect

Or pretty.

Sometimes...

I don't get why

People can be so

Confusing.

Have you ever

Had a conversation

With those

Awkward pauses?

Ditto.

Can't think what

To say,

Dunno what to think

Either,

Then the small talk

To pass the time.

Sighs

Parents say

"You don't need friends"

So how come

I become so dependant

On them?

I love them

Like sisters and brothers

And sometimes

I want more...

I embarrass myself,

Joke a lot,

Then again.

Ditto.

Back to square one.

Can't talk,

Don't understand,

Why my tongue refuses to speak,

Or my lips refuse to smile,

Or why my hands

Can't stop twiddling.

Why do I become so nervous?

Scared even.

Insecure.

So flipping insecure.

A self-righteous bitch.

Hypocrite.

That's what I am,

A stupid hypocrite!

I can talk shit,

Talk about religion and

Politics even,

But not about fashion

Or songs

Or movies.

Feel like a thickheaded

Bitch.

Again.

All over again.

Self-conscious.

Someone doesn't talk to me

And I feel rejected.

Feel like I'm not wanted,

Misread the signs,

Take it all in.

Then BHAM!

They find themselves cornered,

And I become the accuser,

The demander,

The needy weakling.

Never thought that I was so...

Weak...

So...Stupid...

Such a messed-up girl,

And again,

And again.

I mentally kick myself,

Withdraw.

Snap...breakdown,

Cry into a pillow,

So flipping stupid!

Wished that I was

Somebody else...

Anybody else...

But it's not enough...

I can't change...

I can't be popular

Or as outrageous

Or gorgeous

As I want to be.

Instead, I'll be...

Plain Jane,

A frigging pain

In the ass.

Let's talk politics

And religion

And studies...

But not

Normal things.

Why...why me?

Why can't I just be

Appreciated?

For who I am...

Why can't somebody

Love me

For me

Only me?

Somebody...

Anybody...

So again.

It starts.

I need someone

To love me.

So lonely.

So...weird.

Why am I like this?

Self-conscious,

Idiot.

Wished I could kill myself,

But no.

Too much of a coward.

Any day,

I could tell you

All sorts of stuff.

But you'll look at me

And think,

"Here she goes again,"

Then you'll laugh

And then.

The Rumors.

The lies.

The whispers behind hands.

Then I become

Paranoid

Withdraw.

Again.

And again.

And again.

So quiet.

So low.

And we return

To square one.

All over again.

So I get pissed,

So I swear

And rage and

Rant,

But it doesn't

Help,

At all.

I'm just me.

Plain Jane,

A frigging pain

In the ass.

That's me.