Hell in a Hand Basket

By: Shadow Seraph


Do you ever get that feeling that maybe life's a little bit too perfect? Because I've got that feeling right now, and let me tell you, it's definitely not reassuring.

I mean, I get good grades at the college I attend; I have a steady part-time job and my own apartment. I even have, what is arguably, the most gorgeous boyfriend in the entire world. Not that I like to brag or anything.

That being said, what could possibly go wrong?

Fast-forward thirty minutes.

"Look Austin, I just don't feel that we connect all that well."

I run a shaky hand through my hair, "We've been dating four months and you've only decided to tell me this now?"

"I like you, I really do. It's just…" He pauses and chews on his cheek thoughtfully, "our relationship lacks…spontaneity."

"Spontaneity?" I stutter out, "I, I came to visit you without calling first! And remember that time I called in to work sick? I wasn't even sick that day!"

"Well if that isn't spontaneous I don't know what is!" He rolled his eyes and chuckled lightly.

"Zack…" God I sound pitiful.

"I'm sorry Austin." He claps me on the shoulder and I turn to leave.

This just isn't fair! Everything was going so great! What did stupid Zack have to go mess everything up with his spontaneity crap? I am so spontaneous. Sometimes it even hurts to be so spontaneous. Yup. Hurts like the dickens.

God dammit.

I pull out my keys and shove them into the lock of my crappy old Plymouth Acclaim. My hands grip the steering wheel tightly and I swear I'm not pretending that it's Zack's neck. Okay, maybe a little. I breathe heavy and shaky as I weave through traffic. I think maybe I should have calmed down before getting into the vehicle.

I don't know why I'm so upset. It doesn't even bother me that much that I was dumped. It's just his reasoning feels like a blow to my pride. My manly, exciting, very spontaneous pride. It's so crazy I can't control it!

Yeah. I'll stop now.

But God if I had known that's what he thought…well I'm sure I would have done something to fulfill his spontaneity needs.

I pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex, surprised I made it alive as I was paying more attention to my thoughts than to the road.

As I'm waiting for the elevator to come I try to think of a way to prove Zack wrong; to show him that I take risks, that I'm a fun guy to be around.

I get on dazedly when it reaches ground level, and smack my head a few times, just in case some good ideas are hidden in the depths of my mind. The chime indicating my floor goes off at the same time my mind comes up with the most brilliant plan. I am such a genius, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

I hop on into my apartment after unlocking the door, all revived and happy. Immediately I search for a pen and pad of paper and once found, I seat myself on the couch. I furiously begin to write any and all ideas that pop into my head, scratching out random lines every now and then. Once I've finished what I've deemed to be the finished product, I read it over once more and go grab the cordless phone from the kitchen.

I take a deep breath and let out a girlish squeal (thank God no one heard that) before dialing a number I now know by heart. It rings once. Twice. Each ring makes my heart skip a beat. It's answered on the fourth ring.

"Hullo?"

I grin widely to myself, "Hey honey, what're you wearing?"

There's a pause on the other end then, "Uh shorts and a t-shirt."

"Well stud," I giggle because oh my god I can't believe I just used the word stud, "why don't we work on taking those off eh?"

"Um look-" He begins, but I cut him off.

"Shh. There's no room for talking here." I begin to breathe heavily and moan into the receiver.

"Hey man, are you alright?"

I vaguely notice that Zack sounds a bit different, but he always sounds a bit weird on the telephone.

"I'm fine Zack, just horny for a little bit of you baby!"

"Uh, man, I'm not Zack, sorry. I'll, uh, I'll go get him for you okay?"

Oh. My. God. No way.

"No, no wait!" I shriek into the receiver.

There's a lull and for a minute I'm terrified that he's actually gone to get Zack.

"Look man, do you want to talk to Zack or not? Because honestly this is all a little awkward and borderline creepy."

Jesus Austin, say something you idiot.

"Don't get Zack! In fact, pretend this never ever happened okay?"

The boy on the other end of the line laughs jovially before replying, "Sure thing Austin with a heart."

I'm momentarily stunned by his comment, then I begin to frantically worry. How does he know my name? What else does he know about me? What if he knows where I live? Is he going to come beat me up for harassing him? Or worse, what if he calls the cops?

"Dude calm down." I realize I must have voiced my suspicions aloud, "This is Zack's cell phone. He's got you programmed into it so your name pops up whenever you call. And don't worry, I'm not gonna call the cops or beat you up. Even if you are a perverted old man. So chill okay?"

I let out a big sigh of relief and find his words oddly comforting. Well, except for the perverted old man bit. I may be perverted, but I'm definitely no old man!

I open my mouth to thank the guy on the other end of the phone, but before I can get the words out the dial tone reaches my ears. I drop the phone back into the cradle and raise myself on shaky legs. I slowly make my way to the bathroom and turn on the cold water tap, shoving my head underneath the spray.

I can't believe I was such an idiot.

I raise my head and towel off, heading to the kitchen for a drink. As I open the refrigerator door the shrill chime of the phone rings and I nearly jump out of my skin. I ignore it letting the answering machine pick it up.

'Hey Austin, It's Zack. My kid brother just told me you called and that it was pretty important I call you back so here I am. I'm sorry about today, no hard feelings okay? Maybe we can still hang out and stuff, y'know, still be friends? Anyway, give me a call back when you get in okay. See yah."

Beeeeep.

Kid brother.

I just attempted to have phone sex with my ex-boyfriend's kid brother.

I am so going to hell.


A/N: Okay so just thought I'd toss this idea out there and see what you guys thought about it. Lemme know if you think I should continue and also lemme know if there are any mistakes, I didn't really edit this or anything... Oh and sorry for the excessive use of the word spontaneous. I couldn't think of any other word that fit. If anyone has one let me know. Haha. Anyways, R&R and I'll love you to pieces!