Author's Note: Thanks a lot for checking this out! I really appreciate it.
The concept behind this story is a superhero comedy, told in an episodic format, like a television show. As such, it parodies a lot of television conventions, over just comic books. What can I say? I watch way more TV than I read comics. Anyway, it's meant to be a fully blown comedy, but with a definite adventure aspect. Hopefully you'll enjoy it.
I actually wrote it a long time ago, over a year ago, so I'll be uploading chapters daily (hopefully), and anything you can pick out, mistakes wise or just a better way of saying things, would help me greatly refine this old story. So please feel free to complain!
Oh, and as if it wasn't strange enough in the episodic format, it's also written in first person (hence the title). I thought it'd be unique. I hope you enjoy and you'll tell me what you think!
The Diary of a Superhero
The Super Standard Episode Explaining the Origin
Summer. We were all sat around in shorts and t-shirts. Well, apart from me and Jo. We were stood. Playing pool could be difficult sat down. This wasn't any summer, it was the last summer. We had all finished school, and it was off to university soon, with all of us going our separate ways. We had all headed to the pool club for a laugh, trying to make the most of what was left. It was unusually hot for an English summer, but anything but rain was unusual in England.
Jo was smiling smugly while I observed my position. The cue ball rested snugly against the cushion, and directly in front of it was one of Jo's spotted balls. My remaining stripe was just past this, and away from the cushion, making it impossible to hit. I smiled.
"Okay, watch this. I'll chip it over the ball, bounce it off the back cushion and catch it on the return trip, knocking it into the pocket." Jo didn't look convinced.
"What ever you say Jack," he said through a smirk, "Just take the dammed shot."
I couldn't believe it.
In a split second my ball jumped his and ricocheted back, gently tapping my ball and causing it to roll into the pocket. Of course, I took this with all the modesty I always displayed.
"WHOA!" I cried at the top of my voice. "Did you see that!? That was awesome! I can't believe it! I rule!"
"That was fairly impressive," Jo had to concede. I guess I should point something out about Jo, 'Jo' is short for 'Joseph'. A lot of people seem to think when we introduce him he's a girl by that name, which can lead to a lot of funny jokes, but can be pretty confusing.
By now, I had run off and was explaining to everyone else about my shot. Okay, so maybe I didn't display much modesty. Ever.
Despite this amazing piece of luck, I still managed to foul and lose the game, to much mocking. We decided to call it a night, and headed home. Sadly, due to an incident involving two computer games I wanted to buy coming out in the same week, I was broke, and left to walk. Teaches me for being a nerd. My mates hopped on the bus, and left me to walk home on my own. To be fair to them, they offered me some cash so that I could join them, but I turned it down.
I ended up walking home, alone. I'm sure everyone's done that at some point. Sadly, that is where this tale stops being an ordinary story about ordinary people. I can say a lot about myself, but I cannot call myself ordinary. If I have to go anywhere, I fly. If I have to take a car, and can't get it in a parking space, I lift it up and drop it in. With one hand. And despite being able to fly, run or swim at speeds in excess of 300 mph I'm often late to everywhere because I'm busy saving the world. In short, I'm a superhero. My name is Jack Jones. With a name like that I guess I was destined to become one. And it was on this walk home that it happened.
I don't see how it can get any worse I thought to myself, without actually pondering why I thought that in the first place. Unfortunately, some omnipotent being was listening, because, as always when that line is thought, said or implied, it began to rain. I groaned, and considered running. I quickly decided I was far too lazy. I then pondered to put up my hood, before remembering I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Ah crap I said in my head.
"OH CRAP!" I heard someone shout. I stopped in my tracks, and listened carefully, unsure as to who said it or why. I heard a faint mumble from the direction of the cry. Someone was saying something, and they sounded angry.
I should have walked away, but didn't. I had to find out what was going on. I followed the voice, to find a small alleyway. It was naturally dark, but I could make out three figures. One held someone from behind, while another was in front of the figure. I could make out the figure being held was a woman, and the two others were men. I could tell this because one was fairly large, and constraining her, and the other was clutching his...private parts....groaning. It would appear she had just kicked him.
"I'm gonna kill her!" growled the man with the crushed nuts.
"You do that, I'll rob her." Said the second, clearly trying to subdue amusement. I knew I had to stop them. I was scared of course, but I had to. I couldn't walk away. I just couldn't let myself do that.
"Or you could just let her go," I yelled, trying to sound as intimidating as I could.
"Settle down Miss, we'll deal with you in a minute." I raised an eyebrow, not that they could see it. It took a few moments for his comment to sink in. I completely forgot everything that was going on around me.
"Wait. I'm not intimidating. That I can see. But how the hell do I sound like a girl!?" I screamed.
"Must be the long hair." Commented the girl being held.
"You stay out of this and be rescued!" I cried while subconsciously pushing my hair out of my face. I contemplated saying something about how that didn't affect voice, and just looks, but thought it would dig me deeper. Guess it taught me for having long hair. I sighed heavily.
"Do you guys mind if I start over?" I asked innocently.
"Knock yourself out." Replied the first thug.
"Yeah, easier for us that way." The second thug, (the ball-clutcher), was clearly not the brightest spark in the box. Hell, he wasn't the brightest spark the entire store.
"Let her go!" Came a deep and incredibly dramatic voice.
"Whoa!" Cried the idiot. (The thug, not me).
"That was an improvement." Nodded the one with more than two brain cells.
"But I- I didn't- It was-" I couldn't quite come up with what to say, considering I couldn't see the source of the voice. "Blibble." I said confidently, and then decided it had gone a bit wrong.
From a roof above, into the alley jumped a dramatic figure. A long black cape billowed behind him. In seconds he had taken out both the thugs. He turned to face me. I observed him, almost laughing. He wore a silver suit, covering his entire body. It looked to be made out of spandex, or something similar. He had two massive black boots, and two large black gloves. Across his shoulders were two large black shoulder pads, and hanging from these was a cape. Across his face was a mask, the silver spandex stretching up, with a black plate covering his entire face. The silver spandex was covered with black circles. He looked like a cross between a comic book superhero and a villain from a low budget kids show.
I turned to the girl on the floor, who was recovering.
"Can you say something please?" I asked. "I think my brain has broken."
"Don't worry, friend." Boomed the masked figure. "I am The Guardian, and here to protect you." I had to admit, the way he had taken out the guards was impressive.
"Guardian?" I asked curiously, but he continued as though it was a rehearsed speech.
"I am, what you might call, a superhero. Hmm...do kids still say 'superhero' these days? That is what you kids say, right?"
"So your a senile superhero?" I muttered, deciding that this must be a dream and therefore I could do what I want.
"Not senile, just out of the loop. I haven't done any superheroing for sixty years." Like that was a good excuse.
"Why?" I asked, trying to repel a smirk.
"Every sixty years, a threat rises to this world, and it is the duty of The Guardian to put it down." He clearly thought this purpose was very important, deep and dramatic.
"Every sixty years you need to beat up two thugs?" I commented sceptically. "Wow, superheroing is easier than the comics make it out to be."
"That wit will serve you well. All heroes need it." I was to busy finding this funny to contemplate why he called me a hero.
"And yet you don't have it. Go figure." I'm surprised he didn't punch me. I would have punched me.
"You see, every sixty years a threat rises that threatens the world, and has done for the last six thousand years. It is every sixty years that the torch is passed on, so that a new Guardian may defend the world against it."
"Threat? What threat?" I asked nervously.
"It's true origin is lost to history, but it seems to come from another race. Like the origin of the Guardian, it may never be known."
"Does this mean I get to be a superhero?" I asked eagerly.
"Well, I was gonna ask if you could suggest anyone, but that's a better idea!" Ah, there was the wit. It sucked. "I can grant you my powers. It is then your duty to defend this Earth. And sixty years from now, you must pass on the powers."
"Why can't I keep them?" It's funny how I asked little questions like that, but not the big ones.
"That happened once. It was tragic..." He was lost in some form of memory.
"Okay, I'll pass on the powers!" I cried, getting his attention. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Light to light, soul to soul, past to future, pass on my strength to this soul, and grant him the ability to defend his world!" There was a flash, and the noise of a transformation unfortunately blocked out my sarcastic quip.
"Who writes this stuff? You made it up didn't you?" Probably lucky he didn't actually hear that. The light faded, and there I was, fully dressed in the costume. At first, I didn't notice anything but how ridiculous I must have looked. I had to use every ounce of my willpower to keep myself from laughing. It was only after this I noticed I had considered all of this in 0.46 seconds. Not only did I know it was 0.46 seconds exactly, but I could also understand my mind was working at super human speeds. It's kind of hard to explain, because things weren't exactly moving in slow motion, instead I could just think at super human speeds. This may not sound that useful, but it does mean I can react to anything, plan a counter attack, write my shopping list and make up a poem in the middle of a battle easily enough. Which can be useful. (Well, not the poem bit).
"And that is that," said the old man directly in front of me. He looked about 80 years old, and was stood with a hunch.
"Who are you?" I asked, despite having considered every possibility already and having figured out he was The Guardian.
"You already know. I had a name, it is time to readopt it. It is Grouch. Find me hero, you will need to one day." Nice to see he had confidence in me. "That suit of yours is not a simple suit as most people would think of it. There is no need to wear it under your shirt, and no need to worry about how to get it on. It is part of your body now, and you can simply will it on and off at you leisure." That was useful, I always wondered how superheroes could exist with a suit on under their clothes all the time. "Goodbye, Guardian." Grouch turned and left. Despite being able to think at super speeds, I stood there, puzzled. My head hurt.
Stupid superpowers, making my brain not work good.
I tested out my ability to control my suit, it disappeared into my skin, and out again. I did this a couple of times to get the hang of it, before deciding to get rid of it. I already looked stupid enough, wearing a t-shirt and shorts in the pouring rain. I didn't need a stupid costume as well. I stumbled out of the alleyway, rubbing my temples and attempting to process what had just happened. I was confused to say the least. To this day, I wish I had remembered the girl who had been back in the alley. She knew everything. As it was I forgot, and stood in the middle of a road pondering, well, everything. I heard the screeching of a car. I quickly held up my hands just before the car hit my and it smashed to a halt, as if hitting an invisible wall. The front of the car became mangled as the entire thing buckled. My eyes opened wide as someone ran over to the edge of the car to check up on the driver.
"Opps." I muttered.
"He needs help! He's trapped!" screamed the observer. I glanced around, spotted the alleyway, and ran into it. I heroically ripped off my t-shirt, before remembering my costume wasn't actually underneath it and that I had ruined a perfectly good t-shirt for no reason, and bolted back out of the alley in full costume.
I skidded to a halt in front of the wrecked car, barely able to stop myself. I calculated it had taken me 1.12 seconds to get out of the alley and to the car, which was pretty fast. I quickly observed the wreck.
"Stand back!" I announced as heroically as possible (so not very), and reached inside. The dash board had been pushed forwards, and was crushing the young man driving inside. I placed a hand on it, and pulled it back. It crumpled like paper as I separated the wreck. I lifted him out and put him on the road. "Call 999!" I commanded. "Get an ambulance here right away." The observer obeyed without a second thought.
"Thanks..." muttered the injured man. I decided not to point out that I had caused this. I didn't reply, but instead decided to test my powers to their full ability. I shot off into the sky to my own amazement. I could fly!
I rocketed across the sky like a....urm....rocket, pondering my new abilities in astonishment. Flying was as cool as everybody always imagines it to be, and I must of spent the rest of the night making loop the loops and staring at the city from 1000 feet in the air. Well, that was until my now super-keen senses detected cries for help from below. I flew down to find another mugging. Dammed violence.
It was quickly resolved in a flurry of punches and hits, and I had successfully saved the day from a situation I didn't cause. I was a real superhero!
"Thank you," Stumbled out the young man who had been the victim this time around. He sounded more confused than thankful. I can see why.
"No problem, that's my job." I replied, unable to think of anything suitably heroic to say. I shot off into the sky, proud of my accomplishment. I almost hit a plane. I decided I had to be more careful and headed for home. Where my parents yelled at me for being in late. Okay, so maybe I wasn't a real superhero yet.