Heroes for Hire
My watch made it's irritating beeping as usual, which meant there was a call. I snuck into my room and pressed down the face. CC showed up.
"Hey pal," He said, with a rather perplexed expression on his face
"What's up?" I asked casually.
"We have someone who wants us for a job." He explained.
"Do we get paid?" I quickly asked without thought.
"No. Now get your butt over here. You're not gonna believe this." I shrugged and shot away.
I landed in the Justice Cave as I usually did, as opposed to, say, on my head or something. At first I didn't notice anything strange, but that's because I'm a moron. Upon a second look I saw Skimpy, CC and The Devil. (On a side note, I can never figure out if I should capitalise 'The' in 'The Devil'). I just froze.
"Ah, Silver Streak." The King of Hell laughed, "How's life up here going?"
"Pretty good." I replied.
"Good, good." The Devil nodded. "Now, I have a deal for you."
"NO! MY SOUL! MINE!" I screamed, wrapping my cape around myself for protection.
"I actually have a confession to make about that." The Devil said shyly. "I never actually got your soul. I just pulled you into a hellhole before you entered the black hole. That's why you could escape." He paused. "And I really didn't appreciate the uprising of souls. It took me weeks to torture all thoughts of rebellion out of them."
"Well that teaches you for being evil." Skimpy taunted from across the room.
"What is with that!?" Screamed The Devil. "Oh, he's The Devil. He must be evil!" He paused. "Has anybody considered I'm just doing my job!?"
"But you got dammed to Hell!" Skimpy pointed out.
"Oh, that's just a myth. I'm doing the dirty job nobody else would, and do I get credit!? No! Because everybody thinks I'm evil!" We just all stood in awkward silence.
"Soooo," I finally said, "Why did you want us?"
"Ah right." He began. "Like I said, I have a deal. There's a soul that has escaped punishment. Every year it comes back and slaughters teenagers. Like one of those slasher flicks."
"You watch horror movies in Hell?" CC asked curiously.
"Only the bad ones. It's a punishment." He paused again. "Anyway, I figured if some heroes could pin him down, I could claim his soul and save the lives of hundreds."
"So, we're going up against a stereotypical horror bad guy." I figured out.
"Yeah, thus I help you save lives. And all I ask in return is…..let me join you!" We all stopped in shock. "Being a superhero looks fun, and I figured with my powers I'd be good at it."
"But…you're The Devil!" I cried in disbelief.
"Oh come on. Everybody wants to be a superhero. Everybody." Explained The Devil. "I even have a costume." He disappeared into a hellhole and sprang out again.
What I attempt to describe now is possibly the funniest sight I've ever seen, so it may not be possible to convey every detail to you. The Devil, who is fairly large, was bundled into tight white spandex. He had a mask pulled over his head, which covered most of it, except for his mouth and creepy red eyes, and his horns stuck out awkwardly, covered with gold spandex. A golden 'A' sat onto of his mask. There was a hole in the bottom of the spandex which his long red tail slithered out of, constantly moving. He had gigantic golden gloves covering his claw like hands and golden boots covering his gigantic feet. The words 'Super Angel' were elegantly written across his chest. It looked like the costume was going to explode any second.
"I am Super Angel!" He announced, and we all burst out laughing.
"Super Angel!?" I cried in disbelief.
"Well, being The Devil wont make people want to be saved by me." He pointed out.
"And why wear a mask? It's not like we can't see who you are." I pointed out between sniggering.
"I don't mock your costumes!" The D….Super Angel yelled. "Now, shall we go save the day?"
"Lets." Skimpy said blankly, barely able to think anymore.
"Hang on, you're The Devil! You can't just become a superhero like this!" I yelled. "It's stupid! It's ridiculous! It's moronic!"
"Oh come on!" Sighed Super Angel. "If you don't do this, then people will die. Don't you have to save them."
"Yeah, but we don't need you." I pointed out.
"This guy, he was called Jonathan Valiant, can't be killed. Every year, he returns. And every year he kills."
"Valiant? Some name for an immortal killer." I mumbled. "How did this happen?"
"A screw up in limbo. He didn't get sent to Heaven or Hell, so returns here, and now kills anyone near his death scene." Super Angel explained. "And a group of teenagers went camping there, and he's going to kill them!"
"Okay, okay." I gave in. "You can join us. But only occasionally, we can handle most stuff ourselves. And you help us stop this Valiant fellow."
"Deal!" Announced SA.
"Okay," I paused, taking a deep breath. "JUSTICE CREW, AWAY!" The four of us shot out of the window as four different coloured streaks.
"Right, to America!" Super Angel announced.
"Yes, because nothing in our country could be interesting." I muttered sarcastically. We flew across the ocean, and it wasn't long before the USA came into view.
"We should have taken the Justice Jet." Skimpy mumbled from behind.
"Well, as you may have guessed, there's a campsite where this guy has been killing." Super Angel explained.
"It's always a campsite…" Skimpy muttered.
"So follow me!" He shot across the sky as a reddish white blur. I was still laughing. Of course, we could have got him to enter a hellhole straight there, but he wasn't that smart.
We touched down next to a tent, with a hole ripped through it. I peered inside to see blood splattered everywhere.
"Is this a bad time to mention I'm squeamish?" SA asked.
"What!?" Screamed Skimpy, CC and myself in unison.
"Only kidding." He responded, sticking a pointed tongue out. We all sighed.
"Okay, let's split up!" Skimpy decided. "We'll find this killer quicker that way."
"Wait a sec," I said it almost like it was an order, "Aren't you the girl addicted to TV?"
"Yes." Came the single worded response.
"Well, haven't you seen enough horror flicks to know splitting up is a really bad idea?" I asked it as if it was obvious.
"Urm…" She paused, looking to the floor.
"What?" SA asked. "I may be over six million years old, but that doesn't mean I'm patient."
"They're scary! Alright!" She cried. "Happy! I get scared by them!" Must not laugh. Must not laugh. Must not laugh. Too late! I burst out laughing and she looked offended.
"Well, I may not watch them, but I know enough to know I'm safe." She seemed smug.
"How come?" CC asked, as though he was lowering himself to our levels by joining in.
"Well, I'm the girl. The girl never dies." She stuck her tongue out in retaliation, just like SA had earlier.
"Okay! You want me! Come and get me!" An irritatingly American accent cried from across the camp. We shot over there in a red, white, pink and silver blur. There stood the stereotypical jock of the group stereotypically attacking Valiant. He, of course, was about to stereotypically die. I'd seen enough stereotypical horror films to know that he'd stereotypically jump at it and stereotypically get killed, giving the stereotypical main male character and the stereotypical main female character enough time to stereotypically run away. Probably stereotypically screaming 'NOOOO!' while they did it. Either way, thanks to super fast thought I considered all this in a second and interfered. Stereotypically.
I flew down between the jock and Valiant.
"Back off, pal!" I cried to the undead monster. I observed him. He had a samurai sword in a skeletal hand, his eyes glowed a flaming yellow and he wore torn rags. He looked like a burnt skeleton. He staggered forwards mechanically, lifting up the sword as a challenge. Hmm, must of burnt to death. I figured. Then got the sword from somewhere, I guess. Pretty standard stuff. Either way, Valiant attacked me. I ducked the sword and drove a punch into his skeletal form. He flew through the air and slammed into the ground.
"SA!"I cried. "What's the plan?"
"Distract him, I need to prepare to take him to Hell once and for all." SA shouted.
"Okay Justice Crew! Let's do it!" I commanded to the others. The jock, and the typical main male and female leads (who were further away up a path) watched in shock. "Run! We'll handle this!" The stereotypes ran and disappeared into the darkness. I turned to face Valiant who had risen. He drove his sword forwards and it crumpled against my chest. Wow, he stabs hard to crumple a sword like that. Valiant looked at the crumpled sword in machine like confusion. A laser blast suddenly hit it out of his hand.
"Take that!" CC yelled triumphantly. Valiant turned to face him and I hit him from behind. He flew across the ground and slammed down, sending dirty ground flying everywhere (or more specifically, over Skimpy who was hovering by that spot).
"OH! GROSS! Now I'm covered in dirt!" She cried. Valiant rose and attacked her. As she flew, dodging each blow, she continued complaining. "You're washing this young man!" I heard her cry as Valiant caught her foot and pulled her down. He threw her into the ground, and pulled his arm back. She kicked him feebly in the shin to no affect. "Stupid skeleton." I heard her mutter.
A laser blast knocked him down.
"Booyah!" Cried CC.
"Oh great, now I've got a corpse on top of me!" Skimpy continued to complain. I rolled my eyes and flew in, hitting Valiant off of her. He flew up and crashed down. He mechanically climbed to his feet, pulling his arm back. He jabbed straight for my heart. His arm just bounced off my chest as his sword had.
"What is with that arm thing?" I asked, casually snapping it off. I hit him over the head with it and he dropped down. "Want an arm Skimpy?" I asked, holding it out to her.
"EW! Get that thing away from me!" She screamed. "You're washing your hands before you touch me again!" She added. I smiled, just as the hand came to life and clawed onto my face.
"ARGH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" I screamed, struggling with the arm as I ran around in circles. I could hear in the background chanting from SA, laser blasts from CC and whining from Skimpy. Eventually I tripped over a stick. I had forgotten I could fly. I peeled the arm off and threw it to the ground. It scampered at me like a spider and started strangling me.
"Can't….breath!" I self narrated. "Wait. I don't need to." I suddenly realised. I broke the hand off and hurled it high into the sky. I vengefully turned around to the one-armed Valiant, who was being blasted by CC. "Right, I'm through with you! Not only do you strangle me and make me look stupid, but you piss off my girlfriend to! Now I'll have to put up with that all week!" I marched towards the killer, his yellow eyes seemed to reflect confusion. I picked him up and slammed him into the ground, pinning him.
"NOW SA!" CC yelled from his observant point. SA started chanting in what I can only guess was Latin as Valiant struggled against my grip. A gigantic hellhole opened and Valiant was consumed to the darkness.
We all stood around, and sighed.
"Well, that's that one cleared up." Super Angel announced. "Now, I need to go punish that bastard."
"Have fun!" Skimpy said with a wave.
"Next time we need you, we'll call." I added.
"See ya later team!" SA disappeared into a hellhole, and I sighed.
"Now!" Skimpy announced, walking towards me. Her clothes were covered with dirt. "I need a shower. You can wash my clothes."
"Can't I watch?" I asked with a smirk.
"If you want." She smirked back and my eyes went wide in joy.
"Well, I'll just go back to the lab and be boring, shall I?" CC sounded dejected as he shot away, leaving me and Skimpy staring into each other's eyes.