The story of my life may have started with the Old Man flipping open His big book with all the pretty pictures. He might have even coughed and looked at the people in heaven and said "Once upon a time," and gotten all the little cherubs to lift their wings and pay attention, but it certainly didn't end with "and they lived happily ever after". It didn't even end with "he lived happily ever after". I can guarantee that one. It ended with me starting a fight with the world, and not so much later progressed to me letting out some properly placed aggression out on that very Old Man. He just laughed like He knew I couldn't do a thing to stop whatever little scheme He'd cooked up for me, and, to my surprise, my afterlife fate wasn't being cooked for the rest of eternity, however long that may be.
I only spent about fifteen years with the fire and brimstone, but I got out over a game of chess with Mr. Scythe for the fifteen-hundredth time. The Old Man upstairs didn't seem too happy about that, and I learned a big thing about me making bets with underworld guys – that I should know better by now. One would think that I could at least win once in my non-life, but even when I beat a sickle I got the Old Man to bust me in the back and giggle like a giddy little school girl. Of course, directly calling Him a school girl is probably what actually got me into the business I'm in now.
I'm standing here with some crazy, middle-aged appearing, beauty parlor owner right now listening to her rant and rant about these new earring she "bought", and by "bought" I of course mean that I was forced to make it for her. None of the other ladies can hear me, but if they did they'd hear me screaming at the top of my lungs that the estrogen in the room is going to choke me into a second death. I stick my translucent and mass-free head into the one of the tanning beds in the back of the room, whining.
"Oh come on," I say to the Old Man. "Listen, I made a deal with Skullface. You're the Big Guy. You of all people should understand that I really am not cut out for this purgatory thing. See? I'm trying to radiate my non-existent brain right out of my head. I can't do this 'grant wishes' crapola. Please? I'd rather take the fire and brimstone, and I hate chess."
"I'm aware," is all He replies with, cackling in the back of my brain. I groan and pull myself out of the tanning bed as the nice little Christian lady I'm supposed to be helping out comes back. Only an idiot like her would wish for earrings from a genie, I swear it.
"Glenn," she says to me as she walks back into the room. I need to think of a cool genie name if I'm stuck with this three wishes stuff. I float down next to her and cross my arms with a transparent brow arched in her direction. "Can I make my second wish now?"
"Oh, so now you believe me," I snort. I attempt to plop onto a different tanning bed in one of those nonchalant, all-powerful poses those guys in movies get, but I just fall straight through the tanning bed. Somebody's naked in here! I wonder if I can- No, no, the Old Man wouldn't like that. I'm already being punished. I pull myself out of the tanning bed and she leans over.
"Glenn? Are you all right?"
"Splendid. What the hell do you want?"
"Well, I was, I'm sorry. Is now a bad time?"
I roll my eyes and float in place, deciding not to fall through things. It hurts to do that. I don't know why, but if I don't plan something it hurts. I think that's the Old Man's doing. Then again, he's probably the one tripping me. Each wince is like a reminder that I could be screaming right now. "No, it's fine." The drone to my own voice shall be the destruction of my very soul. Her stupidity falls under a close second. "Make with the wish making, then another, and hand that damn medallion off to someone else already so I can work off my debt."
Her eyelids flutter and she looks quite irritated. "I wish you'd be nicer to me!" I cringe and glare at her, but the glare fades away. "Oh. Dear! I didn't mean to do that."
"Can I have more?"
"I wish I had more?"
I roll my eyes. "I wish I had a pony. Make another wish."
"Well, I was thinking about it earlier. I believe this is the best choice to make: I wish that my children will have no financial issues, and their children, too," she says, and I give a sigh, swishing my hand in a bored fashion.
"Brilliant. There's no proof I did it, but I did."
I don't even get a chance to hear anything else the woman says before I'm sucked back into the medallion. I'd seriously rather be one of those genies in lamps with the smoke and fog. I probably just appear like some clear, shirtless, twenty-one-year-old guy in stupid baggy pants wearing shackles and needing a cigarette really bad. Grant it, inside the medallion is only bad because the thing is shaped like a cross. Being inside the thing is the equivalent of being in crucifix position, and the chains attach to the insides so I'm stuck in this position until someone else gets the thing.
Also, it's a flamboyant pink in here, and it smells like onions. I can't stand it. It hurts to be in this position, too, but He only knows how long I'm stuck here until the next person comes. At some point in time, He decided to put a clock right in front of my face. The ticking noise has me suffering a permanent headache that the Old Man probably put there Himself instead, seeing as He likes me best in pain.
My head whirls as I stare at that clock. It's been at the very least three months since that clock was put in here, and since that woman made her wish for her children. I don't understand why the people that use my powers keep choosing this whole "help people" thing. It's getting repetitive. I want someone interesting to make a wish.
Speaking of someone to make a wish, the chains let me loose and I go flying out of the cross, smack into a wall. I'd travel through the wall, but I didn't exactly know it was coming until I hit it. I rub my face as I hit the ground, staring out at some teenage boy with shaggy hair with pink tips matching the color on the inside of the cross. He's putting that very golden-plated cross around his neck and smiling up at the woman I recognize from before. The weird part is, I thought only three months occurred since I had an owner, but she looks like she's a grandma now.
The Old Man cackles. "Time has no meaning, Glenn," He says in the back of my mind. That old jerk made it look like time was going unbearably slow for a reason. It must be at least ten years since I worked for that woman in the beauty parlor. I hear a car horn outside and I float up to a window I notice. It's made from stained glass. I glance around to notice I'm in a church before floating up. The cars outside are from the same time period as when I died. "The date is January 24th, 2006, and it's exactly six months, five days, thirty-seven minutes, and four eighth of a second from the time you died, starting now."
I shake my head, utterly confused, but then the thought hits me. He's God. The Old Man can do whatever the hell, or heaven, He wants. I float over to the now old woman, and she's smiling down at the boy. He has to be at least sixteen. "Now, Jared, do you promise you'll take good care of this cross? I've had it for a fairly long time now."
He nods his pink-tipped head politely and smiles up at the woman. "I promise."
"Hell yeah, you promise," I chime, causing both the old woman and Jared to look at me. The woman smiles sweetly, and I'm a little surprised to know she can still see me, but I guess I shouldn't be. She's used me before.
"G-grandma," he says as I float down to be standing before him. "There's a-"
"He's sent from God to help people, Jared," she says, doing my introduction for me. I gift a snort and nod, mumbling to myself that I'm fully capable of talking.
"Grandma, that's not right," he protests. That boy has some funny looking eyes. Maybe that's just because he's all wide-eyed and staring. He reminds me of one of those zoo monkeys with funny butts with the color eyes he has. Baboon blue should not be a color for a creature's eyes. It shouldn't even be a color for a rear. "God wouldn't even send anyone something like this. It would be selfish to use!"
"Then don't be selfish," she says, and I give a cough.
"Yeah, don't be selfish!" I reply, nodding my head before trying to smack the lady. It doesn't work too well, seeing as my hand just goes straight through her. I fall and hit the floor, wincing as my body goes solid. "Stupid Old Man," I whine as I sit up, listening to the chains clatter against the ground before looking at the boy. "And she's right. I'm sent by the big chief, His nasty old self. So, what'll it be? Fame, fortune, a girlfriend? If I was your age, and in this time period, which I was once, I'd be wishing for something cool like a mansion, a bike. How about a plasma screen TV? Those are nice, huh? You don't get color like that in the afterlife! Seriously, kid, all I've seen is pink for the last insert-unknown-decade-here."
The woman's eyelids flutter like they used to when I had to be her servant, and I go to sit next to the kid. He moves a little away from me on the pew he's in to look back at his grandmother. "I don't feel right about this." She kisses his forehead and smiles sweetly, and all that sentimental stuff right there, telling him everything is going to be okay. Someone ought to tell her off before she passes on that God is a dickhead.
"So, while we're having this touching little moment, how about I get a proper intro, master?" I say, leaning over and pressing my ear towards them to tell them that they can stop huddling now and actually get around to telling me whatever it is they feel the need to tell me.
"His name is Jared," she says, smiling at me. I nod and lay down on the pew, staring up at some funny purple banner on the ceiling. "He's a good boy. Isn't that right, Jared? Today is his birthday, and so I've given him you. I can never seem to get birthday presents right these days."
I turn my eyes to He-Who-Has-Ass-Eyes and scoff at him. "Now how about those wishes? Come on, I want something fun! Do you know how bored I've been? The last time I was out of there was when your grandmother got stupid earrings. Come on, give me something fun."
Jared bites his bottom lip, and he actually glares at me as he leans back in the pew. "I don't think I will. I'm going to have to think about this."
"Fine with me, Fucker, because that's more time I get out of that damn cross."
The grandmother turns sharply at me and wags a finger. I float up to the ceiling and stand on it, letting the shackles fall as I look down at her. "Now, that's no way to talk, Glenn."
"It's a genie named Glenn," Jared says, actually outright laughing at me. I was thinking about a cool genie name while I was locked up, but I guess that just got blown out of the water. "What kind of genie is named that?"
"This genie," I snap. I wish I could hit people. Just the thought of hitting the kid causes the Old Man to trip me again and I fall off the ceiling into the ground, and through the floor. I now personally get acquainted with the feeling of being buried. That's lovely. I need to figure out how to climb out of a floor.
I try and pull myself up, and when I finally do, I notice that the old woman is gone but Jared is standing right there. He crosses his arms and glares at me. "I don't like you, demon."
"Demon? Wow, someone with a personality around here. That's a new one. Believe me, that'll get you fisted by the proverbial hand of the Old Man Himself. Grant it, He probably has to. That whole humans are made in God's image means that since He looks as old as He is, that man can't get it up anymore. Then again, I don't see why He couldn't make Himself younger. He probably does. Fuck, I don't care what the hell He does. What do you want?"
Jared taps his foot and gives an impatient sigh before turning around and heading towards the door. "Obviously, I'm leaving."
I would stand here and act like the childish person I am, but I'm forced forward suddenly to be seated next to him outside in a car a few minutes later. I'm sure the car would be tolerable if there were about six hundred air fresheners. The scent of aging human fills the room and I go to turn off my sense of scent, but the Old Man says no without actually saying it. God should damn Himself once in awhile. That'd be nice.
"So where are we headed?"
"How about you head back into the cross?" Jared sneers, and I laugh as close as I can to his face, which is pretty close given the whole I-can-float thing. He swats at me like I'm a bug and I cringe as his hand goes through me. "Or at least somewhere else?"
"Yeah, and how about you order me six hookers and a Jacuzzi for the night? That's just not going to happen, buddy, until you make a few wishes and let me move on."
"Was he always like this?" Jared pouts at his grandmother, who just gives a short laugh, which her and I both know says yes. Jared mumbles that nobody in his family ever answers him anymore. That's just my luck. He's whiny, pessimistic, and bitchy to me. I can only imagine what wishes will come out of this kid. Maybe he'll ask me to slit his throat for him so he can be an all-powerful genie. All-powerful may be in the title, but I will tell you what, it is certainly not in the job description or I'd pick myself a master I'd like for once.
I float through the top of the car to be sitting on top of it, and one of my transparent chains latches to the car antennae as I'm forced to follow along like a balloon tied to a child's wrist. I wish I'd pop like a balloon. That would be nice. Pop! And that's the end of the game folks, no more wishes today! Tune in for next season's loser on Heaven TV, where our only viewers are the actors, angels, and God, and those few extra nuns with the nice tits that nobody is allowed to touch. Man, do I love those nuns.
The car pulls up in front of a stupid white house with blue shutters, and I attempt to unlatch myself from the antennae. I get stuck and the antennae bends, sending me in a twist of knots before the Jared kid walks too far away and the antennae flies back like a slingshot and sends me flying forwards straight through him, and through the door he walked through. I break a vase. The grandmother pouts as it hits the ground and I groan.
Jared looks at it and turns on me. "You broke my mother's vase!"
"What are you going to do about it, birthday boy?"
He leans forward and glares at me before hugging his grandmother who just continues to pout. "Mom bought us that vase. You see, this guy isn't right!"
"Your mother wouldn't have had the money to buy that vase if it wasn't for Glenn giving us the family fortune. So you should be thankful."
"I'm going to bed instead."
"He's what?" I stare at him, crossing my arms across my chest. "What the hell? You're not going to be an adolescent dickwad and just tell me what you want? You have to be a bigger dickwad and make me wait to find out what little pointless shit you want?"
The grandmother glares at me and I sigh as Jared kisses her and heads up a flight of stairs near by. She turns her head in my direction as I'm yanked up into a room with the walls painted yellow. I can't stand yellow just as much as I can't stand pink. He strips down into a pair of boxers and looks at me. "Aren't you going to at least leave so I can change?"
"I would if I could, fuckface, but you're stuck with me."
He takes off the medallion and throws it on the nightstand, and I suddenly get sucked back into it. Well, that's never happened before.
I have a feeling I'm not going to like this Jared kid very much.
A/N: I'm pretty sure a god and genie story is blasphemious. Add it to my collection right near Sodomizing The Devil's Son. OH! And a BIG BIG thanks to xanthofile (a personal favorite author on here whom I whole heartedly say you should review) for the title!