author's note: this piece (and the pieces to follow) is my first collection of memories that i feel i should capture because i really want to forget everything that i've done to myself (in the past year plus). i hope this is the first step to the road of recovery i want i leave as few author's notes as possible but when i feel the need, i will add one. i know that this may sound like a big repeat of everything that i've already written (especially if you've been keeping up with what i've been writing) but i want you all to know that these pieces mean a lot to me, and i'll be working on them as the days go by. i've also found that dates aren't necessary like i usually have in all of my pieces. the dates that are in italics are the dates that the events occured in. i've got so much to do before i can face her again. so, here goes.

december 2004
(around christmas)

and i can still taste, touch, feel every emotion that i had
in my heart during the christmas party held at your house.
the smiles that b r o k e on faces as we exchanged gifts
with friends still have the power to make my heart m e l t.

(because then i never even thought that you would have
the heart to do this to me without evening knowing it.)

a part of me wishes that i could be as happy as that day.