Once beside a time, on Max the Table-with-a-capital-T, eighteen elves and one Prescott sat and ate mayonnaise, which they had stolen from Ryan's maiden aunt, who didn't even know she was Ryan's, maiden, or an aunt. She did, however, like cereal. Only cereal that was blue, though. Other cereals made her feel like her only cucumber had deserted her to elope with a wigmaker, which was slightly embarrassing.

On the other hand, my leg itches.

Have you ever wondered if Lipitor is made of lips? Also, isn't the thing they sell to you under the name life insurance really just death insurance?

Then a shelf walked in. Shelf Boy (aka Eric, whose arms I will someday cut off and use to set Jared on fire and then yell OOH, BURN!) came running after his charge, wielding a dishcloth that he'd stolen from his Language Arts teacher. People do seem to be stealing a lot in this story, don't they?

cried Shelf Boy dramatically. Prescott and the elves (which sounds like a boy band....only, do elves count as boys? And what about Prescott?) yelled and looked up from the game of poker they'd been playing for the past two hundred years. They then pointed accusingly at Eric for slicing their ice cubes. And breaking up the Beatles. Even though he'd done neither of the above, and his name wasn't Ethan. There's a guy in my photography class named Evan, though. He wore a shirt today that had sheep on it.

Prescott and the Elves (now with a capital!) then played in the sand while singing their hit song, The Hit Song.Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! yelled Prescott. The elves, who sang backup, sang softly and sweetly, S o o o o o o o o n g, and held up signs advertising various pieces of meat-flavored real estate only available in Pennsylvania. Then all nineteen of them (the band, that is, not Pennsylvanians) broke into the chorus, which consisted of doing cartwheels across the stage, which was bright purple and was covered in little paper cutouts of mustaches that were probably suggested by Adam, and chanting repeatedly (like Mr. Rhodes!), Give me a dollar! Only Mr. Rhodes is more hesitant, as well as being bright red.


They're all lying to you!! Zack yelled, sitting on a lawn chair that was conveniently placed in an elevator that wouldn't stop going in circles around the Mall of America, which isn't circular.

I, Hewlett Packard, promise to do my duty while I am in this ballet company. Amen! ALMONDS!

Estevan then ran off to start a plumbing company in a random Canadian suburb. It was called Estevan's Random Canadian Plumbing Service, and their motto was WE LIKE BACON!

Now back to inshershing shelves. And elbows. And elves.

Shelf Boy decided to take a cruise to Antarctica. He ran onto the snow, waving his (no pun intended) Armes – I mean, arms – and honking, I don't know why he was honking, though. Carsten likes dolphins.

And now for some background information on our semi-beloved Shelf Boy. He is not covered in chocolate. He has arms (as of yet). He likes shelves. I don't know if he eats seafood. He has also had a cameo in Out the Window in the final sentence of a chapter. (Eric yodeled.) Now we've come back to give some more in-depth coverage of the in?famous Shelf Boy... and Ryan's maiden aunt.

They like cheese. Ryan's maiden aunt also enjoys skydiving, but only on Thursdays and after painting pastries blue. McCartney!

All of a sudden, the wild Rerucha (roar!) jumped out and bit off Shelf Boy's head. But because only one of the authoresses has a grudge against poor Eric, and also because Eric's a starfish (maybe), his head reattached itself with lots and lots of glue. Shelf Boy then smiled winningly, held up an ad for a back-to-school sale even though school just got out, and said loudly, Elmer's Glue will reattach anything! And you know it takes talent to pronounce a bracket. Or two of them.

A penguin clogged past wearing a bright pink shirt. Its name was Dave.

Dave yodeled.