To everyone who has misconstrued this essay: I hoped that it would be obvious, but this is a satire. (See the "parody" genre.) I believe that immigration should never be halted. Everyone here is an immigrant, except for one hundred percent Native Americans. In modern times when phone-tapping is not an outrage, even if only the numbers called and received are recorded, it is important to recognize when a piece is not to be taken seriously. This was written with the spirit of Jonathon Swift's A Modest Proposal.Small slips in history were unintended, and have been corrected. The rest of the essay is under revision to catch any other small mistakes.This piece was written for an English class, and haste took awaymisgivings about how historically accurate some small details were. I apologize for the smallmistakes.All other errors will be corrected, to prevent others from misunderstanding this essay.For those unaware of Swift's landmark essay advocating change to help the starving children of Ireland, he proposed to eat children and pay their parents compensation.

For all those who advocate closing borders in modern times- my opinion is made. It was made in the early twentieth century, when one of my ancestors made her way to this land of opportunity from Ireland. My roots are with "boaters." Times may have changed, but the founding purpose of this country should not.This essay should not need a disclaimer. The examples used within are from long ago to draw parallels to modern events- such as the bloody conflict in Iraq between the two religious sects, Saddam's treatment of the Kurds, and America's high-minded invasion of Iraq on false grounds. Iran truly has the potential to develop nuclear weapons- where is our fury now, to move past weak UN suggestions that Iran will not follow? This is the reason that examples within are "old," mixed in with pop culture such as Disneyworld, Walmart, and Cheney's lampooned hunting incident.

This is classified as a parody. These are not my beliefs. I am a proud citizen of the ideal America, but I will not blindly support one president. The freedom to offend is inherent in the freedom of speech. If offended- maybe you will at least think of your position. One of my closest friends is an immigrant from Ukraine. He will be an engineer. I understand fears of terrorists- but if we leave all from one region to stay in hostile territories out of fear, the terrorists have won. We should be cautious, perhaps, but not so afraid that we will avoid anyone who looks like the classic terrorist. Discrimination against some new group is periodic. Against those from Africa, China, Ireland, Poland- the Jewish, the female, the homosexual- what will people think of us in a century or two? Slavery was andis wrong, as most everyone will agree. In two hundred years- what will America think of borders? Will America think at all?

Disagree with me if your views are different, but please have reasons. I am giving you mine, through the implications.

A final thought:

"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

This is an excerpt from Emma Lazurus's poem, "The New Colossus." It contains the most famous lines of the poem- those most often quoted, remembered, parodied. America was once the golden door, the land where everyone had the chance to go somewhere farther- will we change that?


America, You May Close Your Borders

When in the course of human events a single attack by a terrorist network is obviously supported by an entire race of people, America must take all precautions its moral authority sees fit. This return to morality is led by our valiant president, Mr. George W. Bush, who knowingly sent armed forced to invade a country on false pretenses. After ensuring that women would be safely away from the front lines, and consequently guaranteeing that his two daughters would not be involved in the fight, he bravely dared a "nucular" (thank you, eloquent Mr. President) powered country to "Bring it on." When "it" was indeed brought on, he very strategically decided withdrawal from Iraq would be best left for his successor to plan. This is problem-solving at its finest, and a fitting example of government treatment for a perpetually rising issue such as immigration. Pass the buck: a motto of Washington. Keeping with this maxim, there are only two options against immigration, the blazing phoenix that rises each time politicians long to preen their feathers for the media. Sending Dick Cheney out with his gun is sadly not going to work, as he has yet to purchase a phoenix stamp for his hunting license. We are left with one option. It is time to close our borders.

America must not be expected to deal with people from nations known for conflicting religions. If the Sunnis and Shiites keep fighting, they'll look like two religions once did- but the Catholics and Protestants aren't terrorists, of course. It's Islam that plays politics. Could you even imagine a quaint little Englishmonarch violently converting a nation to Catholicism? I couldn't imaginean English queenever doing such a thing.The English were always understanding, upright people. Just ask the Native Americans. Colonists in American have never waged an unofficial war against a minority group. We would never be like Saddam Hussein in his treatment of the Kurds- that would be like distributing smallpox-infected blankets to the Native Americans, or maybe a slaughter of Native American women and children (a la Wounded Knee). America is always right, about Muslims and all other matters, and Mexico is just a bad sport about manifest destiny, America's right to Texas and California, and the large portions of America (rightfully, of course) seized from Mexico. Remember the Alamo- that's all you need to know. America isn't an aggressor. Can you ever imagine this nation going to war with itself? Civil wars don't count, naturally- if they're so bad, why would we call them civil?

Of course, America can still stand a few more immigrants. Someone has to make less than minimum wage as a migrant laborer or Wal-Mart employee, and American children can't be expected to do such work. Americans can't send their children to work too early. Parents need time to close their children's minds against dangerous thoughts that exist these days. What greater expression of American superiority could there be than the inscription on the all-American Statue of Liberty? (We only gave France credit out of the goodness of our hearts- it's not like America ever needed the aid of France or Spain in the Revolutionary War.) Emma Lazarus's Colossus is like a greeting card immigrants stock in Wal-Mart. You don't really want your mother-in-law to "Get Well Soon," but the thought saves some nagging. "Give me your tired, your poor, your struggling masses eager to work in greasy fast food chains-" Well, perhaps that's not verbatim, but I'm sure Emma, an American, would agree. What American couldn't agree with a topic as American as closing borders? Consider Mr. Wally Washington, a fictional representation of the ideal American. He is one of many brave volunteers who should be able to patrol our borders against the evil of immigrants. Mr. Washington will carry a very high-quality gun (second amendment) purchased at Wal-Mart and rang up by an immigrant, a very attractive hat reeking American values (Disneyworld chic, purchased for him by his loving wife), and will ride in an SUV that consumes far more gasoline than necessary while increasing reliance on the Muslim countries filled with- well, terrorists. Just look at September 11th, 2001. Those hijackers were Muslim. Other Muslims must have helped them plan this. With America's always clear and untainted view of world events, it is easy to know that all Muslims hate America (and that Iraq has nucular weapons- never mind that our information was wrong and we have yet to find anything nuclear- oh, sorry, Mr. Dubya- nucular.) Therefore, it is our patriotic duty to seek revenge.

America has to close its borders. The original colonists became Americans because they had the right to escape religious persecution and a dangerous political climate. Jefferson said that all men are created equal- but don't let that fool you. Remember the greeting cards. What's more American than keeping America for Americans? I think we all know the answer. Get your guns, Boy and Girl Scouts (to be politically correct, of course- we all know that American girls don't really fight on the front lines). We're going hunting with Mr. Wally Washington. Is everyone ready? We're off to Disneyworld., where we can watch immigrants clean a Wal-Mart bathroom, observe migrants at work picking oranges, and shoot at anyone in a Muslim-looking part of Epcot. It's the American way, after all.