Some times I just feel like life is closing in on me, crushing me like an unimportant bug. Breathing becomes hard and I feel myself suffocating under the pressure that pins me down. I just feel like letting go, staying in my room hiding in a dark corner and away from everyone. I just feel like screaming and just letting go…of everything, my studies, my responsibilities…everything. It is often said that people don't understand…and I agree. But, how is someone going to understand how I feel when I don't understand it myself? If I can't explain it, can I expect someone else to do so? Its just negativity – a sudden feeling that everything's going wrong and nothing's ever going to be right. Tomorrow is just another day I dread facing, one that I inevitably have to confront and survive. Survive. Nothing more and nothing less just survive. Everyone has these high hopes for me. They see me as a cheerful student albeit a lazy one, a responsible office bearer of the student council – the future student council president in fact – someone who can be depended on to fulfill all their hopes. But, what if I fail? What if I'm not as good as they make me out to be, if I am really nothing but an average girl trying to be better than she really can be? What if my limits have been reached and I am still not good enough? What if I have to fail before someone realizes this? Then what? Will I be cast away like a broken doll? Will I be left alone to well in my self-pity? Will I fall? Will I break? I have no answers because I have never asked the questions. I can never bring myself to voice them – my fears, my agony. Every time, I smile and shrug, telling everyone that I'm okay. But, to have these thoughts, I'm not okay, am I? If I were, I wouldn't constantly be wondering what part I play? What is my importance? Will anyone be at my funeral when I die? Will I be missed? Or will I merely be another ghost that fades in time? I don't think I'll ever know.
And now, its time for me to close this part of myself. I have to put my chin up and smile. People are watching me and I have to be the person they see me as…
…or I'll be nothing to no one.
Because as long as I continue to smile and succeed...
...it doesn't matter that I'm dying inside.