January 6, 2005

Fuck. First day back from Christmas holiday. Only three months left in the year, at least. And then, only another two years until I get out of high school, go to college, and get laid –every night-.

A new boy transferred to our school today. I shouldn't think this about him, 'cause he's a guy and all, but he's gorgeous. When he came into the classroom, I got all these warm tingly feelings, and my heart was beating faster.

It's really weird. I don't think I'm gay or anything.. He kind of looks like a girl. Maybe that's it.

Still, I don't know why I asked him out. The kicker? Fucker laughed at me. Laughed right in my face! Fuck him.

Fuck him. I only asked him out because he looks like a girl.

What an asshole.

January 10, 2005

So, that guy, Nathaniel, the new guy? He's on the basketball team with me. He's really good, too. Coach Williams said that he might make Nathaniel co-captain with me, but as long as it doesn't fuck with my scholarship, I don't really care.

We didn't talk at all during practice, but he kept looking at me funny the whole time. It was starting to creep me out. I waited until everyone left and went to his locker in the locker room.

"Hey."

He looked away, and I groaned. "Fuck you, then."

"I don't think it's funny."

"What? Me asking you out?"

"Yeah. Somehow, you found out, and you're just making fun of me."

".. I meant it."

"You're not gay."

"No, I'm not."

He stared at me for another minute and groaned, cursing at me. He really is pretty like a girl. I want to kiss him in the worst way. We have a game tonight, so I won't have any chances to. Maybe at the party after. Oh. Gotta go, time to go to the game. Go, cougars!

January 10th, 2005

Ohmygod im drunkandyul never guess wha happeneded. We did it. Hee hee.

January 11th, 2005

… did I really write that? God, I was drunk last night. And I'm paying the price for it this morning. I feel like I have elephants doing line dancing in my head, but mom gave me some Tylenol, and I feel a little better.

We won the game. Kicked their –asses-. It was brilliant, and Nate really is good. After the game, a bunch of us dragged him to the party, and he was adamant about not drinking until I finally got him alone.

"Good game, man."

".. yeah, you too."

I offered him a beer, and he downed it in one gulp. I guess I have that effect on people. I sat back on the side of the bathtub and sipped my rum and coke. "Why are you so jumpy around me?"

He sighed and tossed the empty plastic cup away – funnily enough, it missed. "Look, Joss, you seem like a good guy, but.."

"I'm not teasing you." I told him. "Look, I'm not gay, okay? But I .. I don't know, there's something about you. "

"What? That I am ?"

".. am what?"

"Gay."

I felt a few things. I was happy that he was, since it gave me a better chance to get closer to him. I was a little shocked and proud that he came out to me, even if it was all snarky like that. And I felt a little drunk and horny.

I've made a point of carrying lube and a condom in my coat pocket since I lost my virginity, just in case I got laid somewhere. Why lube? I dunno. Chicks dig the flavored stuff. I mean, I've had sex before. With girls.

"I just like –you-."

"So, what. You're magically in love with me?" He snorted.

"..yeah."

Nate stared at me like I was a crazy man. Maybe I was. Hell, -probably-, I was.

… probably, I was? .. I probably was. Yeah. Fuck, my head.

"I don't know." I sighed. "You came into the classroom and I just.. felt like I've known you forever. Like I'm supposed to be with you… It sounds really lame. "

He was looking at me weird again.

".. can I kiss you?"

Nate did this really cute thing where he chewed on his bottom lip, and then he nodded. So.. I kissed him. It felt different from kissing a girl, but really, really good. I mean, I'm not gonna go around kissing boys left, right, and center, but still, kissing Nate felt good.

He liked it too. I could totally tell.

So somehow, we went from making out in the bathtub to fucking against the wall. And it's really different. I saw a gay porno once, and it didn't really do anything for me, … y'know, down there, but , dude.

He's like.. the sexiest person while having sex ever. I think we did it twice. I don't know, it's really blurry to me.

Oop. Phone.

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I told him my full name. Fuck!

"Hey, Nate."

"Helloo, Josselyn.."

Fuck!