Life of fear

Do you know what it's like to live in nearly constant fear? Fear of home, of school, of yourself, of what may happen, of what has happened, of hurting others, of getting hurt, or of anything else one could be scared of… Do you know what it's like to lay in bed at night staring into the darkness, only rolling over to check the clock, dreading the quickly approaching morning?

How does one get up in the morning, after a night of such little sleep? Falling asleep only to be awakened soon afterwards because the dog is crying, or you need your inhaler, or your mother is screaming and your sisters are crying. How do you feel when lay in bed at night listening to your mother scream about how much she regrets having children, you cunts, bitches and whores? YOU are your mother's mistake because it all started with you. You are her mistake because it was with your father that she had you, her first child. Although it's summer and you're sweating, and you really don't need a blanket, you cover your entire body, especially your head, because you don't want to hear. Or maybe you'll stumble around your room looking for sleeping pills; anything to aid you in falling asleep, because at this point all you want to do is shut out your mother's screams and the tears of your sisters.

You jump out of bed in the morning at the sound of your alarm clock. You know that you have to get up, get ready for school, and finish any homework that you failed to do last night. At school you'll face the glares of those who hate, who'd like to catch you alone in a secluded area to jump you just because you like to read. You walk through the halls with your head down because making eye contact is far too scary for someone as inferior as yourself. When you have to go to physical education, if the gym teacher happens to be watching, you act like you're participating because you don't want to be yelled at. Being treated like shit by the other students is bad enough. YOU are a faggot, an idiot, a stupid fucker because you don't happen to be especially good at sports.

You attend classes hoping that the teacher won't call on you because you're shy and talking in front of the class is hell. You did your homework and you hope that the teacher will realize this and leave you alone. Although class is boring to you, you attempt to keep this hidden because you don't need to be on the bad side of yet another person. You do well enough to get on the honour roll to make your parents happy, but your heart isn't in it. All you really want is to be left alone. You just want school to end so you can go home and smoke a cigarette before your mother gets home. If you get through today without being asked what your problem is by a teacher maybe you'll treat yourself to an extra cigarette.

At home, you look at your list of chores, and then in the refrigerator for food, because you haven't eaten yet today. You're shy and dislike eating around other people, so you wait until you're alone. Although you aren't especially hungry, you eat because you can't gather the motivation to do anything else. You know that you have homework and chores to do, but all you really want is sleep. You'd really like to escape into your dreams, but you can't. Instead you force yourself to stay up for another few hours, maybe until 9:00 p.m. if you can make it that far. Then you lay down in bed with the desperate wish that sleep will come fast tonight, and maybe, by some mercy, last.