Author's Note: I was otherwise occupied with that pesky little notion we call 'life'. Anyway, here's Chapter 13. I apologize about the wait, but I swear I haven't forgotten about this story. I'm just a little confused with where I want it to go…
"So what are you up to?" Zach asked as he sat across from me in the cafeteria.
"I'm chewing." I answered moodily. I was still kind of involved with Hiroshi's visit. That and I was concentrating on chewing…and swallowing…my dinner. I'd become used to eating white rice as my only source of dinner that now I was having psychological problems with this damned piece of chicken. I feel stupid.
"Does it require that much concentration? Oh wait, yah, anorexic. My bad." Zach laughed. Seriously, anyone else would consider it taboo to take the issue of eating disorders so lightly, right? Well not Zach…he's bloody insane. He accuses me of being a Kate Moss cult follower on a regular basis. I didn't even know who the hell Kate Moss was…
"Thanks, really, I need to hear that." I moaned, stabbing my sad piece of chicken. I could feel the stare of one of the nurses behind me, so I quickly shoved a piece of it in my mouth…oh it was disgusting. Chew…chew…
"Still at it?"
"I'm starting to hate it here. I've gained one pound in about 4 days now, shouldn't it speed up a little?" I grumbled. This might sound strange, but the idea of gaining weight wasn't actually freaking me out. I was much more relaxed now that I wasn't home.
"Did they give you a goal weight?"
"Yep, I can leave as soon as I make it over a 100 pounds. They want me to be a couple pounds over." I replied. Honestly, I didn't care all too much. I look emaciated now, so at around 103 I'll just look too thin, not emaciated. I don't care.
"Nice. Last girl with anorexia…well they made her gain so much weight that she's now on the upper end of average….and we all know that 'average' is the new 'fat'. I talk to her on Myspace and I know she's completely fucked over about that."
"Oh whatever. I don't know what they think they're going to accomplish fattening me up. As soon as anyone gets discharged…they'll just fly back into their little hellhole wont they?"
"There are some of us who want to get better, you know?" Zach replied after a short silence. I glanced down at his tray of food and noticed that he'd gone and separated all of the vegetables in
the vegetable casserole. I felt the tiniest bit sympathetic, he hadn't even begun to eat and it'd been well over 20 minutes of preparing his food.
"Sorry, you're right." I sighed tiredly.
"Would it be pointless if I said 'get better'?" Hiroshi asked me, while smiling slightly. He was seated on my bed and by this point he'd pulled me down to sit on his lap. I'd protested at first…but he hadn't let me up.
"It's touching…" I murmured offhandedly. I was having dark and morbid thoughts…thoughts that went in the direction of 'how long do you think he'll stay with you?'
"What's wrong?" He asked, using one hand to turn my face towards his. As much as I didn't want to, I know I blushed a little under his intense look. But, I made up my mind to just say it.
"Hiroshi, why are you dealing with me? I mean seriously, it has to really suck being my boyfriend." I heard him start laughing from behind me and rested his forehead on my back.
"Oh my god, Mary, grow up! If you really have to ask me that… Deal with you? Is that how you're seeing yourself? Don't be so damn selfish, do you think I'd really stay with you if it was a chore to me? Just think really hard on it; maybe I'm a little frustrated, okay? Think a little better of me. I'm still here, I'm still supporting you, and I haven't gone anywhere, yet you still think of me as 'just dealing with you'. It's you who keeps thinking that I'm about to walk off any second because I don't want to have to 'deal' with you." I stood up quickly and shuffled away, but he stood up as well and pulled me back, turning me around so I was against the wall.
I was cut off by him placing his lips over mine firmly. I tried to pull away, since it's always been a habit of mine, but the wall was behind me and for a once he wasn't letting me go. His hands were hooked in the belt loops of my jeans; holding me against him. I wasn't quite sure how to act at all, and already I could feel anxiety taking over me again. I was out of control…I hated being out of control.
"Stop." I said quietly when he'd moved his mouth to my jaw. He didn't, though. I felt his hair tickle my cheek as he sucked on the area below my ear, giving me all sort of sensations that were honestly scaring the hell out of me. His hands were beginning to wander as well.
"Hiroshi stop!" I exclaimed, pushing him away finally. I hadn't noticed that my eyes were tearing up and I crouched down against the wall, protecting myself with my arms.
Hiroshi sat down heavily on my bed with an unreadable look on his face. He put his head in his hands and exhaled loudly.
"What now, Mary?" I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. He got up and made his way towards the door. "It's really hard to just look at you, you know. But I'm always afraid if I touch you, you'll be like a doll and then you'll just break. I'm human too, just remember that. Maybe I'm one of those horrible men you always hear about on the news, who knows? That's how you make me feel, anyway." He left quietly and I continued to sit against the wall.
So it had officially been one week since Hiroshi had visited. We hadn't even contacted each other since that meeting and at this point, I wasn't even sure what to think. Did this mean we were broken up now?
As for my parents…well they'd only called once since I'd been admitted into this damn hospital; three guesses as to how that'd made me feel!
Zach was being a good (albeit insane) friend, but his advice was always horrible, unfortunately. Jen was an annoyance as usual, although I was starting to feel like an ass about thinking that way when she'd opened up to me. My God, I don't understand how she's still alive after all the hell that's been thrown her way.
So all in all, I felt pretty damn sorry for myself. I felt like I had no one, I felt like no one cared. My parents, it seemed, didn't really care. Hiroshi was by now fed up and probably frustrated like no other. And, in addition, I was having murderous thoughts towards Kyle. He had put me into this damn hellhole and there was no follow up by him. Who was I supposed to turn to now? I had no one to talk to. I don't care how self-absorbed I sound, I honestly felt like I had no future.
Of course, it wouldn't make sense if my story didn't get weirder, right? I was sitting with Jen having a heartfelt conversation with her (because she was disturbingly sad and I hate to see anyone going through that). Just as she was starting to get on to why she'd have sessions of moody staring, the door burst open. And, of all people to walk through that damned door, it was Ryo.
"Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me." I exclaimed with finality. Jen looked up with interest at the both of us, and then she smirked while standing.
"The tension I'm feeling is kind of stifling, so off I go. Damn Mary, is all of Asia after you?" She laughed and then left, a completely different personality taking her over. I forgot to mention that I have my suspicions that Jen's bipolar… The door closed quietly, leaving the two of us in.
"Okay, I'm here, all the way down from New York. What kind of bloody soap opera is going on right now between the two of you?" Ryo asked as he openly frowned at the 'No Smoking' sign.
I proceeded to explain the awkward situation at hand while inwardly wondering what Ryo was even doing here. Of all people to turn up in my room, he definitely wasn't among the top 3…top 20 for the matter.
"Got it. You're a flaming prude who hates being out of control, and he's just mad cause you don't let him screw." He said after a few minutes of hearing me out.
"Nope, I know what's going on. He's more in love with you than you are with him, am I right?"
"I don't really know." I admitted. I sighed tiredly and opened a window, letting in some of that nice arctic air. Who am I kidding? It was bloody raining outside… Damn global warming.
"Are you ever going to just let go?" He asked me seriously.
"Are you pressuring me into having sex?"
"Absolutely." He laughed lightly. "No, no, I don't know. I mean, when are you going to just let go of all this stuff locking you inside yourself? That's what I meant. Sex would help though, really."
"I know, right?" Ryo could be witty, I guess.
"Can I just say something without you flipping out on me?" I asked after a moment's silence. Ryo, predictably, gave me the affirmative. "To be honest, Hiroshi isn't the only person I think about night and day. In case you haven't noticed, I'm in a rehabilitation program. My family's falling apart and I'm trying to keep myself together for the sake of my own selfish future. Now seriously, I do have some strong feelings for Hiroshi, but I can't just give him all of me, you understand? I've grown up locking myself inside myself and changing that all now is tiring and difficult. I try to do it for Hiroshi, really I do." I sighed, scrunching up my face.
"Lovable, aren't you?" Ryo remarked, looking at me with a soft look on his face. I raised an eyebrow and then shifted my eyes to look towards the window again. "Well, I've been in one of these places before, oddly enough, so I see a little of what you're feeling. I'll talk to him about how you feel though, because he's stark raving mad right now. Not at you!" He added quickly upon seeing the look on my face.
"He's just mad because there's nothing he can do for you. Like you, he's completely out of sorts because he can't control the situation." Ryo's words made sense, actually.
I spent the remainder of the day showing Ryo around the hospital (it was a Saturday, so I was free) and he'd share experiences with me about when he was in a hospital. I was surprised I was
confiding in him of all people, considering after we'd left New York, I hadn't thought of him again until this day.
He watched me silently as we ate our dinner…as I chewed my food methodically and swallowed it. There was no pity on his face; in fact the only emotion that registered on his otherwise stoic face was empathy.
A tray slamming down on the table brought our attention up abruptly. Zach sat down fuming.
"Psychotic bitch….goddamn pill-pusher…" He muttered angrily. Ryo glanced at me with his eyebrows raised.
"Something wrong Zach?" It took him a moment, but he finally noticed Ryo sitting next to him and he looked between us quickly, conclusions jumping to his mind that were extremely incorrect.
"Oh dear, is this the boyfriend?" He asked. I started to giggle; I mean really, I couldn't help myself.
"Nope, this is the boyfriend's friend. I was just oozing with curiosity, so I had to visit. Who are you?" Ryo asked with all sorts of hidden questions flying at Zach between the lines.
"I'm Zach, the manic depressive. I'm also largely gay, so that should just about clear up all those hidden questions you weren't planning on asking outright," Zach laughed, picking up Ryo's hand and shaking it absently. Ryo seemed startled at the gesture and he peered up at Zach in interest.
I wondered why we even bothered talking. It seems like all of the friends I make seem to have the ability to speak to each other mentally. I laughed at the thought.
…which caused two sets of eyes to turn to me in question.
"Sorry, continue by all means!" I said faintly, waving my hand in their direction rapidly.
"No I need to get out of here; I'm already suffering nicotine withdrawal." Ryo muttered as he stood up. I blinked a couple times wondering why on Earth Ryo had even come in the first place if he was going to leave so quickly.
"It was fantastic meeting you, Ryo." Zach drawled with a lazy smirk on his face.
"Likewise. Mary, Hiroshi misses you. He's not contacting you because he's a stubborn and overly proud jerk, which you should by now already know. So fatten up quick." And with that Ryo made his way towards the exit of the cafeteria…and I didn't bother following.
"Lovely little man, isn't he?" Zach chuckled.
"Well I'm surprised." I muttered in response.
Author's Note: Leave me comments, they make my day