I have a crush. No - I have an obsession. I may even be in love. His name is Roanyn. Roanyn is the most popular guy in school. He is pretty tall - 6'4". He's tan, built with muscles like a god, has blue eyes that gleam like mini sapphires, his hair is like a messy little brown-blonde mop that he musses up all the time to get attention, it's so cute. He's seventeen, a senior, and he's really smart. Though he as been the bane of my existence, I'm still completely in love with him. Every time I see him I just want to melt.
I couldn't say anything to him though, because unfortunately, he's straight. I really despise his girlfriend, Candace and it's not just because she's with him, she's such a bitch and a whore, might I add. She's about 5'7", blonde (kill me now), and has like, I swear double D's. I, personally, don't think she's very pretty at all. I mean, the girl has the personality of a teaspoon of sugar. She's probably the dumbest girl I've ever met in my life. She's never been on the honor roll, like he and I have, they have nothing in common (although I detest football, but, if he and I were to date I'd go to every fucking game just to show him how much I love him). She also has the emotional maturity of a match stick. I mean, the girl twirls her hair, pops her gum, and even kisses him like a floozie.
I don't know what he sees in her, is it because he's captain of the football team and she's head cheerleader? Usually that's like, the destiny of high school relationships, the captain of the team goes out with the head cheerleader, they get married, have a horrid marriage, boy leaves girl with two kids, blah blah blah! Roanyn doesn't need that in his life. Roanyn needs someone sophisticated, like me, who actually has a brain that can think other things besides cheerleading, food, sex, and friends.
The only person I can seem to rant to about this is my best friend, Akira. He's so cute and sweet. Akira is kind of short compared to Roanyn; he's 5'10". I love his hair though; it's long, going down to his chin, sleek and black. He has bright green eyes, and he's slim built. He has an amazing laugh that makes me laugh along with him and people tend to swear that he and I are completely insane. I can't help wondering at times though if he's in love with me. I mean, people say that we should go out; people swear that we're in love, but, I just don't see my best friend in that way…
Anyway, I swear that Akira loves me or something because his eyes gleam every time he sees me; he hugs and kisses me every time he sees me, and he bitches because I talk about how beautiful I think that Roanyn is. Another thing I've noticed is that he tries to play footsie with me under the lunch table, always tries to hold my hand or touch me in some way, and every time I spend the night at his house, we sleep in the same bed, yeah, but that's because we're best friends, but, he cuddles up to me and embraces me like I'm the love of his life. He acts like he's my boyfriend, and it's kind of cute. I do love him, just not in that way.
Despite all that, he's my best friend and has been my best friend since middle school. It was hilarious about how we found out each other was gay. It was in mid-October of seventh grade and he came up to me near the end of classes and asked me to come over that night to stay the night. I called my mom and she told me it was ok. Well, I went over to his house with him after school and we went up to his room. We sat on his bed and he got all nervous rubbing his hands on his jeans and started talking.
"Keirin, You've been my friend forever…I need to tell you my secret." he began.
"Go on, then," I told him.
"Keirin, I'm gay…" he said.
"Are you sure?" I asked him.
"Yeah, 100. You don't hate me, do you?" he asked with a shaky voice.
"No, Akira, of course not…I've been keeping a secret from you too." I said.
"Really now? What?" he asked, a little less shaky than before.
"Akira, I'm gay too." I said confidently.
"What?! Are you serious?! Are you just pulling my leg?!" he asked incredulously.
"No, I'm serious. I was just worried you'd hate me if I told you." I told him.
"Oh my god…I can't believe it, we're both gay…" he said.
That was the basics of our conversation that night. The only other things we ever talked about were what guys we liked and how we knew we'd be friends forever. That holds true even now, we've best friends ever since. I don't know what I would do without him.
I swear - if Keirin mentions one more word to me about Roanyn, I'm going to hurl. I mean, it's one thing for the Keirin to like him, but he talks about him non stop! I know I'm saying this half because I love Keirin, but, the other half of me is saying "Ewww…" because Roanyn is straight. I mean, come on, Keirin stands no chance in hell with Roanyn. I wish Keirin would open his eyes and go out with me, the person that really loves him.
Yeah, I know, it's all wishful thinking and it would ruin our friendship if we broke up and yadda yadda yadda, but I really, truly, honestly love Keirin. If anyone got to know the boy they would love him too, he's honest, kind, sweet, thoughtful…oh, I could go on and on. He's also extremely gorgeous. He has short hair that he spikes up with a different coloured gel every day. He's about 6 feet tall, and he's skinny with a little bicep definition and a clear definition of a six pack. His lips are full, but not huge, and look like they're just longing to be kissed and bitten. His skin tone is a light tan colour from his natural pigment genes. His eyes change colour multiple times a day…depending on his mood.
Speaking of his eyes, I'm the only one that has been able to match the colour of his eyes with which mood he's in. Nobody else can do that…not even Roanyn. His eyes, when he's happy, become this emerald green colour that shines like two beautiful gem stones. When he's angry, which, he is usually angry at me; his eyes shine this strange yellow colour that would remind you of a cat. When he cries or when he's sad…oh, how I hate it when he's sad and cries…his eyes turn this ice blue colour that is depicted like in cartoons. His eyes, when you see…well…what I feel is love…you see this deep purple that looks like shining amethyst in the rough. What really interests me is when he's not really feeling any sort of emotion whatsoever…his eyes…are this beautiful grey colour that I can just lose myself in.
Anyway, enough about his eyes…There are many other attractive qualities about him that do not just consist of looks. The boy is the most intelligent guy I've ever met in my entire life. He talks about things that don't even make sense to me, and I study everything and read everything all the time!
He completely amazes me. There are times throughout the day, when we're together, that I feel like lunging at him and kissing him or choking him. The only reason I would choke him is because he doesn't realize something good that's right in front of his face!
I'm sick of talking about Keirin. All it does is make me angry with the world.
I have this girlfriend, Candace. I love her with all my heart, I do, but there's something I just can't shake from me. It's like there's something wrong with me, and sometimes it makes me sick. I think I like guys. I have dreams all the time about them. Well, not just any guy, this guy Keirin from school.
How could I be gay? Or even bisexual?! It's so gross for a guy to want to suck another guy's dick or whatever the hell fags do. I have sex with my girlfriend all the time. I enjoy it…except for here lately, I haven't been enjoying it as much. But, it's possible that I'm just getting bored with what we're doing and we need to spice up a bit.
Anyway, back to my dreams. I don't know how they even occur in my mind. Usually at night I'm dreaming about the next football game (winning, of course!) or fucking Candace. Lately, they start out that way, but towards the middle and end they are completely different. There are two scenarios:
Scenario 1: I'm playing football. The cheerleaders are cheering along with the crowd. Everyone is going wild because it's the last five minutes of the game, we have the ball, it's third and ten. We hike, run, and catch the ball and get 20 yards, landing us at the 50 yard line. That takes about two minutes. There are another three left. The rest goes on, and at the end of the game, we get the touch down and win 35-30.
After the game, I take off my helmet and Candace runs up and kisses me right on the lips and we make out in the middle of the field. My eyes are closed, but then I open them, and it's not Candace anymore, it's that fag Keirin. He's kissing me with his arms around me and looking up at me with this wide grin on his face…..
Then I wake up…
Scenario 2: I'm at Candace's house and we're sitting in her room watching TV and eating chips or something else. Then things to usually as they do in real life and we're laying there making out. We both undress and hungrily touch each other's bodies with this animalistic nature. We lay down, and make out more, her nipples are hard as hell, just like my dick. She goes down to suck me off and my I lean my head back and moan.
Then I look down to touch her head and it's not her anymore…it's Keirin AGAIN. He pushes me back down, and the bitch is pretty strong, and he keeps going. I get into it and I don't even know why I do. My head goes backward again and I moan and groan and pull at his hair as he sucks me so good that it blows my mind. The boy comes up and kisses me hard on the lips.
Later…I do the worst thing ever…I return the fucking favor and suck his dick….and…and…I even ENJOY it. I listen to him moan and groan and grab at my hair and the sheets. I look up at his face and his moans turn me on even more. Finally, he cums in my mouth and I ACTUALLY SWALLOW IT AND IT TASTES GOOD!!!!!
Then, we fuck, well, I fuck him. I fuck him good and hard. We lie there and I'm on top of him, with every thrust his back arches and he moans deep and pushes himself against me. With every move and dip our bodies make into each other we moan and groan and kiss. He digs his semi-long finger nails into my back and it makes me even harder and more turned on and wanting to shove myself deeper inside of him. I can't do anything but pull away from his sweet, succulent lips and moan how much I love him. Finally I get so much pleasure from him that I cum in the condom I have on. He looks at me and says "I love you, Roanyn."…
Then I wake up…
What the fuck is wrong with me?! Ever since I've been having those dreams nothing seems right anymore. I feel like I really am in love with his guy and I can't do anything except think and dream about him. I even make fun of the kid during school…
I really need to stop dreaming about him. I need to stop thinking about him and concentrate on what's important: school, football, my job, and Candace. Not some stupid fag. I guess the only reason I'm dreaming about him is because my body is out of balance from lack of rest. I just need more sleep.
I do know one thing for sure. I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!