- Afterthought - 追想
06: Shattered
砕けられます
Emi was wrong. Another two weeks, I heard nothing. Pathetically, every time my phone rang, I was tripping over myself to answer my heart fluttering in my chest only to die without hearing that soft-spoken voice I remembered so well. I began to wonder if something was seriously wrong with me. Was it really the end of the world if I never speak to Kaoru again? I could go on and live my life and he'll live his and we'll be fine. But I could not bring myself to want that, because nothing is ever fine. From Grade School to Junior High, I thought the world revolved around me. I was the lead actor in my own play and my friends and family were just the supporting cast. In a way, the world was my playground. I was so optimistic but after what happened with my once best friend, it went down hill from there. In High School, a place where I should have been flirting with girls and trying to get peeks up skirts, making millions of friends and playing pranks, pretty much charming the whole school; but instead, I became the token loner. It happened over that summer before high school; I just stopped enjoying the things I used to. It was also then that I began working at my parents' restaurant.
So much changed for me after...after...
"TAKASHI!"
I jolt right out of the extensive reverie and drop the wooden spoon into the pot I was stirring. I feel my brows crush and wrinkle together, almost disoriented and unaware of my surroundings as I spin around to face the voice of my father. I'm face to face with one of his most powerful glares and I think I subconsciously shrink a little. My father may be shorter than me but he's still rather intimidating and has a strong presence. It may be his confidence, something I envy and once inherited but lost. I'm at a loss for words and possibly resemble a cod fish. But there is no need to speak and ask why my father is glaring a thousand suns, he informs me.
"It's burning, you stupid boy," he almost said that in a matter-of-fact tone.
Wait...did he just say 'burning'?
"Oh, shit!" Those colorful words are the first things that shoot out of my mouth after my dumb silence when I finally lock eyes on the pot of pasta I had been preparing. It's a real simple dish and no hassle to make, even a five year-old with slight aid from mom can cook this. But, oh, what's this? It looks to be dark smoke rising from the pot and little licks of fire rising from the stove. Ladies and gentlemen, Miyake Takashi has successfully burned noodles. In a scurry, I shut off the stove and fan the smoke, thankfully not setting off the fire alarm across the medium sized kitchen.
Once the hazard has died down, I inspect the massacre that was once an Italian dish or was going to be till I killed it with my day-dreaming. To which I should be punished for apparently because I feel a sharp pain to my head. I give a side-glance to my furious father who is tightly gripping a metal ladle. Obviously he smacked me with it and he's got a good arm for an old man.
"What is wrong with you, boy? This is the fourth time this week you've ruined a dish!"
"Eh...," my unintelligent response.
My father let out an exasperated sigh before scratching his bald spot. He seemed to be trying to come to a difficult conclusion about something. Ha! That reminded me of my situation with Kaoru all over again. He was such a mystery now. Strangely, he also appeared to be so far out of reach. My reach. It was as if he were a God and I the lonely mortal humbled in his presence and wishing to sit by him on some higher plane. Wow, when did I get all poetic and philosophical?
"Takashi, did you even hear me?" Whoops, I zoned out again.
I focus on my dad again with what is probably a sheepish look, "Uh, no, sorry."
He groans and turns to a skillet on one of the many stoves and inspects the ingredients inside. "See this is what I'm talking about, son. You need some time off, I think. You work too hard with school and helping out here...Your mind and heart is not in it, it's elsewhere and that's key in cooking."
My mind and heart elsewhere...?
I agree with him. I've been too messed up these days and its really affecting everything around me. Even at school, my grades are slipping a little and recently my professors have been interrogating me over it. However, I didn't know what to make of what he said. Those words, especially repeated as if on loop in my head, are making my insides twist and my chest flare up with heat. It was such an unusual sensation and I really have never experienced it before. I didn't know what to make of it but I wasn't sure I was ready for it to make sense.
My father tells me to take the rest of the day off and I wander to the little break-room where I proceed to remove my apron and the chef's coat. I'm left in just my loose-fitting jeans, the black singlet, and some ratty old sneakers I mostly only wear while I'm working because they're comfortable and I don't mind getting them dirty. I've just slipped my black button-up over my shoulders when my mother bursts into the break-room with a huge grin on her face. She's followed by my sister who sports a cheekier grin. I feel a little bad, Ami has been back from Okinawa for awhile and we still haven't caught up or hung out. The girls have kept my attention and of course all that drama I have going on with Kaoru. What am I saying? I'm the one creating the drama! I just can't face the fact that I may never be forgiven. Why should I be?
"Mom, I don't think he's listening," My sister's playful musing drags me out of my wandering mind. Crap, I keep doing that.
I sigh and turn to face them, starting to button up my shirt. "What's up?" I arch my brows to show that I'm listening and wait for an explanation to their grins, my sister's a little more cheeky.
"Well, son, you have an attractive visitor waiting for you up front," My mother and sister oddly exchange knowing looks with each other and spontaneously giggle. Now I'm sure I'm staring at them like they are crazy. I grab my shoulder bag from my locker, close it and enter the kitchen again leaving the silly females of my family to their giggle fest, though to me it sounds more like they are cackling. All I can think is, WHAT THE HELL? I pause near a counter and throw the strap over my head on my shoulder, my mind finally focusing on what my mother had just said; a visitor? Who would that be? It couldn't be...Could it? I would hardly believe it but I find myself quickly making my way to the front in a near desperation. Hope floods my heart with heat but that could just be all the blood pumping into it as it speeds up.
I abruptly stop however, when I get through the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. I stare.
It's Aiko and all I can think is, 'What is wrong with me?' and inwardly berate myself. I mean how could I have thought that Kaoru would really come visit me? I feel really disappointed and I'm not entirely sure why. With my heart in my stomach, I make my way slowly over to the bleach blond who has just spotted me from her little corner table and is currently waving me over enthusiastically. I force a smile and try to hide my disappointment. But to my misfortune, she has that all powerful woman's intuition.
"Expecting a certain VK vocalist, weren't you, lover-boy?" She's smirking at me.
"No, I-I..." I begin but she waves it off.
"Don't worry about it, I think it's kind of cute," she actually winks at me.
I'm sure my face is flushed right now and I slump into the seat across from her, grumbling incoherently to myself. It's true though, isn't it? I had hoped it was him, mentally prayed for it. Of course it's just my luck or maybe karma? Karma sounds about right. I'm getting comeuppance for what I did to him all those years ago. What else can the world throw at me? Though this is no huge thing but still how worse is it going to get? I swear one day I'm going to wake-up and find my apartment infested with bugs and rats, my hair falling-out, no money to pay the rent, a lousy job or no job at all, a beer-belly and pock marked face and I'm going to die of a brain tumor and all alone in that dingy apartment with flea-crusted cat. Okay, maybe not so dramatic but something bad is going happen, right? Kami is punishing me.
"Why are you here, Shimizu-san?" I ask, suddenly in a worse mood.
Aiko scoffs and leans back in the chair with her arms determinedly crossed. "With that attitude, I don't think I'll tell you the news about your rock-star dream boy," she says and has the audacity to casually survey her nails as if she has the whole world and me in the palm of her manicured hand. Well, she definitely has me. Of course, I conveniently ignore that 'rock-star dream boy' part and look at what she said as a whole.
"Wait. What do you mean news? What's going on? Is he okay?" I ask while sitting up straight in my chair and then leaning over the table. Oh shit, I hope he's not like hurt or some other crazy incident my slightly sleep-deprived mind can think up.
She suddenly bursts out laughing and drops her head into her arms on the table. Her body is literally shaking with laughter. How is anything I just said funny? I put up an incredulous perhaps slightly confused expression and just stare at her. Once the giggles subside a little, she lifts her head and grins knowingly at me. "You are so cute when you freak out over him," she puckers her lips, possibly an attempt to make a cutesy face. I am not amused.
After glaring for a few minutes, I just sigh heavily and rub the bridge of my nose then my eyes. I'm really tired of her teasing but I decline to tell her so and just resign for her to continue. "Alright, alright, just tell me what's up, Aiko-san," I hope that didn't sound like pleading. She smiles like a Cheshire cat, looking rather elated with what ever news she has on my old friend. Clasping her petite hands together, the bleach blonde leans forward to tell me hopefully.
"Well," she begins and pauses more than necessary. Now I'm leaning forward, moved by her will and held on bated breath. Must she be so suspenseful with this? "Kei Fest is this weekend and guess who's playing? Ragdoll, of course, and the girls and I got tickets!"
I sit up straight and stare at her blankly for a minute, "So what?"
Aiko let out a frustrated groan and gave me a look that clearly stated; you've got to be kidding me?! "Come on, idiot, this is your chance!"
"My chance? What do you mean?" I ask thoroughly confused like the idiot she calls me and I definitely know I am with what she says next.
"All the bands have booths at the concert they go to after they perform to sign autographs, take photos, and talk with fans. Do you see? You can get your chance to actually talk with Kaoru, make things right!" I stare at her after she says this but I wasn't really looking at her. My mind clouds and I realize she is right. I could salvage our friendship if I could just get close to him. So this concert could be the opportunity to reconcile. In other words, I have to go.
"There are still tickets, right? Please, tell me they are not sold out?!" Okay, maybe I'm a little overexcited.
"They're sold out," she says with a growing slightly mischievous grin.
"WHAT?! Shit, are you serious?!" I stand up immediately with palms planted on the table with what probably was an astonished expression. Then it dropped to a frown as the annoying girl laughs heartily that falls into soft giggles. She stands up and pats my head.
"Relax, puppy, I got you a ticket as well. No need to get worked up, though it has seriously made my day. Thanks!" Aiko grins cheekily. Puppy? When did I become that? She proceeds to give me directions and times for Saturday evening for the concert. I'll meet them there and hopefully Kaoru will give me that chance I need so badly.
---
"Why do you love me, Kaoru?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"No, it's not…please, tell me why?"
"It is not so simple, but I'll try if only you tell me why you do?"
"Why do I what?"
"Why do you love me, Takashi?"
My eye-lids flick open and come face to face with a furry head. This particular furry head seems to be running its sandpaper tongue all over my face and smells like bad fish.
"AGHHHH! Chiiiyoooooh!"
I sit up quickly in bed and use my duvet to wipe up all the cat saliva off my face. She does this all the time and consequently becomes my alarm clock in the most unpleasant way. Of course, I love the cat but her morning breath is atrocious. With a heavy sigh, I reach out a hand to pet her scratching behind the ears. She bows her head and pushes against my fingers urging me to go on. However my affection is nearly subconscious while my mind tries to remember those dreams I had before waking. Sadly, the only thing I recall is that they had something to do with Kaoru which is no surprise there. However I can't help but feel I'm missing something. It's the oddest thing. There is a strange little ache in my heart that I have never felt before.
I shake myself out of it and side-glance at the digital clock on the little bedside table. 8:46 it reads. This makes me sigh and fall back on my bed to stare listlessly up at the dull white ceiling. I'm feeling like that ceiling right now, dull and plain and—ridiculously stupid for trying to compare my self to an inanimate structure.
I ease up and out of my bed, feeling a need to linger to the comfort of the mattress but it's a brief sensation. I go straight to my bathroom and shower, in hopes of the activity would pull me out of my lethargic state. After the shower, which leaves me a little refreshed, I settle in my kitchen with a bowl of white rice and fried egg. Chopsticks picking at my breakfast I scan over the entertainment section of the newspaper. There is an article about the festival along with a list of the bands performing in the concert. My eyes find Kaoru's band's name, the time they perform, and what stage. For some reason I can not stray from the band name. Ragdoll. It's written in English and I wonder if there was any meaning behind the name they chose.
After breakfast, I take another glance at the time. The clock on the stove reads a quarter till ten. I still have a lot of time till the concert. The only problem is what to do in the mean time. I wander around my apartment for a little while, call my sister but she doesn't answer, and play with Chiyo while the T.V. plays some ridiculous game show. The host is quite loud with a rather disturbing smile in my opinion but I'm only half way paying attention. I honestly don't know the objective of the game but it doesn't really matter.
I end up falling asleep with my head back against the sofa and my arms folded comfortably across my chest. I'm having quite the vague and odd dream when I am startled out of it by a sort of ringing melody. I stir but it takes me a minute or two to realize that it's my doorbell. I unfortunately can not afford a more private apartment complex and so no one needs to be buzzed in or have an actual key to get into the building. It would be great for screening guests. Pretend I'm not home. Of course that is not what I do.
Slightly dazed from sleeping too much, I heft my lethargic body off the couch and shuffle over to my front door. I cautiously glance through the peep hole but frown when I see nothing but the door of the apartment across from me. I pull back and subconsciously scratch the back of my head trying to figure out if maybe I dreamt my doorbell ringing. I would say that maybe it's some mischievous kids playing a prank but there are not that many kids and none of them are on my floor. Finally, I decide to risk it and open the door after unlocking the bottom lock.
Two wild crazed monsters jump out in front of my door frame and surprise the living hell out of me. I think my exact word in response was something like, "AGRGGHHHH!" Though much more girly. I stumble back grabbing my chest after nearly having a heart attack. Thankfully I don't fall on my ass. Once my pulse has slowed down a little, I glance at the perpetrators. Aiko is laughing her ass off, hunching over her knees. Meanwhile, Emi is giggling like a school girl and flashes me unbelievably cute smile. It's kind of odd, that sort of look used to get me. Now, however, despite being an infectious grin it really just is a smile and nothing more. I'm not sure but the lack of feeling is sort of weird for me. I manage to glare and keep back my own smile though.
"What the hell?!"
"OH GOD, you're face!" Aiko nearly screams and doubles over again.
I have half a mind to slam the door in their face. Instead, I turn around and walk further into my apartment leaving the door opened for them. "Why are you here? I thought I was meeting up with you guys later at the festival?" My calm casual voice sounds fake even to me, so it is safe to say I'm annoyed.
Aiko follows in behind me with a shit-eating grin and Emi follows her pleasantly taking in my apartment with curious eyes, I notice her carrying several shopping bags. "Slight change in plans after I realized you needed mine and Emi's expertise," Aiko says making herself at home on my sofa and flipping through a cooking magazine I had left on the little coffee table.
"Expertise?" I was suddenly worried and my eyes narrow uncertainly.
"We are here, Takashi-san, to help you dress!" Emi informs me enthusiastically.
After me protesting and finding the whole thing absurd, the girls make me their doll and dress me up for tonight. I feel like I'm off to the ball to find Prince Charming—I mean, Princess Charming. They add last minute touches to them selves with make-up they brought with them in my bathroom before we head out to meet Kumiko and Mayu. I feel a bit apprehensive and my stomach continues to knot and coil. I just hope I get a chance to talk to him and make things right, because I really feel that is the only way to settle these feelings and hopefully sleep better at night.
I tug at the clothes they have me wearing. I feel out of my element in this outfit. The pants are a strange combination of yellow and green plaid with various pockets, zips, buckles, and straps in black. Aiko called them "bondage pants" which made me a little uneasy. They are snug around my hips and would have flared at the bottom if Emi hadn't insisted I tuck them into these combat boots that come up mid-calf. Those boots give me an inch and I'm already six foot or so and not only are they tied with shoelaces but have buckles and straps. Surprisingly comfortable though. I have a leather studded belt through the loops which I found not to be needed and acts more like a garnish than a tool. I have a singlet on beneath a fitting pinstripe, black collared shirt left un-tucked and the first two buttons undone. Over all of that is a dark green suede jacket which actually feels kind of nice. I keep touching it.
They left my hair to its usual shaggy self, giving up rather easily of doing anything with it. It's actually much tamer than it used to be. The girls suddenly start to wander around me like a pair of sharks examining me. It makes me feel self-conscious and almost annoyed. Finally they stop and give a "thumbs up" and their approval.
"You look fantastic!" Emi exclaims, clasping her hands together enthusiastically.
"Really? Because personally I feel like a clown," I retort and tug at the lapels of the jacket.
"Oh don't be a sour-puss! You are sex on legs, my friend. Kaoru will definitely salivate with just a glance," Aiko reassures, however that last part got me.
"Salivating? Aiko…!" Unfortunately, she cuts me off before I could say much else of the matter.
"Oh look at the time, Emi, we better head out."
"Okay! Let's go, Takashi-san!" Emi grabs my arm and I'm being dragged out of my apartment, barely grabbing a hold of my wallet.
---
You know how when you start a new school for the first time and being the new kid you feel out of place like you have just been thrust into a completely alien world? Well, I am definitely reliving such an experience right now.
Though I shouldn't be surprised considering we are in Harajuku of all the districts in Tokyo, but I don't often come to this area thus it is still a shock to the system. I mean I see these types all the time, but never so many. Despite it being unknown territory for me there is this electricity in the air that excites even me. Everyone seems so free spirited here, laughing and shouting and joking with their friends. My stomach tightens because my thoughts fall on yester years with Kaoru. I miss laughing and goofing off with him. I miss him teasing me with a playful smile. I miss him worrying and shouting at me for being reckless. You don't have to worry now, Kaoru, I'm hardly reckless now. I'm hardly anything.
I'm so introverted these days.
The girls keep complimenting me on how good I look and it must be true considering the amount of times we are stopped to take pictures with total strangers dressed in similar garb. I'm still awkward but try my best to seem casual and like I belong. My eyes wander over my company and noticed how different everyone is from each other and yet they get along so well.
Aiko is all 80's punk and carries herself like a biker chick as she leads through into the festival. Emi dressed in a white and pink Lolita outfit drags the most modestly attired Kumiko. She is grumbling while allowing her self to be subjected to everything that catches Emi's fancy while wearing designer jeans and a Ragdoll baby-doll tee over long-sleeved fishnet. Mayu is a quiet gothic ghost beside me and I find I like her company best though she is a bit creepy. Our silence is comfortable.
It really is like a festival. There are lights everywhere; from Christmas type lights strung around trees to colorful papers lanterns. It even has rides, games, food stands, and booths. It is quite amazing and I find myself in awe. "Wow," I mumble softly.
Aiko stops abruptly and spins around to address us like the Alpha of the pack. "Okay, we don't have time to play yet. The venue starts soon and Ragdoll is on after the first band," she states in a tone that suggests this is a military operation. "If you need to use the toilets, go now, and quickly supply on fuel if need be. It is imperative that we arrive at the stage as soon as possible for the best quality seats." Emi actually salutes her before we all briefly split up for restrooms and food.
I go with Kumiko to get food while Aiko follows a chipper Emi to the toilets. Mayu stalks off to save us seats at the direction of our leader. It seems she would be best at staving off any potential threats. I believe it.
Once all missions are complete we make our way to this large stage set up. There are some bleachers in the back but other than that there are no seats just grass for your ass. Mayu is easy to spot, standing alone and leaning against the stage. No one seems to want to get close to her. The girls start chit chatting while waiting for the venue to start. Meanwhile, I can not stop staring at the stage. I didn't realize we were going to be this close. Suddenly I'm so nervous, already draining half my Ramune watching the crew set up the stage and sound check. Will he spot me this close? I was hoping for a little anonymity. I am scared what his expression would be if he spotted me in the crowd. Or worse, if he is expressionless and cold as he was at the restaurant when he looks upon me. I deserve it, I know this, but it still stings. Is that my punishment for the pain I must have caused him?
There is a hand on my shoulder, light and comforting but I'm too tense right now. My eyes are fixed on the microphone stand in the center. I don't know what to do. All I do know is that I am so angry at myself. My hands start to hurt from the fists they are forming and I relax as if in defeat. I glance to my left to see Mayu again at my side, she's staring up at the stage too.
"We all make mistakes, Miyake, but when given the opportunity it is never too late to fix them." She turns and looks up at me, "You were young then and thus obligated to make mistakes. Knowing you were wrong and attempting to make up for it, shows your maturity." She gives a hint of a smile before the girls call her attention away from me. I let her words sink in and know she's right.
I was young and scared back then. I didn't understand or rather didn't want to because it frightened me. I would take it all back if I could but I can't. I have the opportunity to right my wrongs and that is what I intend to do. I will not give up till I make peace with him. To show him I still care for him. I feel that ache in my chest again and this longing to see him overwhelms me. How much longer, I wonder, till they play? I wish to see that passion again that I saw him display at The Underground.
The first band, Kandy Glass, comes out and plays a six song set. They have an Oshare Kei feel to them and seem fairly young but they do manage to entertain the crowd fairly well. I laugh watching Aiko and Emi get really enthused. KG is the opening band for the more major musicians tonight, Kumiko tells me. It looks like they are on their way to becoming major as well by the reaction of the crowd which is becoming rather congested. As their set ends, the crowd rushes forward toward the stage with the promise of who is coming up next. I am now pressed up against my friends and the stage overwhelmed by the sheer power of "fangirls".
I manage not to get crushed, which would be embarrassing considering my gender, height, and build. The lights on the stage go down and everyone, except for me, screams at the top of their lungs shouting declarations of love for Ragdoll and/or certain band members. Suddenly the sound of a samisen is heard, the plucking sound distinct as a spot light falls on a platform where the drums are and stairs leading to the lower stage. Then someone dressed in a powder blue kimono rises from what I could assume was beneath the stage. The flash of pink in his hair is familiar while he plucks a beautiful lacquered samisen with a plectrum. I didn't know he could play. Then again I didn't realize he was so musically talented before either. When we were younger he had always seemed like a wiz kid not an artist.
The kimono he wears leaves me with a sense of déjà vu, the pattern and color some how familiar but at the same time it isn't. It is just him playing the instrument beautifully. He looks like he's pouring his soul into it. The audience is cheering and in awe of his performance. Kaoru stands while still playing with a fluid grace and I can see a smirk grace his lips. The melody picks up speed and so does his movements. It feels like he is building towards a climax. Then he "twangs" the last note and just as he does so a flare of pyrotechnics burst from the edges of the stage in a brilliant vermillion. It catches me off guard and I jump back startled.
"Shit!"
Aiko jumps up and down beside me shouting at the top of her lungs. As the sparks fade, Kaoru is at his microphone smiling like a fox. He's out of his kimono and in a, what would look contrasting to me, black leather outfit. His leather pants look as if they painted them on and ride low on his hips with various zippers, buckles, and a few straps. They are fed into a pair of knee-high platform boots giving him at least three inches, maybe two and a half. A tight leather vest covering his torso with many buckles and zippers stops at his midriff revealing a flat stomach and slender sloping hips. The light catches silver dangling jewelry through the top skin of his navel. On his arms are these interesting sleeves that are held just above his elbows by a leather belt and flare down to the middle of his hands. They are not leather and have ribbon, ruffles, and lace at the ends. On his head is a black suede top hat with long silk ribbon tied in a big bow and dark fake flowers at the base.
My breath catches for reasons unknown to me.
Kaoru grabs the microphone and brings his cherry lips up to it.
"Good evening." His voice is soft, silky, and seductive. A strange chill runs up my spine after he speaks. I wonder if everyone felt it.
The crowd has gone berserk now, hands reaching out, young folks screaming like mental patients, it's intense and exhilarating so far. My eyes won't leave Kaoru even as I know the other band members appear at their instruments tuning and playing little tunes causing more commotion from the audience. A few minutes pass and Kaoru briefly glances back at his band mates as if looking for the go ahead. A crew guy hands Kaoru a midnight blue V Fender. He strums a few notes before speaking into the microphone.
"Are you ready?" Cheers and whistles. "This one's called Shattered."
The crowd goes wild as the keyboard starts first. I glance towards Jack at his synthesizer and follow the progression as the music builds soft at first. Toshio plucks his bass with a pulsing beat and Aya tails him with his drums. Then the two guitars start simultaneously, rough and strong bringing in the heat of the song. For a few minutes it was all instrumental till Kaoru's silk voice began to sing.
"I was in love for the first time…"
His body moved with his guitar, his lithe frame radiating a power I have never seen before. I was mesmerized.
"Feeling like I could catch stars and kiss moons."
I could see the girls singing along from the corners of my eyes. My heart pounded in my chest with the beat of the drums and bass.
"It was so easy to hope and hard to forget."
The music was hard and fast, but Kaoru's voice kept up in time with it perfectly. Even so the words seemed painfully sad despite the fast pace. It was slowly gripping my heart.
"This person held my soul,
But my fingers could not hold theirs.
So…I fall, fall down,
And shatter on the ground.
Lost in a million pieces,
Trapped behind a million faces,
My heart has been left broken.
It was my lover's last token.
Was it worth it?"
It dawns on me then after I have been so entranced that this song might be about what happened between us. Had I really left him shattered? Or am I being too vain? I don't know but there is one thing I do know.
I want to glue us back together.
He sings another verse and it becomes even more apparent the possibility of the relevance to what happen those some odd years ago. The chorus again before it goes a guitar solo by Yuki. I am pretty sure there is a mosh pit going on behind us. I have no intention of taking part and keep my eyes glued onto Kaoru. He flips his own guitar onto his back and moves towards the edge of the stage. He raises his arms smiling and it is screams galore. Eventually, Kaoru crouches down and begins grasping hands reaching out for him.
He makes his way from the mid right side towards the center where we kind of are. My heart is pumping even faster and as he gets closer my arm reaches out as if it has a mind of its own. Why did it do that? Without realizing, Kaoru grasps my hand, curling his fingers under mine as I do his. It's warm and I want to pull but I don't. Our eyes lock immediately and I can see his widen. I know he recognizes me. Kaoru's hand holds onto mine several seconds longer than he had down with any other, though it feels like several minutes. His eyes are less cold and more shocked, but I don't know which is better. I want to say something but my voice is caught in my thought. It is too late any how because he let's go finally, his smile returning as he moves on while the band jams behind him.
My hand is left in the air like a dead tree branch reaching for heaven but knowing it's useless. It slowly drops and I turn my head to watch Kaoru once more. My only wish at this moment is that I could feel the warmth of that smile he has on now, instead of the chill from his eyes. I want to see that admiration and care he held in them only for me one more time even if for a second. I am loathing myself.
After their last song in the set and they left the stage to make way for the next group, Aiko reaches up and pulls me down so she can whisper/shout in my ear. "Come on! We need to get to their booth before it gets overcrowded!" If where we were now isn't overcrowded I would hate to see what is. I nod and follow somewhat apprehensively the girls through the throng of sweaty teens and young adults towards these band booths.
It's time to face the music.
Author's Note: OH MY GODDESS!! I know, right? Took forever and a day. This chapter is like ridiculous long or at least longer than any other chapter. It's 11 pages in Word and about 6,088 words or something like that. I hope it makes up for like the year long wait. heh. Some parts I like, some parts I don't. But it's better than nothing it is decent enough. Relatively fillerish but it definitely gets awesome in the next chapter, I hope all my readers will enjoy that one. Look forward to it and hopefully sooner than this last one! We are getting closer to the climax and than the conclusion following. There are only like four or five chapter left and the epilogue. This one is somewhat short compared to my planned sequel, it will be much longer maybe twenty or so chapters. Also, Error-Author, the prologue is somewhat a memory but more like Kaoru reflecting or looking back on it, how they first met. Sorry for the confusion, it's all relatively rough this story and so bound for mistakes. I apologize! Anywho, thanks for all the wonderful reviews, however small, I really appreciate it. Encourages me and lets me know people are actually reading this. Keep it coming! Much love.