How Do I Begin This?

I've got a bad feeling he's going to come over, and I'm already in pajamas. It's 6 p.m. and we're all in freaking pj's. I'm having a get-to-gether with my best friends, Lauren and Ciara. Of course we're staying home and watching The Notebook, while all sharing a bucket of strawberry ice creme. Then we're watching Beaches. So, we're going to be a bunch of emotionally upset trio of 17 year olds, pigging out, gossiping, mascara running down our faces, in our pj's, and he's going to come over.

Well, he didn't say he was, but I know he's coming. What's worse is that my pj's are blue with yellow duckies on them, and my shirt is a skimpy tank top. Am I going to change? Hell no. I deserve a night out with the girls' without worrying about what he thinks of me.

I put my layered blonde hair into a sloppy ponytail. I took off all makeup, because I was so going to cry because of him, but blame it on the movie, and I didn't want make up running down my face, which Ciara's is sure to do so.

I opened the top drawer to my dresser, and after rummaging around for five minutes found what I was looking for; a little blue and fuzzy book. I opened it up to where I left off, after skimming down the constant numbers lining the pages. I guess this was my diary, even though I altered it a bit. I didn't write in it everyday, just when I needed to jot something down. I turned it into my "Secret Stash Book". It was a big list of secrets or fibs I told.

I skimmed down the numbers looking where I left off.

23. I HATE clowns.

24. I hate being the captain of the cheerleading team.

25. I tried dumping him so many times....

26. I hate being the "perfect" couple

27. I hate being nice to the fake people

28. I hate how I say hate a lot

Oh, number 29. I figured I be way ahead by now, but I only got this about a month ago.

29. I cheated on him more than he's cheated on me...

I threw the book back in the drawer, and closed it just as my bed room door was opening.

"You'll never believe who just walked right into your house and is DEMANDING to see you!", a shocked Ciara exclaimed. She was also in pajama's, even though hers were more "sophisticated"; pink. Everything was pink with her.

I sighed. I knew this was coming. "Let me guess, he's here to apologize to me in person since I keep deleting his calls, and won't call him back."

"He has some nerve, I mean we were just watching the one scene in The Notebook where they're at the beach. What did you come up here for anyway?"

To get away from that damn movie, even though I loved it so much. I just couldn't look at couples, let alone watch one of the greatest love stories on earth. But I wasn't just about to say that now was I?

"Extra blankets.", I lied, and grabbed a couple purple and blue ones out of my closet.

"Well, hurry up! You have to see this! I mean the nerve! Do you want me to kick him out for you? Lauren was just about to, but I thought I'd check with you first. So, right now Lauren and him are on opposite ends of the couch watching the movie. Ha! Can you imagine?", she tried to cheer up the situation, but failed.

I smiled and nodded my head, and followed her down the stairs. We walked casually through the house, until we reached the den, but to other people the den was bigger than their whole house. He quickly sat up, looking more gorgeous than ever.

His rich, dark brown hair was ruffled, looking like he had a rough night. He was wearing a white polo and his designer faded jeans. His green eyes met mine, probably trying to see what I thought of him being here.

My blue ones gave no response.

I put the blankets down, grabbed my aqua jacket I left on the couch, and sped off to the back door. Thank God I left that jacket their, it was freezing out. I silently cursed myself for wearing a tank top in the middle of winter before sitting on the porch swing.

Like I expected, he followed, in pursuit of a second chance, which I had every single right to turn down.

But, the truth is that this is what I wanted. I wanted to dump him for so long, I've tried to dump him. I've sneaked around behind his back, and when someone tried to tell him, he refused to believe it. The problem is that when I do try to dump him, I just see his green eyes, and fall. I don't want to hurt him, or lose his as a friend, but I just don't have the same feelings for him anymore.

Oh, God. He was on both knees now apologizing. "Aubrey, it was a mistake. I had too many drinks at the party. I never meant to hurt you. The truth is.....", and he paused. "The truth....The truth...". Poor guy, can't seem to get it out.

The real truth is that he was drunk, and I know it. I tried to get him to stop drinking, but he slapped me in a drunken rage. I left the party then. The next day there were pictures of him all over the school showing him and this sophomore together in bed.

Shit. I think he just said something important and I missed it.

"What did you just say?"

"It feels so good to hear your voice again!", he squeals in delight. "After going out since, well, Freshman year.... The truth is I love you, and it's killing me to see you hurt like this! Aubrey, we're the IT couple in our school! Everyone loves us, everyone wants to be our friends. For hell's sake you're the captain of the cheerleading team and I'm captain of the football team. We're meant to be together."

"What if I wasn't a cheerleader, Roger. What if I took art more and loved math. Would we still be meant to be together?", I say in a rage.

"I didn't mean it like that! I know you better than anyone! So, please, one more chance!", he says, his green eyes watering.

He actually doesn't know anything about me. Give or take, he's been a really good boyfriend. He's always there for me, always wants to be with me.... but then he did hit me at that party.... but I cheated on him so many times..... but I want to so desperately to break up.... but he's crying.... and who else am I going to date? There's no one in the school...

Dammit. I know I'm going to regret this.

"OK.", I whispered, shocked those words were coming out of my mouth. "Just leave me alone this weekend. I need time to cool off."

He jumps up and gives me a peck on my forehead. "I'll see you Monday.", he says happily before walking down the steps to his Hummer.

I walked back in the house, fully aware that Lauren and Ciara were watching the whole thing through the window. I silently cursed at myself for what was about to be coming in about 3....2...

"YOU'RE KIDDING ME, AUBREY!"

Jesus, I wasn't even near the living room and I could hear Lauren screaming from the den. I put my jacket in the hall closet and made my way back to them, knowing I better get comfortable while they both fight over the matter.

I laid down on the couch, curled up with the bucket of ice creme to myself. Lauren was stomping up and down the room, furious, while Ciara was clapping and squealing with delight.

"This is soooo romantic! He says he loves you!"

"It's a lie! He just wants one thing now! That's why he used the L word. He freakin hit you!"

"But, it was in a drunken rage, oh this is like Romeo and Juliet!"

"How the hell? No! This can not possibly be anything like Romeo and Juliet! I'm not having two teenagers commit suicide!"

I silently laugh as they both fight, then curse myself for falling for his green eyes. Why does he have to be so pretty?

I reminded myself to write another number down in my book the next time I got upstairs.

30. I haven't told my friends I cheated on him, and that I want to dump him.