This story is a change for me. Hope you like it. It's meant to be light-hearted and not taken seriously, though there will be some of that somewhere in later chapters. And if the pacing unnerves you, sorry, but that's kind of my trademark; fast scenes that rely on dialogue for details. I've always written that way, and I doubt it will end anytime soon.

Warning: Will contain sex scenes as graphic as I can get away with on this site (which isn't much, but still a little explicit). 16plus will be able to handle them. This story deals with homosexuality (male/male) in a humorous, stereotypical and satirical way. So, if that's not your thing...you need to have your head examined.

For my best friend Mat, because I never would've understood the male mind if not for him.

Overrated by Living Out A Sacrifice


(James's POV)


Chapter 1: A Day in My Boring Life

My life used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for Most Boring Life. But after one day, the order was completely destroyed. I guess it started with my (ex) girlfriend, Madeline.

I could forgive Madeline for many things. When I saw the spaghetti sauce dribble straight from her chin and onto my very expensive tablecloth, I was ok with it. Oh, sweetie, don't worry, that big red stain gives it just the look I was going for: slob. When she made me change the channel during the Macy's Day Parade so that she could watch the football game, I obliged, if only so I could go into the bathroom and look for my manhood. Your girlfriend's making you watch the game? You're such a loser! Which was a hypocritical insult considering that I was the one insulting me. But this was not something I could just overlook. My boxers were on my perfectly trimmed bushes!

"Madeline!" I ran into my yard and continued picking up the clothes that were scattered across my lawn. "Madeline!!!" I screeched up to the window from which she was tossing my clothes.

"What, James?"

"Couldn't you, I dunno, throw me out in a less dramatic way? This isn't some movie!" Mady answered my request by tossing another pair of my boxers directly on my face.

"Thanks!" I gave her a sarcastic thumbs-up and peeled the cloth off my face. She slammed the window after that, and I assumed she was done. Good for her.

I carried as much as my small arms could possibly allow, and walked down the street, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. She cheated on me. And broke up with me. She threw me out. Of my apartment. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that I was jipped. But, it also didn't take a rocket scientist to see that I needed some liquor. Or a hooker. Or both.

But first, was work. Joy.

888

If you asked me what I did for a living, I'm not sure I could tell you. Then again, you probably wouldn't ask in the first place. "Excuse me? Yes, could I have everyone's attention?" I stood on my desk. In the cubicle across from mine, I heard my friend Trish whisper to my best friend, Derek, "I can't believe he's really doing this…."

"He's still in denial," Derek supplied, and I sent him an evil glare. I wasn't in denial. Mady would come around. I wasn't making up something. I knew she couldn't live without me. We could never really break-up.

"You will all be happy to know that Mady and I broke up," I announced to the several staring faces in the office. "I know. I know." I waved my arms. "I couldn't believe it, either. Apparently, that guy Josh meant a lot to her. More than just her friend, he was."

"When you start speaking like Yoda, I think we can officially say that you've gone over to the dark side." Derek looked at me, pity plastered across his face. "Why don't you just get down?"

"I would, but the people in the office need to know this, don't you?" I looked across the crowded room. Several people grunted in reply. "See?" I looked at Derek.

"Just leave him alone," Trish pulled Derek back into the chair next to her. "He's so much in denial, it's not funny."

"I wish you'd stop saying that!" I hissed at Trish, and then looked at my colleagues once more. "But Mady will come to her senses. She'll see that she can't live without me. And we'll get married, and have babies, and---"

"Pollack?" I heard a growl behind me.

"Mr. Grey?" I turned to my boss. I should probably describe him, just so you can know what I have to deal with every day. He's fat, bald, and smells like cigars and old garbage. You know, the kind that people are now so afraid to approach because it's been decaying far too long so it just gets continually more malodorous?

"What the hell are you doing, Pollack?"

"Madeline broke up with him this morning," Derek volunteered.

"That pretty little thing you brought to all the Christmas parties?" Mr. Grey furrowed his eyebrows together in thought.

"Yep," Trish smiled. "That's the one. But she wasn't that pretty, was she Mr. Grey?"

"Ummm…." Mr. Grey looked at me.

"Don't lie, sir. She was completely and utterly out of my league."

"Pollack, I don't know much about leagues…," Mr. Grey twiddled his moustache. Yeah, he has a moustache. And sometimes, these little pieces of food get stuck in there (who knows how long they stay there, EW!), and all I want to do is just pluck them out.

"She threw his clothes out the window," Derek pointed at my weak little pile next to my desk.

"Just get down, Pollack, before you break your neck. I can't have any more law suits against this company."

"I just felt it necessary to vow that I'd get her back, sir," I explained my reasoning, and Derek pulled me down off the desk.

"Whatever, kid," and the fat, little man left me be.

"You gonna be ok, kid?" Helga, a very heavy-set woman with a big heart, poked her head in to my cubicle.

"There's nothing to 'be ok' about, Helga. Mady will come to her senses," I repeated. It seemed as if my mantra was the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. She said nothing, and just shook her head knowingly.

"You can't do this, James." I was brought back to the guy across from me when Derek spoke in his deep voice.

"What?" I looked up (he's five inches taller than me) into Derek's brown eyes. "It's not like I'm beating myself up over the break-up." I shrugged.

"Yes, but you're refusing to believe it's over---"

"Because it's not." I finished the sentence for Trish. Derek threw his face into his hands in exasperation.

"Ok, look. I didn't want to say this," Derek paused. "But Mady- total bitch!"

I inhaled, and stepped back from my friend, causing myself to bump into my desk. Several papers fell onto the floor, but I refused to lean down and pick them up. "Take that back." I scowled.

"No."

"Do it."

"No."

"Do it!" I screamed.

"Pollack, Masters, get back to work!" Mr. Grey yelled from his office, and I rolled my eyes at Derek.

"I thought you were my best friend." I sat back down at my desk, and Derek tried to speak to me, but I ignored his pleas.

"Fine." He growled at my form, which was currently slouched over my desk, pretending to be writing down some very important information. "We won't reconcile. You'll lose your best friend and your girlfriend in one day. Good job." He shot, and I winced as if it literally hurt. He began to storm away, but not before running back to my desk, and grabbing a troll doll off its corner. "I get custody of Jerry."

"Jerry!" I exclaimed, watching Derek's retreating back. I turned back to face Trish's cubicle, which was directly across from mine. "He took Jerry!"

"You guys did agree that in the unlikely case of a divorce, he would get custody. You did a contract and everything." She reminded me. I bit my tongue. Stupid contracts!

888

The rest of day passed with no event, and at five, I was walking over to Derek's car, my clothes in my arms. "Do we still carpool, or are we really over?" I asked.

"You know I'll never stop loving you," Derek winked, and I hopped in to the seat beside him. Derek started the car, and then stopped.

"What?" I asked in concern.

"I'm sorry for what I said about Mady."

"It's ok." I laughed, still not able to comprehend how Derek could still be worrying about this. "I know that you didn't mean anything. You were angry with me, not her."

"What?" Derek looked at me in confusion.

"You know; you said those things about Mady, but they were really about me. I've got ya." I patted Derek on the shoulder.

"James, I love you, but, how could you be so unbelievingly stupid?" he stared at me.

"What?"

"I said that Mady's a bitch because she is! She's rude, arrogant, and not funny. She's slobby, which, I'm sorry, but how in the hell did you put up with that? You're such a neat freak, I can't even believe---"

"Woah!" I looked at my friend in shock. "How can you say that? She's the love of my life."

"No, she's not!" Derek objected. "You got drunk at a college party four years ago, had sex with her, and then called her your soulmate, that- that's not love! That's a one-night stand that's lasted way too long!"

"Oh my God! I can't go home with this!" I jumped out of the truck, and began walking away.

"Where are you going?" I heard Derek pacing behind me.

"I'm getting as far away from you as humanly possible."

"So, what, you're going to walk home forty blocks?"

"If that's what it takes, oh damn!" I exclaimed when a t-shirt fell out of my grasp. "Here!" I went back and grabbed the offending item out of Derek's hands.

"We need to get drunk," he stated seriously; "you need sex."

"I don't need drinks, or sex," I lied, considering those were two things I would've very much liked. "I just need to get away from you!" I began walking again, but was not satisfied with the fact that I could still hear Derek's gait behind me.

"Twelve years, Derek! Twelve years, you've been my best friend. I dated Mady for four! You never had a problem with telling me how much you hated my girlfriends before, why did you keep your mouth shut?" I screeched.

"Because you were happy! As long as you were happy, I decided to let you be that way. But for the record, I've never liked her."

"That makes me feel so much better!" I looked back at Derek, and then turned back to my front. I stopped as the parking lot ended, and I was looking at a very busy street.

"It'll be hours before you can cross." Derek placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Leave me alone." I shook his hand off. "I don't want anything from you." I felt the tears sting my eyes. "I'm going home, where Mady will be, and she'll be waiting for me, and we'll work this out." I stuck out my foot, and a cab pulled up.

"James, I don't think---" Derek looked at me, his quiet intensity making me nervous.

"We'll talk later, Derek," I spoke quietly, finally deciding to be a bit kinder to the brother I never had. "Right now, I just need to get home." I shut the door, and told the driver my address. It pulled up in front of the apartment building, and I smiled at my portion of the lawn. Perfect, as usual. It was like that huge fight had never happened. Life was still ok.

"Mady? Madeline?" I opened the door. "I want you to know, I'm here, and I know you were upset over that Josh thing---'

"Oh, hey, James," Josh paused before me, standing in all his glory.

"Could you put a towel on or something?" I looked at the ceiling, trying to ignore Josh's very impressive southern state.

"Right." He pointed to his head, and then began looking around on the floor for something to cover himself up.

"You know what? Just call Mady, and tell her to give me a call. I'll be at Derek's." I left the apartment, head a-buzz.

It really was over. Hopefully, my relationship with Derek would be easier to salvage.

888

"So, he was naked?" Derek hiccupped.

"Yep," I downed another glass of vodka. "Very, very naked."

"I told you she was a bitch."

"No, she's not." I poured Derek and I another set of shots.

"Yes, she is, she never appreciated you," Derek sighed.

"And I didn't appreciate you today. Sorry," I slurred, clinking my glass with Derek's.

"It'sok," he said as one word. "We're best friednssss…"

"You mean friends. I don't know what the word you said is." I laughed.

"Yeah, well. You know what I mean, and that's why we're such good friends."

"The best." I clinked our glasses again, and mine spilt on me this time, causing me to shiver. Derek's was already empty. "You're drinking more than me," I observed.

"Yeah, well," Derek repeated, as he poured himself some more.

"Are things ok with you? Did you and Tracey break-up?" I asked, trying to sound concerned.

"Nah. He's just being a git." Derek sighed, and picked up the bottle, chugging it down himself. When Derek had first come out to me, I'd been shocked. He'd hit on all those girls with me (we never scored), he looked at my Dad's Playboys with me, and we fantasized about what sleeping with Madonna would be like. But he did, and I didn't love him any less. I didn't freak out when he hugged me, or when he grabbed my hand. Woman weren't attracted to me, why would Derek be? And then he met Tracey a few months ago, and the two seemed very happy. At least from what I'd seen.

"How?" I asked, holding out my glass as he poured me some more.

"He wants me to do Drag."

"And you don't do that?" I asked, laughing. In our friendship, I'd probably be the one voted gay. I was afraid of more things than any person should be, I was extremely feminine, and cared more about my appearance than any girl possibly could. Derek was athletic, and funny, and extremely masculine.

"No." He shook his head. "I don't."

"Oh, Derek. You've got to learn to please your man." I giggled, and Derek hit me.

"I'm serious."

"Just suck it up and do it, I say," I announced. "It's not that bad."

"Wait- you've done it?" Derek looked at me in shock. I nodded.

"Mady used to make me dress up in her underwear, and dance around. I think it turned her on or something," I shrugged.

"Freak," he sighed.

"Sometimes I wish I was gay," I stated, suddenly.

"Howcome?" Derek asked after taking another sip of his drink.

"Because I know what guys like in the bedroom. Sometimes I feel like woman are a complete mystery." This caused Derek to snort into his drink.

"Men are just as hard to please as women, trust me. And that's not a very good reason for becoming gay," he smiled.

"You'd be the good reason." I winked at him. He chuckled. Derek and I had started playing this game where we flirted with each other when I'd first found out that he was gay, and somehow, it'd never ceased.

"You know you want me," he growled back, a smile still playing his lips. If I was gay, I could see how someone could want Derek. He was very handsome. Tall, lean and muscular, his body was everything my pudgy one wasn't. His hair was the perfect mixture of brown and blonde, and his look screamed Abercrombie model. I often thought that God had turned Derek gay so we'd never have to compete over women. Lord knows if we did, I'd never win. "I'm sorry about Mado." He grabbed my hand.

"It's Mady, but that's close enough." I smiled. "Thanks." I squeezed his hand back.

"She's an idiot. You're a great guy." He looked at me sincerely.

"Thanks." I smiled again. "You're so nice," I don't know what caused me to do it, but in that moment, I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Derek's lips. I'm pretty sure (I was drunk, so I may never know what I was thinking), that it was meant to be a sign of friendship. Instead, it came across as extremely intimate.

"You've had a lot to drink, James," Derek observed.

"I know." I sighed, and leaned my head back on his cushion. Derek stood, and began cleaning up our dishes from the dinner we'd shared before we'd eaten. "Hey, Dare?" I called into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" he came back, and sat back down next to me.

"If I was gay, and we met at a bar or something, would you ask me out?" I asked. Even though I hadn't opened my eyes, I heard Derek chuckle.

"What kind of question is that?"

"The kind every friend asks his best friend eventually." I opened my eyes and looked in to Derek's. They were dancing playfully.

"I must've missed that in the friendship manualle." He emphasized the 'l' in manual too much, but still looked at me. "You're drunk and upset, not a good combination."

"No," I kissed him quickly. "It's not." I kissed him again, and was shocked when this kiss deepened. I should probably tell you that I've never once questioned my sexuality before. I've always been straight. I just knew it. In fact, I'll admit that I've always been a bit perverted. But as I sat there, realizing just why all the girls in high school liked kissing Derek, before he 'knew who he was', I was suddenly very confused. Feeling my best friend's tongue trail my mouth, and run along my tongue sent shivers throughout my body. I was surprised when I let out a groan. Derek pulled away.

"This is gonna ruin our friendship," he said in a venomous tone, and stood.

"You don't know that." I looked at him.

"Yes," he nodded. "I do. You're straight, James. And if we start something, you're going to regret it, and you're going to look at me weirdly from now on. Things will become so awkward between us---There was a reason I never started this before!" he huffed and went into his room.

"Before?" Derek liking me before seemed to be such a foreign thought, though it made perfect sense. "You liked me." I entered his room cautiously and then sat on the bed next to my friend, looking at his back as he refused to turn to me.

"Stupid, I know," he sighed. "I got over it after a while." He turned to me, eyes filled with the emotions I knew so well. "You're my best friend, and I can never lose you."

Now, normally this sort of comment would receive a hug, or a nod, or some kind of gesture of our friendship. I am not normal. I was an extremely lonely, horny, curious man. So, I kissed Derek again. After things got heated, I pulled away.

"Why didn't you teach me how to kiss?" I growled, looking down at him. "I could've gotten so many more chicks!" he broke out into his trademark smile, which was just the reaction I was looking for. I kissed him again, and felt his hands trail my stomach, and begin to lift up my shirt. But unlike all those times when women undressed me, and I wondered if they realized they were about to see a chubby, extremely white guy, I knew Derek knew what I looked like. I was expecting no signs of disgust, or humor, so I was surprised when I felt Derek chuckle in the back of his throat.

"What?" I broke our kiss yet again.

"Your belly's so cute." He giggled.

"It's disgusting," I sighed. "Nothing compared to your chest." I looked down and his well-toned muscles, even visible through his white t-shirt, and felt my pants tighten convulsively.

I knew then that I was either in or out.