Shower Confessional

I like taking showers, no matter what I've done I can wash it all away. Everyone's heard that theory before, I'm sure, but for me I really mean it. For a whole twenty minutes I am nothing but water, bubbles, and passion fruit conditioner. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. Then the water runs cold and my hands shrivel into those of the old lady I won't ever become. Reality comes back with a vengeance.

I am listening to thunder now, and the tapping of light rain. I just came out of the shower and negative emotions blanket my mind. This night was the first time in months that I washed blood down the drain. I don't fully understand why, but I have a rather disturbing urge to slash at my wrists.

I've talked to people that are labeled as "cutters" and I don't really share their opinions on it. They say it makes them feel good, calms them, that it doesn't even hurt. For me it hurts so much, every tear across my skin is agony, every time I push the razor just a little deeper it burns. I suppose I'm a different sort of "cutter". I cut to punish myself because I don't think I deserve life. It makes no sense. I'm slightly overweight yes but no one's ever made fun of me before. I have friends, a pretty good family, and a comfortable lifestyle. Why would I want to die? Why would I want to hurt myself? I wish I knew.

I'm not much of a blogger so I thought I might try to post my thoughts here. I guess I just wanted to see if there was anyone that felt remotely like me. Doubtful, but I always have to try. I don't think I'd like anyone to flame me over this but it really wouldn't upset me that much. I'm writing this for me, to get this off my chest.

Here no one knows me, at least not the real me, and that knowledge is freeing in a sense. I just hope I don't run into people that say things like "quite being such a pussy!go slit yours wrists and die.quit fuckin complainin!" Sadly, I've heard someone actually say that to a depressed friend of mine.

Do people really think it's ok to say that? I'll admit that I sometimes get irritated by the large amount of people that pretend to be suicidal for attention or to be "emo", but still saying that to people is just wrong. Maybe if people are hurting themselves for attention you should just give it to them because there's obviously something wrong.

I am definitely not suicidal for the attention, in fact I hide my scars to such an extent that there only two people that have the faintest idea that there's something wrong with me. I think perhaps I may cut myself because I hate myself. I hate the fact that I'm so pathetic that I cut myself. It's like a vicious cycle. I get depressed so I cut myself; I hate myself for cutting so I get depressed.

I wish I knew someone that loved me enough to understand what I do to myself, maybe even help me, but that person doesn't exist. Although, maybe I don't want help, I just want to stay this way because at least I won't be bored. Then I start hating myself again for thinking like that and being so damn selfish. What kind of person likes being fucked up so they're not bored?