Consequence 8: You puked on him & he gallantly hosed you off
If you asked me, it definitely didn't make a girl real comfortable when she was rooted to the spot and barely hidden behind a tiny wet towel with three freaking un-sterilized males in front of her. Sadly, no one raised that question. Because they were either:
a. Too busy going ballistic and lecturing about moral values
b. Too occupied playing Knight in his less-than-shining Spongebob Boxers to protect his best friend from further visual molestation
c. Too furiously blushing at the sight of the excessive exposure of, may I add, fine tanned skin, and putting his shirt back on.
Strangely, the last option did the weirdest thing to my stomach. Apparently, the sight of Evan's washboard abs gone made me feel like my hamster just died.
Collecting himself, Khosh adopted his professional majestic ways again and cleared his throat loudly, "Well, Alexandra Zarc. I have a job for you."
Automatically, I rolled my eyes in exasperation; "I thought I've handed you all the three stupid strings already."
Piercing his eyes through mine, he continued seriously, "You are to attend a teenage party in a neighboring town called Jiffville where people posses less magical powers than Rollick. You are to be one of the guests, namely Noelle Zloty who is a rather active and popular young lady. This is to increase the efficiency of you gaining as much knowledge as possible on the Cursed Ones. The aim is to determine the best date to launch an effective attack on them so that we can easily claim victory over Rollick. In addition, you are highly advised to take Spicolli along with you as he has proven himself as a reliable accomplice."
Evan reliable? Give me a break, since when the world stopped spinning and males were labeled Mr. Dependables. I fixed a hard look at Khosh. "I'm not going anywhere," The words rolled off my tongue resolutely, "My best friend needs me."
Reaching out, I took Toby's hand. His rigid figure softened. His parents had just broken up and I hadn't carried out my duties that were written in the job description as a friend. From the corner of my eye, I saw Evan dismally looking away from us.
Releasing Toby's hand as though it had scorched me, I quickly jerked towards Khosh, "Okay, maybe shit I'll go and let myself be used like a helpless squawking bait in a pond of fucking piranhas but I'll be taking Toby with me. He needs something to get his mind off stuff." Khosh rolled his eyes in very much the same way as I had. I was aghast. The freaking horse stole my trademark!
"Very well," he said, irritated but hardly as bothered as I was, "But I've only managed to put 2 of the guests to unconsciousness." Waving a strongly muscled human arm, two disgustingly bright pink passes appeared on our hands. With another gesture, a bright red portal flew into sight.
"I strongly feel it'll be most appropriate that your dear friend would be Mr. Spicolli's relative. Your mating partner is disguising as a celebrated sportsman called Charlie Posh and has too much relative for people to carefully keep track. All the best fellow gentlemen and lady," Khosh bowed slightly and kicked us into the red hole with his hooves.
Could you believe that horse actually work for the royalties?
"Last time I was this stripped in the open, I was coming out of a bitch's uterus wailing!" an enraged voice roared.
Ah, the hatred in the voice sounded damn familiar.
But standing in front of me were two foreign beings. Lin was disguised as a very scantily dressed woman who looked seriously attractive under that heavy makeup, except that the look of deep loathing on her appeared quite weird on the new body. Beside her was a man who probably was the next sex god in line behind Justin Timberlake. His hair was slicked back and the sharp eyebrows on his too handsome face made him look kinda cocky. And I, was disguised as a-
"Red riding hood's grandmother, how freaking kind of Khosh to be so thoughtful?" snapped Lin, looking down at me in my wheelchair. Reeling, she stormed away into the darkness and whined in her new sultry voice, "I'm wearing some shit about the size of a DNA strand and I feel like my boobs weigh a ton! I wonder how Megan Bikkel can actually walk with these bricks in front of her."
Newsflash: Lin never whines. Like things weren't already strange enough. I was in a wheelchair and surrounded by dark weird houses along the road that seemed to slightly float in mid-air.
Trailing after Lin and her very short leather skirt and back-baring halter, Evan and I were desperately trying to keep up with her very long and angry strides. Stretching out his long masculine hand, he twirled Lin around, "Listen, in a few minutes we'll be back into our own bodies and if you like, I'll join you to kick Khosh's behind."
With a voice dripping with sarcasm, Lin drawled, "Are you speaking to my gigantic boobs or my face?" Sputtering, Evan looked up slightly, "Okay, um, you're Lin Sky who's an, um, important member of the undercover team. Just talk a little at the party, get some information and we'll bail out of there. If it comforts you, I promise I wont let anyone do anything funny to you there."
There was a hint of a smile on Lin's face then it flitted away as soon as it appeared, "Don't be an asshole, I'm not a wimp."
Shrugging with exaggerated sympathy at Evan, I snatched the pink slip from his strongly veined hand and said casually, "Honey, is that a barn? The paper said the party was held at the only barn in Jiffville."
I coughed a little, totally not used to me having an old folk's voice.
"Is it red?" Lin asked, distractedly. To my dismay, she somehow looked like she was having trouble tearing her eyes away from Evan.
"Shit well it isn't a barn!" You know what, I might just find myself whipping Khosh's butt too for replacing my best friend's brain with air. Patiently, Evan pointed out, "Hey, the picture in this flyer looks exactly like the one Toby pointed out. Let's hit it."
At the entrance of the barn, two big-eared things that could walk and talk greeted us. After handing over the pink slips and Evan smiling with his sick charm at them while pushing my wheelchair, we stepped into a huge pink room littered with glittering lights. Bodies were warming up against each other at the dance. And the most important ingredient to a party: Lots and lots of hot broads laughing, dancing and … just being there.
It was just too bad I was taken, and that I was on a wheelchair. Dammit, I wonder what happened about Lin taking my mind off my sorrows?
Before anyone of us could do anything, a tall dark and in my dismay handsome guy strode towards Lin and blurted out, "Noelle! You said you'd meet me in the closet by 9pm. Where were you?"
Startled and clearly horrified that she had landed herself in a pink room and being confronted by a male, Lin narrowed her eyes but collected herself and replied nonchalantly, "Fashionably late, duh." The stranger dragged Lin away from us with his hand tightly clasped around her waist. Lin was dead rigid.
"Shoot, I bet with all the teeth this old lady has that Lin will lose her head in 17 minutes and that guy will end up with his butt charred," I chortled, fiddling my new graying hair. To my utmost annoyance, Evan had completely turned a deaf ear on me and hurriedly trailed after Lin with a deeply concerned expression.
Grumbling rather colorful words under my breath, I decided not to worry about those sickening lovebirds till later. Wheeling my chair clumsily, I rolled to the bar where a tight group was hanging out.
"I'm a schedule-like of supernatural. So listen up before I shoot acid into your mouth," a voice snarled. It sounded like the person had metal needles in his throat. I ordered an ice-blended coffee from the bartender shakily. Behind him, I caught sight of Mr. Tall-Dark-And-Handsome handing Lin a shot glass. She hesitated but put on a fake smile and accepted it. I felt a jolt of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach.
A drunk Lin Sky was the last thing anyone needed right now.
Believe me, I knew.
"In a week, we Cursed Ones will be celebrating the three months anniversary of conquering Rollick," perking up, I tucked the graying hair behind my ears and tried very hard to camouflage into the wooden seats, "I need all the soldiers parading and the place be decorated with the dead bodies, is it understood?"
There was a murmur of agreement among the group. I was about to slink away after getting hold of this piece of information that I hardly understood when a sneer traveled to my ears, "Hey grandma, what are you sneaking about here?"
A distant uncontrolled laughter entered my ears. I felt a burning feeling of shock. Lin was with a typical Aryan guy that Hitler would adore. She had just accepted a can of beer from him. Distractedly, I cocked my head and put out my hand like how my baby Grace always did when I caught her copying my homework, I gasped, "Qué?"
Sneering Jerk looked taken aback and wrinkled his nose, revolted. Like he wasn't revolting looking enough with that horrid slightly scaly skin. Actually, his entire group was kinda freakishly scaly. Then looking around, he demanded, "Who in Rollick's ass is she? And why is she drinking the repulsive frozen coffee?" vague replies about me being a relative of Charlie Posh littered the air around us.
"Is that right?" inquired Sneering Jerk furtively. I simply stared at him with the kind of eyes Lin's hamster looked at me when I complained to it every time I had a problem, "Qué?"
Leaning back in his seat, he muttered, "Freak." Sighing, I must be a total loser. I mean, being labeled freak even in the supernatural world. Turning his attention away from me, he sneered, "Aw, look. The slut just got cornered."
Tilting my head ever so slightly, I saw Lin being surrounded by three good-looking guys. It might just be paradise for other girls but in Lin's case, the guys didn't look too happy with her. There were snickers after Sneering Jerk's comment. Drawing to her fullest height, Lin curled her fist by the side with one hand clutching a sinfully large beer bottle. My eyebrows knitted in alarm. Lin could fool anyone with her tough stance but not me. Her feet seemed unstable and her cold blue eyes looked troubled. The nasty whistles and shouts didn't help matters. Something was boiling under my skin. All of a sudden, I stood up and shouted in Sneering Jerk's face, "Crapping sin parar, dónde está el lavabo?" Meaning 'I'm crapping non-stop, where's the toilet?'
Okay, screw me but it was the only idea I could think of to distract the negative attention from Lin. I knew I had to stick to my clever ruse of being a dumb Spanish grandma who didn't understand English. But I had to keep the negative attention away from Lin. Unfortunately, what I said wasn't exactly relevant. Shoot, it was the only Spanish sentence I knew. I used it before to escape a late coming slip from the Spanish teacher.
Sneering Jerk raised an eyebrow dangerously and looked down. Following his gaze, I felt my stomach contracted.
Uh-oh. Was a cripple looking grandmother supposed to be standing firmly and shouting at the top of her lungs?
"Lady, you're hot and everything but my legs are going to fall off anytime from all the dancing. Let me slack for 5 minutes and I'll dance the next song with you," I panted, running a hand through my moist blond hair.
Squeezing through the crowd, I wondered dully where Lin had gone. I felt weary, as though I had just gone under a vicious wave in my former city California. The Charlie Posh had countless of fans. Apparently, he was a pretty awesome sportsman.
But I had no idea what he played.
So I had spent the whole time with the babes who weren't exactly interested in score games. Instead, they were determined to surgically stick themselves to me on the dance floor as though their life depended on it. That would be heaven to most jocks in school but I wasn't like that. Unfortunately for me, the only girl I would definitely like to plaster her to me was missing in action.
"I don't want to dance with you, you stuck-up jerk with an inflated head!" snapped the lady.
Drawing herself to her fullest height, she continued with her face set with a disgusted look, "I thought I'd like to inform you that the girl that you came with tonight is in trouble."
I followed her gaze.
At the center of the room, three dudes who looked pretty steamed up were surrounding Lin. Something shifted in my stomach. Lin looked pretty drunk.
"You said you were half virgin when you came to me! Now, what special trick is this?" the deeply tanned one demanded of Lin.
Cocking her head to one side, she loosened her tense fist and twirled the beer bottle in her hand. At the corner of my eye, I saw Toby being apprehended by a group of mysterious-looking people with a vaguely different skin. My throat went dry. We were running out of time.
Quietly, I made my way through the crowd to get to Lin.
"Oh, there's three of you and one of me. That's special! The only thing's missing is a cancer stick. Anyone of you charms got one?" slurred Lin. I grabbed her hand, away from the three. Looking at her urgently, I said slowly, "We need to go."
Throwing her head back, she laughed. It was as though something had broken loose in this little body, "Mhmm, you feel nice. Do I know you? Or are you one of Ice's new boys?" it pained me to see her like this.
Someone knocked his chair down. I looked up. It was a dude with a weird sneer. Beside him, Toby had his hands in front of him. They were covered with a hard rock covering.
"We have intruders tonight." His voice boomed. Snapping his fingers, two purple-uniformed guys appeared in front of him.
And at the same time, I felt my whole body scorching with flames.
Writhing, I blinked. The pain was gone. So was my disguise. To my dismay I was still in the tux, my most hated clothing Man had ever invented. Catching a glimpse at Lin, I felt my heat thump. The 'DNA strand' strangely looked pretty fine on her.
My hands were also covered with the hard covering, like my dudes in crime. It seemed like in this town, it was NYPD Purple. And there were not handcuffs. It was like unglamorous hand shells. Slightly amused, I wondered how would Akon and all the other rappers describe jail in this environment.
The policemen chucked us out of the place and into a strange jet-like vehicle. Jeers echoed behind us. As I adjusted myself slightly in the middle of the crammed backseat, Toby leaned towards me looking strained in his tiny grandmother's clothes, "Shoot, don't ever will you let Lin reach for a cell, you dig?"
Squinting at him in confusion, I half-shrugged in agreement.
The ride nauseatingly sucks. The vehicle was half flying and half running on the road. Toby had dangerously turned to a shade of living algae. Sneaking a glance at Lin, she looked like she was about to pass out while mumbling something about weed. I thought it was the perfect time for me to ease the atmosphere as Mr. Nice Guy.
The policemen looked unnaturally immune to their own poor driving. Clearing my throat, I said good-naturedly, "Do you mind turning on the siren, sir?"
The driver sharply dropped the vehicle several feet below in shock while Toby and the other policemen seemed to be sharing a moment of common thought that I had completely replaced my brain with bird poop.
"Yeah, I've seen this scene in Cops. We criminals should be fighting back!" enthused Lin, stirring from a drowsy spell.
"Yeah, and you weirdoes are going to jail where hell is just a sauna," shot the driver with fierce sarcasm, not tearing his eyes away from the road.
The atmosphere in the vehicle seemed to drop several degrees, literally. Cautiously, I glanced beside me. Lin looked like a premenstrual volcano had erupted. The covering on her hands had exploded.
"Jail?" her voice cracked. I could feel Toby turn rock rigid beside me.
Then, she roared, "What's with the screwed system of you, Taurus? I'm only due there on June 7!" there was an odd gurgling noise from coming from Toby.
I felt my heart hit my Nikes. Was it true? Or was she just drunk? Turning her blazing eyes to me, she hissed, "Hand over your cell."
I almost heard alarm bells ringing from Toby who was gasping no. But too late, Lin was too quick and her fingers were off my pocket, dialing numbers on my cell.
"May I speak to Sergeant Too-Polished-Broccoli?" Lin's irritated voice cracked like a whip. With his face buried in his hands, Toby let out a low moan. I was too distracted by what Lin was saying to register anything else.
"You never get my trial and arrest dates right do you, Sergeant Cliff-I'm-a-stinking-broccoli! I'm going to-" Toby aggressively flew across me and towards Lin, clumsily knocking the cell out of Lin's hand.
He also kicked the two policemen out of the vehicle while he was at it.
Not caring about the blows he was receiving from Lin, he looked out of the window and muttered, "Bloody chicken."
Harsh realization swarmed in the pit of my stomach as I caught sight of vast garden plain below. No one had any idea how to control the vehicle and the ride was getting relatively bumpier and out of control, "We jump."
"Oh, you mean fall and break a couple of bones and end up being free meat to the maggots living below? Shoot, why didn't I think of that?" said Toby with mounting amount of sarcasm mingled with fear.
Shrugging, I turned to Lin, "Hold me."
"What?!" demanded Toby incredulously, "Fine, go ahead and shag in front of me. My life is supposed to flash in front of me before I die but no! I'm the loser freak who is instead forced to have the vision of a slick jock snogging my best friend right in front of my naked eyes before I breathe my last freaking breath."
Looking at him curiously, I simply said, "I'm just letting her hold me so that we'll fall together."
"I don't want to lose her even though I know she hates my guts," I added quietly above the wind.
"What did I do to deserve you?" her voice was softer and quieter than mine that it could easily be mistaken as only the whisper of the wind. She looked quite sober and her deep blue eyes were set intently on me. For once, there was no anger but only raw curiosity and tenderness.
Just then, the engine gave a loud scream that echoed with Toby's and we were thrown out of the vehicle.
I let out a gasp. Astonishingly, we landed softly on the grass plains. The sun had just risen. The ice bubble Lin had conjured around us filtered in some sunlight. I touched her hand. She swatted it away like a fly.
"Why are you always so mad towards me?" I replied instead as emotions ran into my veins.
"Because a guy like you won't care for a girl like me."
Oh. I hate being a jock.
Tilting her head, she whispered, "You know, I saw you playing basketball the other day. You were pretty good." Toby rolled his eyes so hard I thought they were going to pop out and bowl around the flowers.
Okay, maybe being a jock had its perks.
Then, Lin's head dropped and she puked on my Nikes.
She passed out.
I looked down, amused. Smiling wryly, I grabbed a garden hose nearby and washed.