A/N: Hehehe! I love Arrdyl and his sense of humor...Please read and review. :)

New Super-Villain Terrorizes Town

Yesterday, June 15th of 2006, a new super-villain was spotted by Gerald Cliffe, long-time resident of Riverbrooke Woods. As quoted by Cliffe: "He was huge, with razor sharp teeth and blue scales! I heard him call himself Blue Viper…" No other witnesses have been found. Please call our information hotline with information if you or someone you know spots…

Augh, I can't read any more. Please. This is the one of the most insulting articles about me. First of all, I am not a super-villain. I am neither super, nor am I a villain. Imbeciles. And Cliffe didn't see much. He was dehydrated and I had pounded him on the head several times. Not a very reliable witness. Oh, as to his testimony: I am not huge, but I did have teeth and scales. And Blue Viper? Please, I could come up with something better than that in my sleep. Even if I did, I wouldn't go parading around declaring my newfound name. I turn the page to another article featuring me.

Werewolf Spotted in Renwa, Virginia

Multiple witnesses claim that they saw a vicious werewolf running around near their homes in Renwa. Police were called, but no one and nothing was in sight when they arrived. Descriptions all point to an individual with red eyes, pointy ears and fur all along his body, with a blood-red tail. Keep an eye out for anyone or anything like that, and if you do see something, call the police and stay inside. More on pages 2 and 3A.

What is wrong with these people!?! This article actually made the front page, since Renwa was a town and the paper was one of those local-yokel types of deals. I point out that they didn't number or name the witnesses, which are two and named Emil and Marilyn. Even I know more than this article. Marilyn called the police, ridiculous girl. I want to scream this, so listen: I am not a werewolf. I may have looked like a wolf, but that doesn't make me a werewolf. Honestly, some people just don't think very hard. My eyes are not red, but the rest is true. I really have good reason to believe that the blows I gave the witnesses did addle their brains; or maybe they started that way. And I will not return to Renwa anytime soon; not after that horrible episode, anyways. I shudder and turn to the next article.

Aliens in Baine; Hidden in Topiary Mazes

Ten observers claim that they saw an alien in the Red Roses Topiary Mazes. One of them says that they also saw the getaway vehicle, covered in lights and with loud sounds coming from it. More figures were inside, also thought to be aliens. Two of the witnesses are hospitalized with injuries to both their ribs and legs. They claim to have been stalked and attacked by the so-called rogue alien. All witnesses agree that the alien had bulbous eyes and was about the size of a man in his prime. A couple described it as an overlarge praying mantis. More investigations are being held.

Oh, this is my personal favorite. I'm an alien! Take me to your leader so that I may eat him and then atomize his followers. Hah! I do feel bad that I let ten people see me, though. The shame! The getaway vehicle was Ozzie's. I got a laugh out of that. He likes to have gaudy lights and listens to music so loud I think he should be deaf by now. I did not stalk the two injured people; they were stalking me. They might not remember that, though. Why do they call me a rogue alien? Wouldn't any alien be a rogue alien in their minds? I love the bulbous eyes part, and yes, I do think I am a fairly attractive insect; albeit a large one. I close the book of articles and set it aside.