entry one three cheers for seeking self help

Dear Journal,

I think I need to start keeping one of these things. I need to "open up to someone, and express my inner feelings." Or so says Dr. Sanders, my guidance counselor. She says I need to expand my inner person. I guess I can start with writing down the basics. My name is Jessica Dean. I am fifteen and a half. I'm a Sophomore in Granby High School and I am an only child in the Dean household. My mother is a very convincing person. She can play tough when she wants to. I get along with her when I have to because I know how to manipulate people. My father passed away when I was ten years old. I'm still getting over it. When he was still around I was a pretty positive person. I had a good life. When he died, so did a part of me and I've had some real self issues since then. He was my best friend, and no one can ever fill his place, but I have been trying so hard to fill the void. A few years ago I met a boy. His name is John Sheins . He is my best friend, and I am in love with him.

Jessica Dean

entry two are you afraid now?

Dear Journal,

I have realized that my entire life is out of fear. The other night I went to a party out of fear of being alone. I drank out of fear of not being cool, even though I hate alcohol. I hid it from my mother out of fear of getting in trouble. And I still showed up at work this morning, out of fear of being fired. And I still hate alcohol. That day I came home from work, and denied my feelings to a boy I love out of fear of ruining a friendship. After that I cried in my room because I'm afraid, and then hid it from everyone out of fear of being realized. I don't think I fit in anywhere because I'm afraid of being noticed, but I loose control of who I am because I'm too afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of commitment so I stay out of relationships, and I'm too afraid to get close to someone, so I don't meet new people. I'm afraid of what people think of me so I try to blend in even though I hate the way everyone else looks. I'm afraid of cheerleaders, and their peppy happy ways, so I avoid them at all costs, and I'm too afraid of who I really am, so I deny it everyday. Today I avoided my best friend out of fear of telling him the truth. Instead of just admitting my feelings I had to run and hide like a small child. I'm afraid to answer the phone because I'm afraid he's gonna call. I'm afraid to just tell him I love him because I don't know what he'll say. I'm not a risk taker because I'm afraid it's much too risky. Maybe I'm not just a coward, maybe I'm a big baby. I'm afraid to be alone with a boy because I'm afraid he's gonna rape me. My mother always told me "You know, Jess, men are so sticky. Stay away from 'em. They only use one thing to think with, and it aint their brain. I never want you to come home and tell me that you're pregnant." I'm not afraid of men themselves, I'm just afraid of my mother, but I guess something she said set in because I'm too afraid to even talk to one. I think I want to stand up to this fear issue, I think it might be good for me. I think I'm gonna start with John. I think he should know the truth; why I've been avoiding him, and the reason I still keep that old picture of him in my wallet. Maybe he'll understand. Maybe he'll tell me that he knew it all along. Maybe he will tell me that I have been acting childish. And maybe he won't say anything at all. I'm still afraid to find out. Time will tell.

Jessica Dean

entry three why?

Dear Journal,

I spoke with John. Very briefly, andit didn't exactly go as planned. What happened is he called me, like I knew he would, and I decided to answer the phone. He asked me if I was feeling alright, and I had half a mind to tell him no, but instead I lied and told him I was. I didn't want him to know anything was up. I was planning on talking to him about it... well, when I got around to it. He started saying something about how he was worried about me, andI really didn't catch the rest of it. I wasn't listening to the words, just the voice behind it. It was rather smoother than usual, and notso deep that Icould drown in it. This is how I existed for just a second. Or maybe it was longer, but I came back from wherever I was and he was just starting to say something about coming over to see me. I told him he could come over that night, and then we hung up. I seem to have forgotten becauseI dozed off. When he got to my house my mother must have let him into my room. Then she went across the hallway and sat down in her room. John made the mistake of leaving the door open. I guess my mother didn't realize I was asleep, because she left him in there alone. He tried to wake me up, I rolled over and saw him. I don't know why it happened, I must have assumed it was a dream. But I said "I love you." And then I saw the look on his face, and felt his hand on my shoulder. It was a sort of confused face. A kind of, pensive "what just happened?" face. I sat up straight and saw the door open. "Go close the door and come take a seat." I told him. When he came back, he still had that face on.He mumbled something to me while shaking his head, but it seemedto be more to himself. Then he liftedhis head to me, and sort of whispered nervously,"What did you just say?" I hesitated. I had no clue what I would say, but so far this wasn't exactly the reaction I had hoped for. I told him that I didn't want to tell him this way, but it sort of slipped out, andthat I didn't know what else to say. And this is all he said. "Well, I don't know either Jessy. Uh. Why don't I call you tomorrow?" And then he left. without another word. From either of us.

Jessica Dean

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