Alright, people, line up and pipe down. I said quiet! Hey, you two in the back! Yeah, you two! Stoppit! Hey, is everybody paying attention? Oh for pity's sake...
I SAID SHUT UP!
Ahem. Okay, now that I have you attention, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Kally, I usually work for the Department of Second Chances, but today I'll be your guide to the Afterlife Administration Offices.
We are currently in the lobby. Anybody that needs to go to the bathroom, they're right down the hall. Can't miss 'em, they're marked male, female and androginous.
Now. This imposing door before you would be the entryway to the Big Ones' Lounge. They like their privacy, so we won't be going in there. Walking right along...
Here is the coffee demon's shop. What is a coffee demon, you ask? A demon that makes coffee. Gross and overpriced coffee. In fact, his coffee is so bad that-- oh, hey Charlie, we were just talking about you and your delicious coffee. Yeeeeesss...
Moving right along, we are entering the Afterlife Administration Offices.
Yes, ma'am, you have a question?
...The goats? Oh... Well, the Office of Sacrifices doesn't have enough room, so they're allowed to... roam around. They're actually quite harmless, as long as you don't bring insults to their honor.
Hey, you two in the back, stop horsing around! Yes, I can see you, stop right now!
Anyway, here are different departments of the AA Offices... "Office of Aquatic Accidents"... "Office of Spontaneous Combustion"... Over there we have "Office of Newly Departed", where everybody goes eventually.
Including those two idiots in the back.... What are you doing to that goat?! Let it GO, now. I'm serious, now, before the others decide to stam--
Stampede, every entity for itself!
Welcome back to the Afterlife Administration office tour. In case some of you suffered concussions and memory loss on your last visit, I'll remind you that we had to cut our tour short because some idiots decided it'd fun to mess with the goats. The gentleman in the wheelchair will comfirm that it was far from fun. Clear enough?
...Good. Now that you're adequately terrified, let us continue.
Over there is the cafeteria. Oh, hello, Mrr'dagh, how'd you like the two idiots I sent you?
...Stringy, you say? Well, I didn't taste them before sending. Sorry.
Now, to those whose religions include this option, you may one day have to pass through the Office of Reincarnations. Here you'll meet Caesar. Please, for the sake of us all, keep your files in order, alphabetically by lifetime! This man can whine worse than a Catholic schoolgirl in a bout of self-righteousness!
...Yes, I am well aware you're Catholic.
...No, I did not mean to blasphemise against your holy diety.
Alright, we're cutting this tour short. Was hoping I wouldn't start insulting people's beliefs 'till at least halfway through.
Remember, folks, stick around just in case you never wake up from your coma! And don't stare at the neon light fixtures, or you'll be seeing a bright white light for days...
And remember our motto: "Afterlife Administration: The dead end of all dead ends!"