A/N: I'm not even sure if this is allowed on here XD; It's not all dialogue-based (just most of it) so I get by on default? ::grins:: Anyway, this is a humorous little fic I thought up one night whilst suffering under horrible writer's block. So...enjoy? :D;

Izumi 101

by Rabuyuu

"Murakami, you just failed again. This is just too impossible to even comprehend. I can understand failing once, or even twice, but five times?"

He could yell all he wanted but there was no way in hell I was going to tell him why. Also, he looked cute when he was angry.

"I just...I'm this close to giving up on your Murakami." He indicated with his fingers just how close and I was amazed to see that the space between his forefinger and thumb had gotten smaller since the last time he'd said the same speech. Damn, must be getting close to boiling point...

"It's like...you don't even care! Do you care Murakami?" Shit, better say something...

"Ah, of course Kagoshima-senpai..."

"Don't call me that you idiot!" He stopped, seeming to pause and take a deep breath before continuing. "Now, I am going to go home, with my squishy ball, and relax with a cup of tea. You are going to study. Have I made myself clear?"

I nodded obediently like the good little student I was. He gave a sigh of exasperation and left, rolling his eyes at me only to return moments later, kissing the life out of me before walking away again, leaving the rather boneless me behind as a puddle on the bed.

Now, I suppose you're all a little confused at this, right? Well, let me explain it all for you. First of all you have me, Murakami Koji, the same Murakami that Kagoshima was yelling about earlier. Then you have Kagoshima Izumi, and a whole lot of nice, steamy hot Sex that all evolved from one very well thought out plan.

What's the Well Thought Out Plan you ask? Well,it involves Eguichi Ayaka, Kagoshima's friend, tutoring lessons, and a whole lot of sexual tension.

Let me introduce you to Izumi 101...

Lesson 1: First of all, fail Algebra.

So, as I was already a failure in algebra I simply went to my father and had the following conversation with him;

"Dad, I failed Algebra. Again. But this time I feel so bad about it that I want help next time!"

"...Have you been drinking again?"

"No! I honestly, seriously, want to pass this time!"

"You've failed Algebra sixteen times now, why do you want to change it now? You're just about to break the record."

"Dad! I want to pass next time! I want to...hire a tutor."

"What? Waste my money just so you can fail again?"

"But I won't Dad! I'll seriously try my best this time!"

"Oh? So you weren't before?"

"Of course I was! I'll just do better at the whole 'trying my best' thing this time."

"Huh. Fine."

Success! Only...now that I think of it this is kind of insulting...

Lesson 2: Talk to teacher about tutor-programme

Before I start I would like to point out my teacher is a stubborn, stuck-up old mule that hates my guts. So of course it would be hard to convince her to take part. Of course, I am master of the sly tongue...or not.

"Mr Murakami, I don't understand why you want a tutor this late in the year..."

"Because I don't want to fail."

"You've already failed...twenty-seven times."

"EH?! I thought it was only sixteen..."

"I stopped counting after twenty, I'm assuming that you're up to twenty-seven by now."

"Oh...but...this time I want to pass."

"Why the sudden motivation?"

"Because there's a really se-serious and intelligent person that I'd like to scre-study under."

"Right...and who might this person be?"

"The se-sincere Kagoshima-senpai. I think he could really help me with my..."




"But I..."

"Why would a genius want to work with an idiot like you? No."


Failure. Damned idiot teachers.

Lesson 3: Allow the brilliant, fantastic Ayaka-chan to take centre stage! (...Her words, not mine)

Ayaka-chan is Izumi's friend so of course she'd be able to convince him so I simply took a step back and allowed her to work her magic. It worked perfectly.

"Izumi! There's a really cute boy who's having trouble in Algebra. Why don't you help him?"


"Oh yes! He's got these really big brown eyes and floppy black hair. You'll like him! He's so sweet and kind and..."

"It's Murakami isn't it?"

"Well...yes but..."


"Izumi! You haven't even listened to what I was going to say yet!"

"I don't care. No."

"This would really help him out!"

"And that would make me help him, why?"

"Because it's a nice thing to do! Helping out your fellow students out..."

"Murakami is not a 'fellow student', he is a thorn in the side of the Student Council, of which, you might remember, I am the President of..."

"He's not that bad! Everyone makes him out to be..."

"A perverted idiot with a libido the size of Hokkaido?"

"Well...maybe but he's really..."

"An extremely perverted brainless idiot with a libido the size of the whole of Japan?"

"Izumi! You're not being fair!"

"This is not winning me over Ayaka."

"I'll...I'll tell everyone about that."

"...You wouldn't..."

"Oh yes I would!"

"That's just..."

"Evil? Yes. Effective? Definitely. Get going Izumi!"

Success! Praise be to Ayaka, although...she could have done it in a much more-Murakami-friendly way...

Lesson 4: Show up for your first lesson in ULTRA-short shorts

First I had to go shopping and returned in bright-red, leather shorts that were hell to get on but, when they were finally on, they were snug. Like…ridiculously snug. They didn't leave anything to the imagination at all. This should have had Kagoshima-senpai nose bleeding and drooling everywhere. Of course, being Kagoshima-senpai it went more like this...

"...What the hell are you wearing?"


"You should sue."


"Because you were obviously played for a fool."


"Because that is obviously a belt. Not a pair of shorts."

Failure. I blame this entirely on the naïveté of one Kagoshima Izumi. Damn.

Lesson 5: Show up for second lesson wearing a crop top

Ayaka-san thought a top would go over better than shorts because I 'have the most adorable belly-button!' Again, her words; not mine. So, I went out, bought a short crop-top with a rainbow (note the rainbow) on it and then went to my second lesson. Of course, this didn't really go as planned either. And I was spending money on clothes I would never again wear in my life.

"...I believe that in future you should let someone else shop for you Murakami."

"But…but...this is the fashion now!"

"Oh...then I fear for today's population."

"You...you're just trying to make this hard!"

"Hm? Make what hard?"

"Me. Ah, wait, no, this!!"

"Algebra? No, I believe that is simply your futile brain. Shall we begin?"

Failure. Again. Damn, damn, double damn!

Lesson 6: In third lesson flirt outrageously with Kagoshima

The internet is a wonderful place to pick up wonderful pick-up lines. I don't know if it was the way I delivered them or because Kagoshima-senpai is so innocent that he couldn't tell my intentions but they didn't actually go over that well. You see...

"So, d'youcome here often?"

"Yes. I came here just yesterday in fact when I was attempting to fill your cotton brain with knowledge."

"...Oh. Er...do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?"

"...I do not wear dresses Murakami. Please get your mind out of the gutter."

"Oh God, sorry! I didn't mean that you...er...you know...crossdressed or anything, it's just that..."



"Shut up and pay attention."


"Now, question four is incorrect, do it again."

"I'd rather do you."

"What was that?"

"Oh! Ah...nothing but...ah...I think something's wrong with my eye."

"Yes, you do seem to be twitching quite disturbingly, what's wrong with them?"

"I...can't take them off you?"



"Murakami if you are not going to take this seriously I can always leave."

"No! No I'll take it seriously. Sorry."

"Fine. Apology accepted. Now, you see here, it needs to be..."


"Now, this is..."



"Do you have a map?"

"What the hell has a map got to do with algebra?"

"Nothing, it's just I'm...ah...I'mlostinyoureyes."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Let us move on."


"Good, now, this here needs to be..."

Failure. FAILURE! At this rate I was doomed to remain celibate for the rest of my life!

Lesson 7: Cook for Kagoshima

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach right? Well...this is where the cooking came in. Of course, I'd failed Home Economics but...it couldn't be that hard right?

"Dinner is on me this time Kagoshima-senpai."

"Oh? Well, thank you Murakami."

"It's nothing! Here you go."

"...What the hell is this?"

"Ah...rice balls?"

"Why is the rice black?"

"...I burnt them."

"...How can you burn rice?"

"Well, I put them in the pot and they just started...popping."


"Yeah. And then I knocked over the pot and some of them melted."


"Yeah. See? The ones on the outside are all stuck together."

"I thought that was some kind of sauce."


"Murakami, as much as I would like to be poisoned I believe the best thing to do would be to share my lunch with you. I can't just let your pitiful excuse for a body starve after all."


At this point I was beginning to get rather...desperate. Kagoshima was, after all, evading all my attemptsat seduction. I was just about to hand in the towel when it happened...

Lesson 8: Let the coin roll...



"Please stop chewing on your pen."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Thank you."


- Ten minutes later -

"You're doing it again."

"Eh? Doing what?"

"Chewing your pen."

"Oh. Didn't realise."

"Yes, well, stop it."



"Why should I stop chewing it?"


"Because what?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yeah, otherwise why would I ask you?"

"It makes me want to put other things in your mouth."



"...Like a pencil, what do you think?"

"Oh. Sorry."

"Is there any way to get you to stop saying that?"

"Well...there is one way…"

Sneaky of me, huh?

And that, ladies and gents, is how to seduce one Kagoshima Izumi...chew on a pencil. Er...yeah.