Me and a Knife

I hold the blade to my brow,

tapping it in thought and thinking of the irony of it all.

How did it come to pass,

that we should meet here now?

Between yesterday and tomorrow,

the hours we met so many times before.

You think Im crazy,

you whisper it over and over again.

Your hands are tucked under your chin,

they had been since you saw me.

You said you didnt know who I was,

because I was a child when you saw me last.

Truth be told, this is progress.

Last week I didnt know who I was anymore.

People kept talking about me as though I was already dead.

I had the blade turned towards myself.

I was feverishly looking for some sign of life.

I was looking for some hint of humanity.

Because that night it was me and a knife,

I was trying to save me from myself,

because no one was able to get through.

Now I look in the palm of my hand,

and see I have the control now.

"So what shall we do tonight?"

The other day I came across a picture of me,

the way I was once upon a time.

I was smiling and holding a bunch of flowers.

No one would recognize her anymore,

I know her as a stranger on the street.

I know her as the screaming in my head.

You should have been sent to prison for murder,

it was the life of a child you took.

She died that night, surrounded by moving boxes,

her face was pressed into a sofa cushion,

just to smell what happiness was,

just to imagine she was not being eaten from the inside out.

She never even knew she was falling into the pit of despair,

until she looked outside her world and saw,

her life was being lived without her in it.

People called to her and she would stand on her tip toes.

"Im here! Here I am! I can hear you!"

But no one heard her.

You ask if I plan to kill you and I reply with bitter laughter.

Oh how many times I wanted to die!

But I still continue to wake each morning.

If I cannot escape this life neither should you.

But I plan for you to know what you did.

Surely the life you made will kill you soon enough.

I sat in the courtroom and listened to you.

You told the judge your life was ruined.

As an afterthought I got an apology.

No one could tell me it was not my fault.

Not when you said "we" were wrong.

Not when I did not even try to fight.

God did not make a hell, so I made my own.

Everyday, staring in the mirror screaming at my reflection,

listening to people ask why I did nothing about it.

Telling myself they were right, of coarse.

I locked myself away like a leper.

And I threw away the key.

Sometimes I heard the girl I used to be crying,

so I asked her to forgive me,

never knowing quite what for.

I suppose I should have never been a child,

I should have always been a strong person.

I should not have had a moment of innocence.

She never told me it was my fault.

She whispered that I had no fight left.

She told me I saw myself as not worth fighting for.

You found a tattered heart lying in the dirt,

and you ground it under your heel,

just so you could feel a little stronger.

Did it feel like a victory to you?

Did you feel proud of what you had done?

Did you scheme of how to do it again?

Once you told me you liked to watch me sleep.

Did you catch my dreams in your palm,

just so you could crush them all?

I feel stronger now than ever,

I am next to your face screaming at the top of my lungs.

She cant lie! She is too young!

Children do not make up these stories!

There was no we! There was no us!

Only you - only you and your hate!

Your crying, saying youre sorry.

I stand back and stare.

You are the saddest sight I have ever seen.

Long ago I sentenced myself to a slow death,

all because I could not say I forgive you.

I picked myself apart piece by piece.

How would that child use this moment?

To smile, to give you a bunch of flowers.

She would try to trust you again.

Because she is innocent,

because she is a child.

I turn to walk away but look back at you.

"You said I ruined your life,

I would wish all the pain in the world on you,

but you already brought it on yourself.

It has taken me all this time to see,

you are not the one I need to forgive,

I need to forgive myself."