Village Gossip – Marjorie Walsh.

Doctor – Dr Richard Byrne.

Farmer – Farmer Giles.

Barkeep – Nick Johnson.

Barmaid – Samantha Johnson.

Goth – Amaya Akimoto.


DOCTOR: Same again, Barkeep.

BARKEEP: Haven't you had enough (Disapproving Tone)?

DOCTOR: What'd you care? Anyways, I pay half your wages! (Aggressively with Speech slurred)


BARKEEP: If you insist.


BARKEEP (To Barmaid): Would you look at them, and we've only been open half an hour.

GOSSIP: I'm sorry; I couldn't help but overhear but-…

(Amayo Akimoto enters…moody.)

BARMAID: What's wrong with her?

GOSSIP: Oh, forget about her, why do you care anyway?

BARMAID: I don't.

GOSSIP: GOOD…moving on to more pressing issues. Did you hear about the Doctor? According

to my sources he was seen collapsed on his front lawn.

(Doctor with a drunken cry from the over side of the room.)

GOSSIP: Look at that, he's always drunk. I'm surprised anyone even wants him to be their doctor…I certainly don't.

(Barkeep and Barmaid cast worried looks at each other.)

(Amayo Akimoto approaches the bar.)

AMAYO: Double of your strongest.

BARKEEP: Just a minute.

GOSSIP (To Barmaid): As if she could afford that, why is she here anyway it's just pathetic. We don't want her kind her here.

AMAYO: You know I can hear you. You're looking at me when you say it.

GOSSIP: We weren't saying anything about you. (Turns back to Barmaid and Barkeep.) So anyway I hear that Amayo moved here when her family killed themselves. Honestly, I wouldn't blame them. Heh, I would kill myself if she were in my family. It's bad enough she lives in the same village as me.

AMAYO: That's it I've had enough. You're always gossiping about me, what gives you the right to reveal stuff about my personal life when it has nothing to do with you?

GOSSIP (In horror): Are you saying I gossip?

AMAYO: Yes I am.

GOSSIP: How insulting anyway it's clearly a lie, I know everyone here agrees with me.

(Everyone turns away from Gossip, some whistle.)

GOSSIP: That doesn't prove anything; these are all slack jawed idiots. (Turns to Barmaid.) I mean that in the nicest possible way.

BARMAID: Yeah, thanks for that.

GOSSIP: Well if I am such a Gossip, give me one example.

AMAYO: What about the farmer. (Indicates to Farmer.) He's done nothing wrong, and you're always saying how he's slow and never does anything… Just stay away from me.

GOSSIP: Gladly.

(Amayo storms out – exit.)

(Everyone falls silent.)


(All characters exit.)


Village Gossip – Marjorie Walsh

Doctor – Dr Richard Byrne

Nurse – Irish Nurse

Vicar – Vicar Peters

Teacher – Kathryn Willows

Banker – Lionel Banks


(Gossip and Teacher enter.)

GOSSIP (To Teacher): Piece of advice, don't stand behind that doctor in communion; otherwise there will be no wine left.

TEACHER: Err…thanks. I'll watch out for that.

GOSSIP: You know how bad it is, he's the first and last in the queue and…somewhere in the middle as well. Actually, do you know he came to me about a drinking problem?

TEACHER: You're kidding!

GOSSIP: Well…he was out of Gin.

(Doctor enters barging through, knocking Kathryn out the way.)

DOCTOR: Move out the way bubble butt. (In an aggressive tone.)

GOSSIP: Ignore him dear, he's a horrible person. Anyway, he probably didn't mean it anyway. (Laughs) Bubble Butt.

TEACHER: Yes he did. He knows how hard I've tried to lose weight. I've went on all the diets. The Atkins diet…Low Carbs diet…The crispy cream diet.

GOSSIP: Don't worry dear anyway, it's like it says in the Bible the best way to make you feel good is to make someone else feel bad.

TEACHER: What'd you mean? (curiously)

(Doctor stumbles around, talking to a wall.)

DOCTOR: Well hello there, haven't seen you around here before. Could I buy you a drink? (Hiccups)

(Everyone stares in horror.)

(Vicar enters)

VICAR (To Gossip): Oh, by the way I've e-mailed you what I found out in yesterdays confessions.

GOSSIP: GOOD…nothing really happened yesterday, I was really disappointed.

VICAR: Oh, what's wrong with the good doctor? (Staring at the doctor.)

GOSSIP: Oh, don't you know…

VICAR: Know what?

GOSSIP: Well…I may need something to help remind me.

VICAR: Fine, Sister Maria was caught taking money out of the collection tray.

GOSSIP: Ah, now I remember. I have reasons to believe for many years that the doctor has been an alcoholic.

VICAR: (Beat) Everyone knows that.

GOSSIP: Yes, but…

(Doctor continues to stagger around and sing, Nurse enters and stares at the Doctor.)

NURSE: Would you look at that, it's just like last week, come on Richard.

DOCTOR: No, leave me alone. I'm fine and don't even accuse me of being drunk. I'm just a little dru-.. I mean light-headed.

NURSE: I'm sorry he can't help it you know.

BANKER: It's all right, we all have our weaknesses.

GOSSIP: Like losing £500 on the racetrack for instance. (Laughs)

BANKER: Did you say something?

GOSSIP: No, I don't think so.

BANKER: Look…I think we should try an intervention to help him clean up his act and get his life back on track.

GOSSIP: What an excellent idea, it will make a brilliant topic for discussion.

(Everyone stares at the Gossip.)

GOSSIP: What? (Obliviously.)

(all characters exit)


Village Gossip – Marjorie Walsh / Father – Lionel Banks

Doctor – Dr Richard Byrne

Nurse – Irish Nurse / Mother – Margaret Banks

Vicar – Vicar Peters / Son – Joshua Banks / Robert Walker

Teacher – Kathryn Willows / Daughter – Melina Banks

Narrator / Helena Barnes


(Enter Doctor – sits down in his surgery with a heavy hangover.)

(Knock on the door.)

DOCTOR: Come in. (moans.)

(Nurse, Vicar, Gossip and Teacher enter.)

DOCTOR: What are you doing here?

VICAR: You know why we are here; we've come to help.

NURSE: It's obvious you have a drinking problem and it needs to stop. You're going to harm yourself or worse someone else. We just want to help!

DOCTOR: I don't need any help.

GOSSIP: Please, you've been drunk since…forever. (Laughing.)

DOCTOR: That's ridiculous, name one time I've been drunk…

(All characters exit.) (Narrator enters.)

NARRATOR: It was a brisk October night, the doctor was finishing up in his surgery. And had just treated, which is a term I use loosely in this case his final patient of the night.

(Exit Narrator.)

(Enter Doctor.)

DOCTOR: Remember to keep those leeches on your tongue until they dissolve. And no chewing…I'll be checking.

(Doctor walks…singing – ten green bottles in slurred speech.)

(Doctor trips and falls.)

DOCTOR: My arm, my arm…ooh a snail.

(Gossip enters and stares at the spectacle of the Doctor.)

GOSSIP: Oh my what a sight. I wonder what must have happened here. I do believe this is worth of some gossip. I know, I better tell Margaret; she loves snails.

(Exit Gossip…scurrying.)

DOCTOR: 6 green bottles…err…standing on the…err…wall.

(Enter Nurse.)

NURSE: Oh Doctor, what happened, oh Lord look at your arm…it looks dislocated. I better get you to the doctor…oh…someone.

(Exit Nurse and Doctor – End of Flashback.)

DOCTOR: So that's why I had a sling on that day. That makes a lot more sense.

NURSE: It was for six months, Doctor.

DOCTOR: So it was, well one time doesn't make me an alcoholic.

GOSSIP: Maybe not…but this will.

(Characters freeze.)

(Narrator enters.)

NARRATOR: As the Banks family sit down to their usual Sunday lunch when they suffer a rather rude interruption. The stars are bright, the lunch sumptuous, and the window receives a strange visitor.

(Narrator exits.)


ALL: Amen.

FATHER: You were glad you weren't in the Waterman's arms earlier, darling. The doctor made quite the spectacle.

MOTHER: Oh not again, how terrible. What happened? (Pulling out a notepad, flicking through page after page until reaching near the back.)

FATHER: It all started when he decided to pick a fight with his reflection.

MOTHER (Writing): Right, right then what?

DAUGHTER: Daddy who's that strange man banging at the window.

FATHER: Don't be silly, oh good lord…

(Doctor singing Teddy's have the picnic.)

SON: Isn't that the doctor?

MOTHER: Don't look at him…just carry on with your meal.

(Doctor enters smashing through window.)

DOCTOR: Ooh…turkey. (Grabs turkey leg off table and falls pulling tablecloth bringing down all the food.)

DOCTOR: Ooh…. a snail.)

(Daughter starts crying)

MOTHER: This is too easy; Marjorie's going to be ecstatic.


MOTHER: What…your never home and I've got to keep myself amused.

FATHER: We'll talk about this later.

MOTHER: Fine (sarcastically)

(Exit family and Doctor – End of Flashback.)

DOCTOR: OK, so twice. I was probably just having a bad day.

GOSSIP: A years worth of bad days.

VICAR: Well, do you remember that little incident in the restaurant?

DOCTOR: Oh God, did that actually happen?

(All characters exit.)

(Narrator enters.)

NARRATOR: The classiest restaurant in Fairhaven and the Teacher and the Gossip are celebrating as the teacher has got the chance to be promoted. Everything is going perfectly when the Teacher bumps into someone very influential in her career. I imagine everything will be fine…as long as the Doctor doesn't show up.

(Enter Helena, Robert, Gossip and the Teacher, Helena and Robert sit at one table and the Gossip and the Teacher at another.)

TEACHER: So, once again, I just want to say thank you. (Teacher and Gossip clink glasses.)

GOSSIP: Quit thanking me (beat) OK, so maybe once more.

TEACHER: No. No. Really…Really. I never would've gotten a meeting with Robert Walker if you hadn't made the call.

GOSSIP: Come on, Kathryn, you could have gotten it on your own. (Beat – laugh) You get it? (Sarcastically.) No way, you don't have the kind of dirt on him that I do.

TEACHER: Arr…drink your lunch. Oh my God. Look who it is!

GOSSIP: Honey, I don't look, I'm looked at. Who is it?

TEACHER (Whispering): It's Robert Walker; he's the one I've got the interview with. He—Look at him, look at him. No! No! Don't look! He'll see you looking. Ok! He's looking away. Go look, look, look, look.

GOSSIP: Oh lord, (Shouting to Robert) Hey, Bob... Put the caboose in motion! Somebody wants to meet you! Come on! (Snaps her fingers) Hey!

HELENA: Robert, someone's calling for you. (Indicating to Gossip.)

(Robert walks towards Gossip and Teacher.)

TEACHER (Standing up): Oh, my god. Hi, I am Kathryn Wills, and it is so—(Robert walks past Kathryn)

ROBERT: Marjorie darling, I was convinced that nasty smell was coming from the kitchen!

GOSSIP: No honey. I think you just caught a whiff of your own liver rotting. Listen, I want you to meet Kathryn Willows. Um, she thinks you're something really special, but then again, she's never seen you face down in a pool of your own sick.

ROBERT: Kathryn, enchanted to meet you.

TEACHER: Oh hi, I am so looking forward to seeing tomorrow.

ROBERT: Tomorrow?

TEACHER: Yes, I have an interview with you at 11:30. I am so nervous.

ROBERT: Oh, you are adorable. Thank you. Well, Marjorie as much as I would like to stay here and watch you suck in your stomach for the next twenty minutes I must dash…

GOSSIP: Oh…(Laughs.)

ROBERT: Kathryn… charmed. Marjorie appalled.

(Robert walks towards the exit.)

GOSSIP (To Robert): Bob, honey, love you like a cold sore! (To Teacher) Ah, he's sweet.

(Robert bumps into Doctor…who's extremely drunk.)

ROBERT: Excuse me.

TEACHER: No, he's bumped into the Doctor. He's going to ruin everything. I have to do something.

GOSSIP: Oh, honey I don't care.

(Teacher tries to intercept Robert and the Doctor.)

TEACHER: Erm…Robert can I have a word with you a minute please. (Edging Robert away from the Doctor.)

ROBERT: What about?

DOCTOR: Ahh…Kathryn. You haven't introduced me.

ROBERT: I'm Robert Walker.

DOCTOR: Oh yeah, the bimbo that Kathryn has got some stupid interview with. You know, Kathryn says that she didn't care if she got the job or not because you're a selfish, vindictive idiot who would sooner chew off his own arm than do a decent days work.

ROBERT (To Teacher): Kathryn please explain this.


DOCTOR: You see…(Hiccups.)

ROBERT: Miss Willows, You can forget about that interview tomorrow.

(Robert storms out – exits.)

(Doctor stumbles around and falls over.)

DOCTOR: Ooh…a snail.

(Exit Characters – End of Flashback.)

(Enter Vicar; Gossip, Nurse, Teacher and Doctor enter.)

NURSE: You see; your actions are starting to hurt others.

DOCTOR: I'm so sorry.