1:31am July 6, 2006
I can't breathe
I can't think
I hate myself
I hate everything
Why won't I die?
Why do I want to die?
I feel numb
My wrists hurt
My eyes are burning
My throat is clogged
I look normal
I look like there's nothing wrong with me
Don't worry; my eyes are black because I can't sleep
Don't worry I'm eating enough, how would you even be able to tell otherwise?
I'm too fat for you to see a difference
I'm such a coward
I'm so afraid
Afraid that I'm right
That no one really cares
That I'm just some fucking drama queen, attention-whore
That's what I tell myself when I press the razor to my skin
Maybe if someone in my family knew how I really was I'd be ashamed enough to finally kill myself
Maybe I should tell them and then run to the highest building
I'd like that, I think
I want help, but not from the only people willing to give it
Everyone thinks I don't feel anything
That I'm just some unmotivated slob
It's so ironic
I feel so much, but I can't let it out
It's trapped inside me
I can't cry
I can't scream
At least not while I'm sober
When I'm drunk I can feel
I can feel the warm blood trickling down my arm
I can feel the tears as they run down my face
Then I wake up hours later
My body aching
Dried blood on the floor
A massive headache
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
Why am I always depressed?
Why won't I let anyone help me?
I'm so ungrateful
Such an idiot
I think everyone hates me
Well if they don't already, they should
They can join the hate "me" club
I'm the fucking president
Just plain fucking crazy
And the sad thing
The truly ironic thing
Everyone will think I'm anything but that
Fuck it, I'm going to bed
Staying awake is too fucking depressing