1:31am July 6, 2006

I can't breathe

I can't think

I hate myself

I hate everything

Why won't I die?

Why do I want to die?

I feel numb

My wrists hurt

My eyes are burning

My throat is clogged

I look normal

I look like there's nothing wrong with me

Don't worry; my eyes are black because I can't sleep

Don't worry I'm eating enough, how would you even be able to tell otherwise?

I'm too fat for you to see a difference

I'm such a coward

I'm so afraid

Afraid that I'm right

That no one really cares

That I'm just some fucking drama queen, attention-whore

That's what I tell myself when I press the razor to my skin

Stupid

Worthless

Attention-grabbing

Annoying

Too quiet

Too shy

Alcoholic

Fat

Ugly

Unloved

Maybe if someone in my family knew how I really was I'd be ashamed enough to finally kill myself

Maybe I should tell them and then run to the highest building

I'd like that, I think

I want help, but not from the only people willing to give it

Everyone thinks I don't feel anything

That I'm just some unmotivated slob

It's so ironic

I feel so much, but I can't let it out

It's trapped inside me

I can't cry

I can't scream

At least not while I'm sober

When I'm drunk I can feel

I can feel the warm blood trickling down my arm

I can feel the tears as they run down my face

Then I wake up hours later

My body aching

Dried blood on the floor

Bloodshot eyes

A massive headache

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

Why am I always depressed?

Why won't I let anyone help me?

I'm so ungrateful

Such an idiot

So paranoid

I think everyone hates me

Well if they don't already, they should

They can join the hate "me" club

I'm the fucking president

Just plain fucking crazy

And the sad thing

The truly ironic thing

Everyone will think I'm anything but that

Fuck it, I'm going to bed

Staying awake is too fucking depressing