That bench

where he held my hand and my hair and my lips and my heart is forever

strewn across the beer pissed grass where I vomited again and again and again until
(three years later when)
another break-my-heart-boy made me realise
I might be worth something, after all
(I may be wrong, but I'll take my chances)

and his words floated up and inside me curling the corners of my lips
for days to come
until my happiness wilted

with his cold and empty not-even-there looks,
his brash bang past me in the corridor and harsh
laughs when the word slag echoed back up from someone's throat
and the whole world pointed at me again, unsurprised.
he spread the rumours.
he set fire to me.
and in my dreams I was learning maths
and everybody laughed at the bulimic whore
who couldn't even get a C,
while he partied off with them all
and I failed
and stank
and sucked
and swallowed
and festered in a pit of desperate attempts to get that moment back.

Flash forward
a year, and six months
and its
that bench on the corner again

and its
me and him again

this time...
I hate him. This time he's drunk and spilling out embarrassment everywhere,
and I'm stone cold and sober.

He's holding her hand and the kisses...
I look away for, like a horror film killer coming in for the crunch.
but she reports back to me anyway,
shreds my heart apart as she reels off lists
of amazement of the things he does for her.

Silently, subdued
I look down at mine
scrawled in my old unreadable handwriting:
· held back my hair from the vodka and wine I choked up till I was a puppet girl collapsed in the gutter
· Told me, he didn't believe the things bathroom stalls and dirty men said about me...gave me the idea that I might not be this slag they make me out to be
· never spoke to me again, reconfirming and contradicting every word bruised into my body.

but it's ok.
they're happy together
and it's ok,
because when I'm sober
it's all ok
because I can see him properly
and in the cold clear light of day,
he's not worth the self destruction he caused me
in the first place.