going nowhere yet somewhere

i hate the way i choke back tears just to show that i'm not weak.
as if the bleeding wasn't enough, i cough up vomit to make myself
perfect (because every time i look at myself in the mirror, i always
spot the imperfections that i could (try to) fix to make myself better for
you & for the ones that look at me like i'm something sick & disgusting
-- something they want to throw away with a smile across their faces.)

and i'm just so terrified of the fact that i might actually be happy for once
(because it's been so long since i felt a true moment of pure bliss) in such
a long time. but i just love the way our eyes meet & the smile that stretches
across his face & when our hands meet, i feel his touch burn away my s(k)in
like he is the angel to bring me back into the light (that i so long for). but i'm
so afraid of being with someone that i'm just a mess of insecurities, thinking
that he'll judge me by the scars that scatter my wrists although some(one)-
thing inside me tells me that he'll just be so different from everyone else.

what's worse is that i think i'm finally beginning to realize that in (almost)
less than a month, i'll see your face after so long. i don't want to breakdown:
it'll show how weak i (truly) am. and i know these are battle scars that line
my arms&wrists but sometimes i feel like they are nothing&everything to me
because after everything, you just don't see what i'm doing. & everything
you never say leave acid memories that are just the ones that i can't forget
although these scars are reminders of what i've done to myself in the past
year and more (like the word love that i carved into my skin because it's
something that i'm unworthy of & just so afraid to have. and like your
name in my skin is fading although i can still see the letters that i worked
deligently on because something has to be perfect and that something
could never be me. and even the stars i carved are there and still visible
because i could never shine as brilliant as i did before all of this started).

and i'll let them think what they want to think because they could never
step in my shoes and live my life. this suffering is getting the best of me
but i don't want to end my life (just yet) because there's so much more
that i must do in order to set things straight (between you & me).

i wish the emotion of being afraid never existed (it would make things
so much easier for not only me but for the people that are just like me).


author's note: rantrantrant - this is nothing but a rant that i spat out in 15 minutes, unedited. please don't make me explain. my emotions are so mixed right now that i don't even know where to go from here. my fear is taking over me.