Dear diary,
I don't know what's going on at the moment... things have turned totally upside down! Kay said he was falling in love with me! Can you believe it? I was so sure that it was all some sort of joke... up until he grabbed me and it didn't feel fake anymore. No one in their right mind would do anything like that even if it was a joke?! It was so uncomfortable. I legged it before he even looked up, it seemed my mouth had jammed shut.
I swear I can't figure him out... I've always been wary of him and all the niceness ever since the biology trip. I had always thought it was just guilt. He'd obviously felt bad so was trying to make himself feel better. Then he started saying all that stuff today and my mind couldn't help thinking of She's all that. It could have all been part of a bet! But then afterwards, his tears, there's no way they were fake. The thing is, even if he does love me (that's a big IF there) it's not like I feel the same way...
All my life, I've watched Disney movies and those silly rom-coms that everyone takes the mick out of. I would happily sit there and watch them over and over again, regardless of how unrealistic they were. Those stories give you the hope that someday, there will be someone, who will notice you. Who won't ignore the fact that you're a girl just because you don't dress or look like the rest of them. Ever since I can remember, I have waited for that guy, who makes me feel special, who makes me feel euphoric, who makes me feel like I am important amidst all the rest.
So, now there is a guy who potentially 'loves' me, then why shouldn't I feel the same? Say for example Kay asks me out on a date, will I say yes because I like him or because it's a date? I might just be overly excited that someone paid me the slightest bit of attention and just get greedy for more. How would you ever distinguish between true feelings for someone and the need/want for attention from a boy? The word DESPERATE pops into mind.
The more I go over it, the more disgusted I am with myself. I've always hated those girls who are openly whining that they haven't been asked on a date, kissed etc. They seem to be obsessed with the opposite sex and forget that life isn't just about trying to find a boyfriend! And yet, here I am, debating over the same thing... Am I secretly just as sad as them, the only difference being they are able to express their feelings aloud?
Life's not meant to be fair... so is this like a karmical retribution for me? Have I done something so wrong in my life, that the first guy who paid me attention, is actually the last person I wanted it from? Yes, he's good looking and smart and caring (from what I've heard about his little brother) but he's an idiot as well. He demands admiration from others, and his popularity is more to do with his fitness rather than any mental characteristics. And he's very argumentative, always picking a fight with me! Argh and his ego annoys the hell outta me!
Am I making any sense? Probably not. It's soo difficult to try and explain this mess. Maybe I am just over thinking the whole thing... God knows I can't even buy lunch without considering my options a million times. I'll just ignore it shall I, and maybe it will all go away...?
Ironically, Gabrielle's Out of Reach is playing on the radio right now... Is it just a coincidence, or is someone saving me from heartache?
And know I'm
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me