i'm left numb

i could have dragged the razor across my wrists
to make the deepest scars run the brightest of
crimson red but that (numbing) pain could never
sum to the way it felt when you left me to bleed &
cry when i wanted nothing more than for you to see
how much you mean(t) to me. because i've made
these scars to the best i know (and even carved
your name as a(nother) reminder of why i do this).

what hurts the most is not the razor that i took
to skin but the way i tried so hard to get you to
see (and maybe even understand) all the pain
that you put me through (and still to this day, i
remember when mere scratches appeared and
little did i know how worse this bleeding would
become) because now i vomit all the things that
i hate to be, staring at this girl in the mirror as
someone that i used to know while spotting all
these imperfections that i can't seem to fix.

but what scares me is i would have willingly
brought the gun to my head (if i could have
found one to wrap my hands around) to make
all the pain go away & the feelings that constantly
eat at my heart, yearning to know why i was so
oblivious to what i was (/am) doing to myself.

(and i was only doing it for you, i promise.)

i never knew how much you meant to me until
the moment i stepped into an office, trying to
cover this bleeding, broken heart of mine that i
wore on my sleeve that day along with wanting
nothing more than for everything to die (because
that night i cried too many tears and then, for
once, i bled for more than the sake of you).