Down and Out
Crash Down all Around me

A very wise woman once told me to never give up. No matter how hard or terrible things got. She said that eventually things will get better. They always do. Our struggles will eventually grow easier. You'll eventually grow as big (or bigger) than that bully on the playground who always found it necessary to beat you up.

She explained it to me this way. When I was in elementary school I was... Let's face it. I. Was. Fat. None of that "chunky" or "big boned" crap. I was fat. Everywhere I went I heard "Lardo" and "Walrus" snickered behind me. Followed by giggling. It was never just one kid. Oh no. They always had to bring their friends. The more the merrier. They liked to corner me in the hallway and, with an evil gleam in their eyes, they'd reach their bony little fingers out to jab my tummy.

"Wee hee hee hooooo!" They would screech and then run back down the hall giggling. Pillsbury Dough boy. Freakin' hilarious.

But this wasn't the worst. Oh no. The worst was never having any friends. Never having anybody to talk to or hang out with at recess. I still don't have any but, at least then I knew it was because of my weight. Now I have to plain out face the facts. I'm a freak. And I'm strangely okay with that.

Anyway, we always had field days on the last day of school. You know the kind. Water relays, hula hoop contests, duck-duck goose. And the worst, my most hated... Tug of war.

Well, it wasn't so bad. Sometimes. Actually, on occasion it was actually kind of... Dare I say it? Fun. But then there were the other times. The times that outnumbered the fun times. They over ruled. The times that just flat out sucked. The times when they'd take the whole class and go up against me. Then they'd collapse in a heap of laughter as they watched me tumble to the ground and struggle to get back up. I watched them, each and every one, laugh in my face. Through my blurred, teary vision, I saw the girls... The skinny, tiny, pretty girls throw their heads back in laughter as they watched me suffer. Not one of them showed even an ounce of sympathy for me.

These were the nights when I ran home to the woman who had the answer to everything. "Shhhh." she would whisper to me as I bawled in her arms. "It will all get better. Just you wait." she would murmur as she rocked me back and forth. I would slowly drift to sleep as she smoothed my hair off of my snotty, tear stained face.

Years later she told me that I could conquer anything I set my mind too. Of course, I didn't believe her. She just liked to flatter weak old me. "You" she laughed as she pulled me into her chest, "You, Ryan Louise Morgan, can do anything you want. You will be the Queen of the world, without a doubt in my mind. She laughed warmly, though I could tell it was strained behind all the tubes. The loud beeping of the heart monitor put a damper on our brief, happy moment. It was always a constant reminder of where we were, what was happening, and what was coming. It never allowed a time for a vacation.

"Do you remember the Tug of War days?" she asked me. I nodded, as a lone tear slid down my cheek. She merely sighed and pulled me closer to her. "Remember those hard, painful times for the rest of your life, Ry. Those are the images that will always be in your mind, pushing you to strive for your goals. They will be the dog nipping at your heals, keeping you running even when you are so tired and it all just seems impossible. All of those kids are your fears, worries, and pain on one end of the rope and on the other, is you. My fearless, brave angel. And, with one tug of the rope you send them all crashing to the ground and you rule them all. You show them how tough you are." her voice cracked on the last part and, as I pulled away to look at her, I realized her face was stained with tears.

"Mom," I whispered and let my own tears flow freely now.

"Remember that, Ry. If I taught you one thing, it's to not let people, or things bring you down." she was gasping for air and I was suddenly afraid that her heart might give out with the unexpected over exertion.

"Mommy..." I grabbed her hand and brought it to my face to kiss it. "I love you so damn much. This just isn't fair." I sniffled.

"Oh baby," she reached her arms out for me and I laid my head back in her chest. "I know, I know. I love you too. More then you could ever imagine." she just held me there that night, cradled in her thin, weak arms, and sang me to sleep. With the same, sweet lullaby she used when I was just a little baby.

That was the last time we ever talked. She died the next morning right after I left the hospital for school. Holding off, the doctors supposed, until I wasn't there to see.

That was the day my life changed. My world came shattering all around me and everything crumbled beneath my feet. But, somehow, I managed to hold on. To be as strong as possible. My mothers last words rang in my head everyday, pushing me to go on.

AN: yes. a new story. kinda. i'm not sure if i want to continue with it or not. i need to work on What I Last Expected right now. but i'll continue this in the future.