"No" if Anyone Should Ask

I forgot to say "no"

to the feeling of another human being

lying close enough to touch,

holding my hand, eyes closed.

She says nothing, words are unnecessary.

We've always understood one another

through our skewed perceptions

of what we want each other to be.

I'd like to believe, a few more moments,

that this eager, desperate kiss is enough of an apology

for all the confusion every other has brought me,

not merely as foreplay

to long awaited, meaningless sex

that will end with us not speaking

for ages again,

leaving our love and fate up to the mere chance

of mutual loneliness and remembrance

on some random day when it no longer matters to me

why I used to whisper her name to myself

when I felt anything in the world

I wanted to ignore.

I pull away, despite her rapacious pleas.

Were I the decent girl I called myself

when she was the only person to see a salacious side to me

I only wished existed,

I would choke on my feigned sweetness

and confess to her that she's dragged me into some sort of love

dreams and memories won't allow me to escape.

But I can't feel anything but want.

She's opened me to the bitterness

of falling for being hurt.

Now, all I want, is to return the favor

but there's nothing in me that's strong enough

to hurt someone who's hurt me

when only she invokes in me these feelings

a year of her absence allowed me to forget I had.