hopeless wishing

& i knew in an instant (even from the corner of my eye)
that it was you who i saw (the one who hurt me so much
to cause me to bleed, vomit & cry in order to try to make
all the imperfections in me disappear). and to be honest,
i just wanted to walk right up to you, ask you how you
were doing (hoping you are doing well) but i know that
i can't do that because it's not the same as before and
we aren't (best) friends anymore (and i can't wish for
things that'll never happen between the two of us again).

(i surprised myself when i didn't s-s-stutter your name
out like something disgusting but i felt your name linger
in the air, stinging the scars drawn across my wrists).

yet i wonder if you saw me. did you recognize me so
quick that it made you draw back a sharp breath? or
am i (still) something that you don't even bother to take
a second look back at? we'll pass by each other in the
hallways of school and would you bother to cross eyes
with me? and i can't help but wonder all the things that
i know i shouldn't do because i pray so much to not see
you but i'm not the one controlling the fate to happen.

the one thing i'm hoping not to happen is for me to be
too afraid to face you (if that chance ever comes) that
it'll be the same as so long ago where i find myself in
the bathroom stall, wanting to tear myself open just
for you & let everything slip away. because i'm back
where everything started and it feels so right yet feels
so wrong (but i can't stand to stay away from the ones
whom i love so much for any longer). i don't want to
bleed this year but i know that i can't stop what has
consumed me for more than a year. i just don't want
to become any more worse than what i already am.


author's note: i went to pick up my schedule for school today since today was the designated for seniors & i saw a few good, old friends... but i saw her... she's only a few lockers down from my best friend's locker... for some reason, i still don't think it was her but then half of me is saying that it was her... so this piece just came out from me thinking that it was her. actually, this is nothing really but a rant but whatever. i guess my feelings are still in a jumble...