I feel so used. Just so…wasted and used. There are no words other than those two words to describe how I feel right now. Okay, maybe there's one more. Disgusting. I feel used, wasted, and disgusting. And do you know why I feel this way, why I feel like trash?
Because of you.
I admit that it was partially my fault. I let you do it but I was weak then. I'm not anymore.
There was a time when I depended on you for everything. I couldn't even get dressed in the morning without consulting you first. You were my boyfriend and I had to look the way you wanted me to, that's what you told me and like the naïve girl that I was, I had believed you.
You had been my first boyfriend and I thought that since you were older you wouldn't be immature. I thought that you would understand what I needed. I thought that you would know how to treat me but I was obviously wrong. I was very and almost deadly wrong.
I nearly died because of you. You told me I was fat so I tried to lose weight. I got down to 67 pounds but you still weren't satisfied. You hit me and slapped me around because I could lose anymore. I couldn't make myself sick anymore, I wouldn't. I was dying and you didn't care.
I cut myself for you. I bled so that you knew my devotion was to you and only you but that wasn't enough either. I tried to kill myself in front of you, to prove my love for you and you still didn't care. I couldn't do anything to make you care, I was just a distraction for you while you got over the one you really loved.
Since we've gone our separate ways I've gotten a lot help. It was help that I should have gotten a long time ago. I'm in a hospital and every time I gain a pound, it feels as if I gain another part of my soul again. I like that feeling. I like feeling free, free from the hold you once had on me.
Despite everything that happened you will always be my first love. Or least that's what I'm telling myself. I'm not even sure I really loved you. I think I disillusioned myself into thinking that I did. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I talked myself into loving you and believing that you loved me too.
So in parting this is goodbye. Goodbye to your memory, to all the times we had. I don't want to think of you anymore. I want to forget everything about you and the old part of my life so that I can move on and live a better life. So…goodbye.