Author : sKiTzO sHy VioLeT
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Tabitha must deal with more prejudice and wonders if God has forsaken her and her people.
Author's Note #1 : This is the sequel to "Good" and it might be better to read that one first, but you don't really have to. It's basically all explained here.
Author's Note #2 : All homophobes turn back or go a href="http://www.geocities.com/scully_of_nine/society.html"here/a now.
That's all I have to say.
::sigh:: It's been two years since my mother sat me down and asked me if I was a lesbian. Two years since I told her no because I am in fact bisexual. Two years since she replied with "Good".
In that time nothing much has really happened. I'm in high school now, and I've discovered two of my friends are bisexual as well. I've also discovered that there's a fad going around and a lot of girls are pretending to be bisexual cause guys find it hot.
One of those such girls is my friend, Laura.
I just know she's not really bi. It's painfully obvious. I don't know who she thinks she's kidding. I really don't. It hurts to see, but I can't really explain why. Hmmm... I'll try...
Imagine you have to do a really embarrassing project in class. You know the ones I'm talking about. A lot of people will make fun of you and laugh at you for doing it, but if you don't do it, you fail. So you try and keep the project secret and you work really hard on it.
Now imagine someone comes along and does no work on it, and bullshits it all. Not only that, but they make a stupid mockery of the whole thing and gets the class riled up. So they get the glory and the grade. Then it's your turn and you don't have any mockery or anything like that, and you're laughed at.
Make sense? I hope so.
Anyway, you're probably wondering what I'm doing back here, typing at my keyboard. Well, I'll tell you.
I don't know what kind of day it was. As I told you last time, my memory isn't too hot. But if anything, I'd say it was kinda gloomy. It *was* winter after all. I was online, probably playing with my neopets. The dining room table is right next to the computer and at it sat my sister Alex, my neighbor Cammie, her brother Tommy, and my sister's friend Marion. They were talking about some religious stuff, debating what they thought the bible meant, and which religion was right or wrong about what.
I got pretty bored and decided to turn around and participate in the conversation. I didn't sign off, however, just in case the conversation got too boring too soon, and just put my away message on. Tommy was still bugging me about feeding his neopets.
The argument got pretty heated and intense as soon as it got to the whole homosexuality thing. Marion and Alex were trying to tell Cammie and I how wrong and unnatural it was as we defended it.
Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. My *sister* was arguing about how homosexuality was wrong. My *sister*. My own flesh and blood. At least all my Mom did was say "Good". She was fighting about the issue.
Sure, they brought up some good points. I argued that if God made us then he must not really hate homosexuals and that whoever wrote the bible must have added that. To which they responded about how God wouldn't let something like that get out and how homosexuality could be natural but it might not be God-made.
Their evidence? It's been proven that there's a gene that goes around making you an alcoholic, and yet, alcohol isn't natural. They claimed that if their is a gay gene then it must have come along with the alcoholic gene.
I don't buy that.
They used a lot of religious stuff to back up their claims, which didn't make their points stay stable in my mind. For a while they'd be cool, but then they'd fall apart like a pair of K-Mart shoes.
It's not that I'm an atheist, but I'm not religious. Frankly I don't know where I am on the subject anymore. I mean, it's like Mulder's poster says, "I want to believe". I want to. I really do. I *want* to believe there's some great deity watching over us and loving us. That there's some big parental figure in the sky that wants nothing more than to help us. I really do.
But I'm not sure that I *can*.
And even if I could, then either mankind has screwed up His words, or He's one fucked up God.
I mean, think about it. He created man, right? Every detail. He made the human race as perfect as it is today, and He made us able to reproduce. Then He must be responsible for the genes and all. Why, then, would he create a gene that made people non-heterosexual, and then cast down upon us? Why would He go through all that trouble, just to hate us?
So what I believe is that if there is a God, then it's like what the movie "Dogma" said. Muses have no say over the editorial process and some homophobes wrote the Bible, adding that part in at the end. Makes more sense to me.
But what if that's not true? What if God approves of all that Matthew Shepard stuff? What if He watches it and nods and says "Good"? What then? Surely He wouldn't abandon us like that. Right?
So all this is going through my mind as I listen to my sister speak. Then she said something that really *really* hurt.....
"Okay," Cammie had just asked if she would totally push away someone who she found out was gay, and Alex was beginning to give her answer. "Say Marion comes out and tells me she's gay. I'll still be her friend, and I'll accept it. But I'll never approve of it."
The words hit me like ice water in the middle of the coldest day in winter. First my mother, now my sister? This was too much. Somehow I found the words.
"Not really." Marion looked at me and shook her head. "Alex is going out with Matt, and I don't like him. He's a jerk. But I accept that. I just don't approve of it. It's the same thing."
"No, it's not." I couldn't believe what she had just said. The two things were *not* related in the least bit. I was so mad, but I hid it. God, what she said pissed me off. "They're not the same *at all*. One thing is something someone can't help and is how they were born, and another is something they can stop at anytime. It's *far* from the same."
There was more to the explanation, of course. But I couldn't find the words. I still can't. It's like a bird that's spent its whole life in a cage. It *knows* it can fly, but it can't seem to figure out *how*.
"Well, whatever." She dropped it and Tommy asked me to feed his neopets again. The conversation switched to who was going to be saved and who wasn't when the Apocalypse came. Marion began talking about how you'd go to hell unless you were "saved".
That was about when I realized Tommy wasn't bugging me anymore. He hadn't said a word for a while. I turned to look at him and he had the most horrified expression on his face. After hearing Cammie say she was saved as a result of going to Church with Marion, the reason sunk in. He wasn't afraid of the horrors that we going to happen at the Apocalypse. He was afraid of them happening to *him*. He hadn't been baptized *or* "saved".
That's when the look of horror melted into tears and Marion and Cammie made arrangements to get him saved over the phone. My dad was drunk and kept making Lucifer jokes to Tommy, scaring him even further.
He doesn't know when to quit when he's drunk...
So Tommy got saved, and I took my away message off. The conversation left me empty and I didn't know what to do. I put on my headphones and played some Ani DiFranco.
These days she's my safe haven. Her music helps me. And when I'm in a really bad "the whole world is homophobic" mood I play "Two Little Girls". It reminds me that there are people like me out there and that I'm not alone.
Sometimes I wonder if Ani went through all the things I did. I wonder if her family was homophobic and if so what she did to get past them.
Tommy bugged me to feed his neopets again. He was strutting around, happy to have been saved and Cammie was making him swear not to tell their father. So I figured, what the hell. It was the least I could do to help him get over the whole Apocalypse thing.
Playing with neopets in the past always cheered me up. But now... Nothing...
I was empty.
The first one was much better written I think, my mind's kind of a jumble right now. I might rewrite it in the future, but I'm not entirely sure. Let me know what you think.