Take Your Pants Off

By Dr. Pepper 14

Summary: Slash. They just can't do anything right. He can't even get Ray's clothes off without stubbing his toe and breaking at least three valuable objects in the process. (Awkward sex is more fun than you think.)

Note: There is no plot. All you need to know is that they sort-of know each other, got kinda, but not really, drunk, and decided to have sex.


"God, I'm so fucking horny," I groan, cursing the little old lady driving five miles per hour in front of us. "And you haven't even touched me yet. Not even a little kiss."

"Well, that would be hazardous, seeing as you're driving," Ray says in a matter-of-fact tone. "But if you want…"

"Shit!" I curse and swerve to the right as Ray's hand closes over me, trapped hot and hard in my jeans, and squeezes.

"Oh my god," he says, eyes wide with disbelief. "Oh my god. You just ran over a mailbox."

"You think you can give me a little warning next time before you decide to feel me up?" I say snappishly.

"Oh my god. We are going to get arrested."

"Shut up. We're not going to get arrested," I protest, banging my head on the steering wheel when we stop at a stop sign. "No one saw expect maybe that old lady in front of us, and judging by her slower-than-death speed, I bet she can barely see over the steering wheel."

He hides his face in his hands, repeating a mantra of oh shit oh shit oh shit…

Wow, this guy is a far cry from the man who just spent the last twenty minutes telling me exactly what he was going to do to me in precise detail… perhaps I need to remind him what we're doing (or about to be doing) here.

"So you think you're an outlaw now, huh? Maybe I need to arrest you," I say in my best authoritative voice with a grin and he grins back. "I don't think I can fit into my cop getup anymore, but I do have a pair of handcuffs."

"Mmm," he moans appreciatively, eyes half-lidded as he looks over at me and licks his lips. "Take me away, officer."

"You have the right to remain silent," I tease as I pull into the driveway.

"Oh, is that a gun in your pocket?" he asks, eyes glancing down at my crotch and lingering there. "And here I thought you were just happy to see me."

"We're here," I announce unnecessarily.

I put the car in park, put my keys in my pocket, and we stare at each other across the car because this is it, both breathing a little fast and hard as a rock.

Now what? I wonder. For all our talk, we haven't really done anything yet. This is way scarier than I thought it would be when I asked him to come home with me.

"Race you to the house!" I challenge and watch as his eyes glint a moment before we both yank open our doors.

I hop out of the car faster than I ever have before, slamming the door shut- and getting my shirt caught in it in the process. I turn to see if Ray has witnessed my embarrassing predicament, but all I see is the back of his figure as he opens the door at lighting speed and heads inside.

"Fuck," I growl, and keep tugging at my shirt until the material rips, a flap of it still hanging from the closed door as I turn away, and then trot off towards my house with the little shred of dignity I still possess.

When I finally make it inside, Ray is sitting uncertainly on the far end of my couch, shifting his position every few seconds.

"What happened to you, Denny?" he asks, taking in my ripped shirt with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh, I guess I'm a little over eager," I lie and laugh unconvincingly, twisting my fingers in my now ruined shirt and taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch from Ray.

Silence. Very awkward silence (which isn't surprising really, seeing as we're two grown men, sitting as far away from each other as possible and staring nervously, when the only thing either of us is thinking about is the other naked).

Frozen in our spots, stuck in that is-this-really-happening? and shit-it's-happening-what-do-I-do? phase, I knows that someone has gotta do something now before the whole world explodes.

"Can I kiss you?" Ray hesitantly asks after a few unbearable minutes, breaking the thick silence, eyes darting towards my lips with a hungry look like he hasn't eaten in years.

I nod emphatically, unable to form the words that I know would probably be "Uh, yeah."

Still, neither of us moves.

And then, all of a sudden, we both dart forward at the same time, lunging for each other's mouth with single-minded desperation, noses bumping painfully.

"Ouch," he whines, rubbing his nose.

"Here, uh, let's try that again," I say, taking his face in both my hands. "Hold still," I order, turning his head to the left for a better angle and gently placing my lips on his.

"Mmm… much better," he mumbles against my lips, swiping my bottom one with his tongue and holding onto my hips with his big rough hands.

He pushes me back onto the leather couch, making us horizontal, chest-to-chest and hip-to-hip.

I grab his ass like I've been dreaming about for weeks, kneading hard with my hands.

"Ugh," I grunt as his erection brushes against mine, settling into the dip between my cock and hip, one thigh wedged between mine.

Now now now now now. I have to have him now. I thrust up with my hips, slipping my tongue between his parted lips when he gasps. God, I want him now. I run my tongue over a razor-sharp incisor, the roof of his mouth, his gums and the inside of his cheek, trace his lips.

"Dennis," he moans as he rips his lips away, my tongue slipping out of his heavenly mouth. "Dennis. Your car keys are digging into my hip."

"Oh. Sorry," I say and stop humping his thigh.

I can feel the heat of my blush all the way to my ears and down my neck as I reach into my pocket, searching for my keys. I clasp my fingers around the keys when I find them and try to pull them out of my now too tight jeans, which is kind of hard with Ray pressing me down, placing soft kisses on all the places tinged red, my cheeks, my nose, my neck. When I finally pull them out, I throw them somewhere to my right without a thought.

I tug his face back up to mine, needing this so bad it's not even funny, and capture his tongue with my lips, sucking like my life depended on it. He moans deep in the back of his throat, hands helplessly tightening on my hips, and I can feel it vibrate throughout my body to the very tips of my toes and fingers, making me shiver.

"So fucking good," I groan when I have to breathe, loving his taste and his soft skin and the way his body moves against mine, and then dive back in.

We are just getting into a good rhythm, my hips thrusting in time with my tongue fucking his mouth, when I hear a crash.

"Fuck," I say, sitting up fast, causing us both to fall of the couch and crash onto the beige carpet right next to my now broken monkey lamp. "Fuck," I say again for good measure, staring at my lifeless lamp.

"Bed," he says rather breathlessly because I'm crushing his lungs.

"Bed," I agree, getting up and trying to pull him up as well, but he's too heavy so we both just end up falling down again.

I let him get up by himself this next time.

He walks me backwards towards my bedroom with my lips attached to his neck, licking a line of sweet skin from his jaw to his collarbone, and we trip at the bottom of the stairs.

I bang my head on the banister. "Okay, this isn't going to work. How about I just hold your hand 'til we get there?" I say with a smile just for him.

I put an extra little wiggle in my hips as I saunter up the stairs, looking back every few steps to make sure he's noticing.

Yeah, you bet he is.

"Fucking finally," he says exasperatedly as he shuts my bedroom door behind us and pins me against it.

"Bed," I insist, gasping at the doorknob digging into my back.

He all but throws me onto the mattress, knocking the breath out of my lungs as he jumps on top of me, squishing me into the bed. I reach up under his shirt, caressing his sides, brushing his nipples with my thumbs, feeling powerful knowing that I'm the reason he's making that soft sort of moan and closing his eyes in pleasure.

"God, you feel so good," I tell him, pulling off his shirt and running my hands up his muscular back towards his broad shoulders.

I lift my arms up as he tries to get my shirt up and off, but it gets stuck around my head.

"Get this fucking thing off me," I huff, though I doubt Ray can understand me because my shirt is stuffed into my mouth.

"That's what you get for wearing shirts that, though undoubtedly hot as hell, are way too tight," he laughs and with one hard yank, hauls the shirt over my head.

I glare at him for laughing at me as he chucks my shirt behind him.

He just ignores me and leans over my body so I can just feel the heat radiating from his skin, hands planted on either side of my chest, lips curved into a sexy smile, and says, "I'm going to fondle you now," giving me a clear warning.

My breath hitches in my throat and I nod my head up and down and up and down (because I don't think I can do anything else at the moment), eyes watching his hands in amazement as they go to work on my jeans.

Jesus, it's been way too long.

He pops the top button.

"Fuck," he pants, looking up my body, face inches away from my straining cock. "I can't get the zipper down."

"What?" I say, coming out of my daze.

I reach my hands down and try to undo the zipper- no luck. Fuck, these jeans are just too tight.

"This can't be fucking happening to me," I groan and not in the I'm-gonna-get-laid way, throwing my head back onto the pillows. "It just can't."

I need release now, damnit. I press the heel of my hand onto my cock, trying to ease the ache.

"No," says Ray, smacking my hand away. "Let me."

And then he takes a pocket knife out of his back pocket.

"Holy shit!" I squeak, scrambling up the bed and plastering my self against the headboard. "Are you insane? Get that thing away from my dick!"

"Chill out, Denny," he says, pulling the fabric away from my right hip and slashing down the side of my jeans. "You need a new pair anyway," he shrugs and helps me shimmy out of my pants after he cuts a few inches.

"You're buying me a new pair."

I stretch out on my back, finally free, and reach my arms above my head.

"Ugh..."

"What?" I ask, squinting at him.

"You're not wearing any underwear," he says and stares like maybe I should be punished.

"Nope," I say with a wink punctuated with a sharp thrust of the hips.

He scrambles off the bed like a startled bunny, tugging off his own jeans and then his boxer-briefs, and then stands there staring at me like he doesn't know what to do.

Not that I know what I'm doing any more than he does, both of us being amateurs at this whole 'gay sex' thing, but I'm older so I should take charge.

"Cm'mere," I whisper, motioning with my hands.

He lies down beside me, hand automatically going for my hip. I grab his hand and place it on my inner knee, leading it slowly up to my thigh.

"Fondle away," I say.

I moan unexpectedly at his first touch, hand moving to reciprocate the action, fingers curling around his erection. It can't be any different than jerking off, right? Hand meet dick. Dick meet hand.

Only it feels a hell of a lot different. Which, god yes, is A-OKAY.

Ray's other hand that isn't on my dick is bracing himself on my shoulder as he leans towards my chest. The tip of his tongue, god, licks my nipple with a little flick, the flat of his tongue following up with a long swipe.

"Ray!" I call as his thumb flicks over the head of my cock at the same time as his tongue. "Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray," I gasp, yanking him back up and smashing my mouth against his.

"Oh god, Dennis, yeah," he moans, biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed, the metallic taste lost in the combination of sweat and spit and come.


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Pretty random place to leave off, huh? I thought so. I'm thinking of writing an epilogue explaining the situation (because in my head Ray and Dennis have a very interesting story). But only if you guys want me to.

So, I was pretty much cracking up the whole time while writing this. Any terms/actions that seem funny or ridiculous are probably meant to be. Well, what do you think of my first time writing a sex scene? Good/bad? Sexy/unsexy? I've been feeling rather depressed (understatement) lately because tomorrow is my first day of school and that just sucks, so I thought some porn might cheer me up (and it did). I hope it makes someone else happy in the process as well.

Soundtrack to the story: multiple songs by The Honorary Title, especially 'Bridge and Tunnel' cause it makes me want to dance.