it still hurts

i felt my heart race when i first saw you (again after it's been so long),
laughing and smiling even as (i knew) you saw me. of course, i don't
expect you to remember anything about me but i could never forget.

and even when our faces were inches apart, i could feel your coldness
upon me, burning, indenting the scars. you looked at me (or could i be
imagining things?) with such hate as if i should be sorry for hurting you.
but you have yet to see all the hurt i went (/go) through because you
never saw how much i put myself through just to be (im)perfect for the
likes of you (but it still doesn't matter because i could bleed myself
dry and you wouldn't even hand me a towel to wipe away the blood).
but i tried - oh god, i tried - to get you to understand and i thought it
was enough but (like always) i was wrong because i could still make
myself bleed, hoping it would make a difference when you see me.

my knees grew week and my stomach lurched at the simple sight of
you (wearing a black shirt with your hair fixed all nice) because you're
still the way i remember you (same blue eyes staring back at the girl
ihate so much) but am i what you remember me to be? because you
never saw a girl with bleeding wrists, crumpled in the corner, crying
out for something (anything) to take the pain away but wanting to bleed
every single imperfection out of and it pains me to say that you still hurt
me now even after it's been so long and after i thought everything was
fine (and i'm a fool to believe that even for a second) but i'm not allowed
to bleed anymore (because i'm supposed to be screaming on the inside
and not showing my pain on tainted flesh) but your cold, blue eyes hurt
more than trying to make myself feel while numb on the in(out)side.

here i am, yet again, pretending that everything is fine and that i'm
over you (as if we're two lovers in a fight) but the fact is that i can't help
but to want things to be the same but i ble(e)d for you still hiding the
scars because i want (/need) you to understand everything that i (have)
do(ne) for you and i thought you would be one to help me stop the bleeding
but i'm so wrong at everything and you proved to me that you could never be
there for me in a time that i need(ed) you the most so i'll bleed everything
out (again) if that's what it takes for you to see with your own two eyes
that this started for you and it'll end for you (even if i have to bleed empty).


author's note: please don't make me explain. simply, it was the first day of school today& i saw her more than once. the rest, i'm sure, you can figure out onyour own.