This is me going to yell. This is me going boom in your face. This is me not knowing what to do.

This is everything I have said, and more importantly, everything I wish I had said. I want this to hurt real bad, because this is where you have put me, without another road to turn down. I am left in the dark. And while it might, neigh, is my own fault that I continue to care for you time and time again, I want you to read this, hate me, and see every single ounce of love I have ever had for you.

So this is a story. Something I dreamed up, not too long ago. It started off slow, simple, but with everything I could want.

Then I began to show it, and feel it as well. How silly it was of me to get caught up in such fantasies, such beliefs that I was doing the right thing. I laugh now because I refuse to waste another unwanted tear. And I thank you, humbly, for teaching me so much and aiding me grow so far.

I love you. And with these, soft, curven, lips, I give you my kiss, and my story.

take me away
wrap me up in your fantasies
hold me and make it feel right
I want you by my side
I hear your heart beat
Even if you say it isn't so
don't tell me it's alright
tell me it's no reason to grieve
embrace me embracing pain
it will all be over

not soon, not now
but tell me you feel for me.

It isn't fair that I only get to see you two days a week. I need someone to hold when I'm upset at nothing! Someone who will listen to me and let me listen to them while holding each other. But I want so much to say that it would be a waste to wait and forget. I am thinking of you constantly tonight. I am consumed with thoughts of shadows and animal instincts and longing for a pulse other than my own! Someone who will listen to me. But you cannot be here with me; not now at any rate

It means a lot how you speak to me.
How you want to hold me in your arms
It means a lot to me
How you speak without wanting to harm
It means a lot to care for you
To know that you've spoken true
It means a lot
That you respond
Eloquent and real
It means a lot
That on the spot
You figured out my spiel
It means a lot to hold you
It means too much to know
And while I think about you
I feel the feelings grow.
It means a lot to be scared
Of what you might say next
It means a lot
To share what you think
With somebody who cares

So much I want to help you as a friend and do, say, whatever it may be that is obviously hurting you so much. I understand your reasoning for the break-up. I have been feeling the same way- but wanted to be strong and faithful to feelings of attachment of some sort.

I am imagining this is going to be a long letter- but I know you don't need to hear all the bullshit about being happy. I guess I am glad that we can be good friends now after having a romantic relationship. I had a feeling last night (around midnight) that something horrible had happened surrounding your life. It's corny but I wanted so much to help you at that instant in time, even if I didn't know anything was wrong.

You said time and time and again that "life sucks." but I know there is joy. No one should feel this much pain in their life. The fact that it doesn't get much better makes it feel so much worse. One of the biggest concerns is your willingness to hurt yourself and separate from others.

You really were beautiful to me you know. You gaffe at your appearance but you really are quite handsome. I am shallow enough to know.

But you had helped me through so many difficult times last year and this that I feel the desire and compassion enough to make you feel better. I held on because I was afraid to be romantically detached and leave you alone to being eaten by your own thoughts and the external horrors that you've experienced. This is not an act of charity or compassion. This is an act of greed. I love you as a being, and think you can put things in a wonderful perspective for me when I hurt. But I care for your well being and while I don't approve of some of your humor or beliefs, it still makes me laugh and think.

Hope was the final horror released from Pandora's box because it makes us believe in a future that might not be there. I believe this but still will to do anything because at some point or another I have felt happy and good. My search is to find that again- and then again after I lost that.

Admittedly I cried after that evening for hours because how ignored each other were and how my plans never go right. You will be okay. Not now and probably not for very long- but isn't enough to motivate you to love? Love how when you send out an email telling people that you can't stand it anymore- you get tens of hundreds of responses saying on how wonderful you are and their inability to return your goodbye. Getting up and being able to close your eyes again. And even in an hour of darkness, you pursued the rhyme.

This lecture that I write, this monologue, is meant to prove that you are not bad, evil, fake or inhuman. I am trying to prove through emotional examples that you are none of those things. You are not one thing and nobody is. The question of self provokes the longing for death- I know- but we, the intellectuals, should strive to find some sort of meaning is life. I think our souls, as they age, come closer and closer to wanting to provide death, because the knowledge and wisdom and lessons we learn in one life time must make the next one better, or just numb. It is not our choice how our live proceed, but it is our choice on how we live with knowledge of hurt. I want to get through to you and make you feel good.

I feel like I have so much to talk to you about but never the right words to put it into. The point of stopping, the point of even trying anymore was to make this last in a way that is able to last forever, but still let me live out my life the way I want to.

Why would you want to hurt me? What good will it do? I don't need to break anymore, I need to grow, and learn how to solve a situation without it being to an extreme point. I'm confused because I meant this as a complement, not a plea. I may not know why, but if you know something, it is not growth to hack at it to see how it bleeds. To see how and why it bleeds is doubt, it is weakness in belief.

One day, I hope to be able to sleep in your arms and not have the burning desire to stay that way forever. I LOVE YOU. I love the way you look at me, stare with a gaze that makes me flinch and turn away because it is so filled with heart. I love the way you play across my skin and never want to hold me too tight, are so careful about how you hold me. I love the way you hide into my neck and grind your teeth when you sleep. I love the poetry I've inspired and the discussions that make me think. I love how much you want me, but won't tell me why. I love being your ma petite and never being able to be that for anyone else. I love seeing the expressions on your face when I take you by surprise and the sounds you try to hold back when I nibble your skin. I love that you bend how I think and how I question things. I am not ready to be in love, it is mot my time to devote my life to someone else, but that is how I feel love.

I try to give people everything they need without them being able to use me, and I need to embrace my own selfishness and give myself what I need for a change. That is difficult for me on so many levels, and is also going to take a lot of time. Don't be afraid of a change is what I am trying to tell you and trying to convince myself of. My gut tells me that I should be everything you need, put myself aside. It says: "You are not perfect, he is your everything. Be his everything and you will be perfect." I only fell in love with you once we had broken up.

you make me do bad things.
you make me want to steal.
you make me want to lie.
you change my mind.
I constantly think of you
I constantly want to be with you
I constantly fail.
and I can't blame anything on you.

j'y toi suis venu a nuit
je ne voudrais pas encore etre en amour
mais, avec toi, je ne fais pas les pensers.
et, suelement, je sors veet.

People do not get what they want in life. So live for others. I've tried to say a lot of things in the past- and all of us have a definite attachment to words that is unique and a double blade that can hurt when it meant to mend. So- while I will try to make this simple, I will also say all that I want to whether you both want to hear it or not.

ne parles pas
reve du moi
un petite baise
est tout je voudrai

can you feel me?
reaching out for your soul over mile?
I feel you
holding me in your shadows, completely still.

non, je ne le souhtair pas encore.
ne me sortir pas
je suis desole
that's all I have to say.

Teasing me is the thing that keeps you wanting more from me.

I will not loose, but I cannot see a way for me to win in all of ours relationship.

Just by implying that others have you while I still love you and I am alone feels like daggers pulling out my heart through the bone.

I want your lifestyle, your utopia, right now. But I doubt it will get me where I am meant to go, and if it can last forever.

I believe in Love above all things. That is why I will not toss this aside. Love is something that last forever. You never ever give up on love. I am running away from love and being sacrilegious.

My soul makes my final decisions when it knows the answer. My gut and my mind tell me different things all the time.

Myself is a very cold and lonely place to be And I lived there for a good quarter of my life.

It is such a hard thing for me to explain why it hurts. I explode, I go boom, and all you want is to see me happy. In that moment, I felt neither love nor the pull of flesh- just the simple comfort of a familiar body, scent, and person on top of me while I slept.

But it will never be enough.

I don't want sympathy I want answers. I am stubborn and will not do things I find ugly, unnecessary, or painful. But I am female. All my wires get crossed and I start trying to make things feel where they don't need too. Make myself love when all it is lust and power. I feel powerful around you, just simply in your arms.

I want to fall asleep with someone- anyone I know in my arms who will hold me, be as passionate for me as you are when you first wake up and are asleep- every night of my life. This is a goal. I see none of the things that I want to achieve in my future because I don't think I actually loved you.

I think the words tricked me into a place that felt like comfort and understanding, made me believe I loved you because you were different and fought for me in some ways. I defended everything about you. And then I see myself happy in the life you propose. See myself having your children, not necessarily my own. I see myself hurting you because I push and can't understand. Either way you lied to me. You may not have meant to but you did. You said you wanted to see me grow, love you, have your family, and everything else we always argue about. Well I grew alright: first, biting; then open mindedness; then understanding of what polygamy was; then love for your others; then a desire to be dominated; then a tease; then someone who could have and create her own conversation; then someone who didn't want to need your support anymore.

I remember everything about you and me.

I demand to be fulfilled by the one I believe I love. It was supposed to be you and me- let me get over you in secrecy. To bad right?

You ask that I think before I sit down to write these words, to cool the red hot metal of my words.

Well, that my dear, had it's time and place. And I am letting it rot in my own personal hell. I can see this ripping you apart, inside out-like, and it makes me smile. Boys are so silly, I am glad I am done with the your type for a long while. No more relationships until I'm ready. Thanks to you, that may not be for decades. Let's detach my heart from everything and feel the world through teeth and fingertips. Wet and hot as my world was meant to be. Fire and water, orange and teal, passion and calm. How does it feel love? How does it feel?

Interesting that fate has made me so mistrusting.

Strange how my heart beats and breaks only for the choices I make.

Bizarre that the world still seems to have no point, reason, or fate other than to live on the paths you see- not the ones you create.

I hope life brings you agony and bliss- something wicked that for once can last.

I hope you don't live to regret either of the choices we've made.

You made me believe in myself, so much, and now I am only left with my own sanity.

I asked you to be kind in helping me find a new home.

I think you abandoned me when you woke up, and led me on once again.

I meant every word of what I've ever said to you- but I guarantee either sanity or consistency in those words. I guarantee love. I guarantee hate and passion. I assure you with my soul pain. But take this for what it is worth, not a plea- it is desperation, but not one of weakness.

You want to see me strong? –Here it is.

I told you I was a bitch.