Hey... So this is a heartfelt letter to the boy I was in love with.... when I wrote this I was seriously crying so hard I had a headach! It is more of a personal thing than a story, but I'm thinking of using this as the begining of a story. Please let me know what you think! Thanks!

names have been changed

Dear Rand,

I've been working through a lot of things, and I realized I needed to apologize for things I've said and things I did, for things I didn't say or didn't do.... for the way I treated you.

I want to start of by saying sorry for the whole Austin Powers thing. Yeah... I was pms-ing, but that still didn't give me an excuse to attack you because you like a movie! Just because I didn't like it didn't mean I had to bring you down for liking it. I'm sorry for the things I said about it too. About how I said if you like that movie then you are just like every other guy. I was just trying to make you feel bad. I'm sorry for saying mean things to you about liking Austin Powers. I'm sorry I broke up with you over such an insane reason. When I broke up with you over it.... It was just to make you feel bad and guilty for liking Austin Powers because I wanted to control things. I'm sorry.

There was the time when you were cutting.... and you trusted me to keep that secret. I went around and told people. That was so wrong of me. After I thought about it I realized I wanted to make you look weak. I felt like I was always the one with problems.... I was always the one who was making mistakes.... and I guess I just felt like if I told them... then I wouldn't look so weak. Yes, I did tell them because I was worried about you , but that was just an excuse to tell them. I'm sorry that I went and betrayed your trust with that. It was wrong and you didn't deserve the pain that my telling other people caused you.

I'm sorry for all of the times I slapped you and punched you randomly or purposefully. Just because I was frustrated or angry about something didn't give me the right to hurt you! It was abusive and it was wrong. I'm sorry for the time that I told you I hated you. You didn't deserve that. I can't even imagine what it was like to hear the girl you loved tell you she hated you. Just so you know... I didn't hate you. I was just upset and you were the one I took it out on. I took it out on you a lot. You didn't deserve that any of the times.

The times I broke up with you.... they were so unfair. I'm sorry for the time I broke up with you because you thought about skinny dipping. You didn't do it. You are a boy and of course it was a natural boy thought. I over reacted big time. The time I broke up with you because I needed "space" was stupid. I didn't need space. I needed someone to be there for me and I knew that you were there... but that scared me. I didn't want you to see me falling apart. So instead of letting you in I pushed you out. I'm sorry I put you through that.

When you would ask me what was wrong and I wouldn't tell you... I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry that I kept what was going on in my mind and my life from you. You were only trying to be there for me. I'm so sorry for pushing you away and not letting you in... once again I was scared. I was scared because I was afraid if I let you in more ... and you saw what a mess I was you wouldn't love me. But I've come to realize that all you wanted to do was help me... that you didn't care I was a mess ... you just wanted to help me clean up the mess.

For the times I flirted with guys... most of the time I wasn't aware that I was doing it, but some of the times I did it just to see if you would get jealous. Because I was insecure. When I gave guys hugs that were too long I was just trying to make you jealous so you would pay more attention to me. Stupid...I know, but that's why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times I would mention , because I knew it bothered you. I didn't cheat on you with him... but I didn't stop the flirting when I could have. For the kiss he gave me... it was most likely less than a second, but when he was walking away I didn't stop him and tell him that it was wrong. I'm sorry I didn't stop him and slap him or something...because by me not telling him it was wrong it made it seem like it was okay... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

When I made fun of your big mouth and spiky hair... I never meant to hurt you. I thought your big mouth was cute! I didn't realize that teasing you about it made you feel bad. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry I made fun of your spiky hair, because I did like your spiky hair... and even though I thought it was funny sometimes It didn't give me the right to put you down about it. I'm sorry I put you down. With my words and my actions. I'm sorry for any rude comments I made about anything. I'm sorry for any hurtful things I may have said to you. My own insecurities and lack of faith made it so I was constantly trying to put you down so I would feel better. I'm so sorry I did that to you.

After spring break.... when I saw you I wanted to cry. I had missed you so much, but I felt like it was wrong that I missed you. I felt like I had missed you too much. I didn't want anyone to think I was dependent on you so I pretended I didn't care. When you told me how much you missed me.... I literally had to bite my tongue to keep myself form saying I MISSED YOU TOO!!! SO FREAKING MUCH! Because in my mind I thought that if you knew how much I missed you ... you would think I was clingy or something. By pretending I didn't care... I really did stop caring. It had been two weeks without spending time with you or talking to you or hugging you.... and then it was another week of avoiding you and not eating lunch with you . I guess I wanted you to miss me more than I missed you ... but I was afraid you didn't so I was just trying to avoid you. And by avoiding you .... it was like I stopped knowing you. It was like I turned you into a stranger. I'm sorry I did that. Keeping you from what I was feeling was wrong. Not telling you how much I missed you and loved you was wrong too. I isolated myself from you. I isolated myself from a lot of people... the ones that cared about me and surrounded myself with people who couldn't care less about me. I was mad at you. I was mad that you didn't trust me. Because I asked you before you left for spring break if you trusted me to go to Paso... and you said no. I was so mad. I was mad because I knew that I hadn't given you reason to trust me and I didn't want to admit that. And then... I smoked that stupid cigarette (the only cigarette). After that I didn't like myself anymore... and then I went on my trip and I had fun... but it was like I wasn't myself. I came back and I still didn't like myself. I was depressed and lonely and mad. I'm sorry that I took it out on you. That I blamed my problems on you.

I'm sorry that I didn't go to your games and cheer you on. I'm sorry I would get mad at you for not calling me when I didn't really call you. I would just make you call me. I'm sorry that I didn't keep you involved it what I was doing too. That I told you I didn't want you to come to the Stars of Tomorrow talent show I was in. Truth is I did want you to come... I just thought that if you saw me and heard me sing you would be disappointed I guess... that I wouldn't be up to your standards. I'm sorry I judged you like that. I'm sorry I made you seem like a guy who only cared about outside appearances. When I knew you weren't.

Most of all I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you when you were with other girls... or talking to other girls ... or even when you would give a girl a high five! An innocent high five. Once again I let my insecurities take over. I'm sorry I didn't trust you to love me that way I was. I'm sorry I didn't trust you to keep my secrets... and I didn't trust you to tell my feelings to. I'm sorry I didn't trust you when you told me you loved me. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you when you asked me what was wrong. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I didn't trust you to tell me the truth. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I told you I didn't have romantic feelings for you.... that I didn't love you. Because I did. But because of my lack of trust I told myself you didn't love me, and I figured if I told you that.... then maybe you would say NO! I love you! I'm here for you! Tell me what's going on!.... but it back fired. And I've realized that the whole time.... THE WHOLE TIME! you were saying that. You always told me you loved me... that you were there for me and wanted to know what was going on. I just never believed it. I'm sorry. For everything I have written in this e-mail and more... I am truly sorry.