A Director and A Crab

Saxon Drury-Godden.


Policeman (non-speaking)
Assistant Director (AD)

Lights on suddenly.

It is a simple bar, the people drinking at the bar are facing away from the audience. There are two people at the bar - one in a policeman's unifrom and one in a clown suit.

Sitting in a director's chair, facing sideways, is the Director.

The clown is sobbing quietly.

Director:More. More crying, it's not loud enough.

Clown starts crying more auidbly.

Director: That's better... we've got to establish that you're rather unhappy... can't very well do that unless we know you're crying, can we, you've got a great big smile painted on your face.

Clown: Yep, I understand Terry.

Director: Shh, don't talk to me. You're breaking character.


AD walks on stage.

AD: Hey, what's up?

Director: We're just doing the establishing shot.

AD: So I haven't missed the bit with the crab?

Director: No, that's much later.

A man in casual jeans and a jacket walk in through a side entrance, behind the bar - he is the bartender.

Bartender: (to clown) Hey, Martin, are you alright?

Clown: No, I am rather unhappy, as expressed by my crying.

Bartender: Oh dear, that's not very good at all, is it?

Clown: No, I don't think it is (There is a pause) Also, I don't think my name is Martin.

Bartender: Oh no? What is it?

Clown pulls the script from under him - he's been sitting on it.

Clown: Uh... I'm not sure; it just says "clown" in the script.

Bartender: So, it could be Martin then?

Clown: Yes, I guess so. Still, probably best if I am nameless.

Director: Hey! You're dropping character again. The audience is getting suspicious.

Clown: Sorry! (He starts crying again)

Bartender: (getting back into character) So, what's wrong, nameless?

Clown: It's just this play I'm in.

Bartender: Yeah? What's upset you about it?

Clown: It doesn't have a punchline.

(Five seconds passes)

A man dressed in a crab suit walks from one side of the stage to another.