A Vital Proposal:
To Remove Political Strife from the Ailing Nation of the United States of America.
Since well before that fateful day in November 2004, a rift has been growing in America. Fear and mistrust is swelling among the citizens, and internal sources tell us that one can barely leave the home without meeting the enemy. Two distinct factions are releasing long-pent-up anger in short spats that grow more intense and more frequent. I – and the rest of the United Nations with me – fear this disturbance is close to reaching the level of the hatred between the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland, the Arabs and Jews in the Middle East, or even African tribal warfare.
Many attempts have been made at easing this constant internal struggle, but, clearly, they all fell short and only worsened the divide. No progress has been made to curb the excessive campaign spending, filibustering, slandering, waste of perfectly good television time on political ads, problems caused to dyslexics by the political left and right, overly-political movies, constant disagreement and loathing of one's fellow man, extreme rivalries between figures such as Michael Moore and Mel Gibson, intense polarization, and general bickering, pettiness, and complaining.
In observing the current situation, I have developed a solution of my own to this tragic problem. Not only will it remove the internal rivalry in the country, but it will create a government perfectly fitted to the needs of its people.
I propose the creation of two new nations from the ruins of the United States. I originally considered the nations to be created based on their affiliation with the Democrats or the Republicans. One nation would consist of the current states of Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Delaware, Vermont, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois, California, Oregon, Washington, and Hawaii, and it would be called the Democratic Commonwealth of America. The other would be made up of Indiana, West Virginia, Ohio, Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, New Mexico, Arizona, Oklahoma, Kansas, Iowa, Nevada, Colorado, Florida, Missouri, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, and Alaska, and it would be called the Republican Federation of America. However, many problems were created by this manner of division, such as the large expanse of Republican land between the Democratic territories of the Northeast and their western states of California, Washington, Oregon, and Hawaii. Therefore, I propose that the nation be divided along the Mississippi River, and that all areas to the West become the Republican Federation, while all areas to the East become the Democratic Commonwealth.
The current military capabilities will be divided between the two nations in proportion with their populations, which should be equal to each other. There will be a short period in which special accommodations will be made for registered Democrats or Republicans to evacuate their home, if they live in a territory proposed to belong to their rival group. They will be compensated for their property, which will be subsumed by the new nation, and they will receive a home equal in value – one subsumed in like manner from a rival party member – in their new nation. Independent voters will be given some accommodations to move to the new country, but due to their neutral political status, they will not receive some privileges such as compensation for land. Instead they will be responsible for selling their own property as well as finding a new home in the new nation.
The current capitol city, being inconveniently located in proposed Democratic lands, but controlled by the Republican faction, is a problem that is harder to solve. I propose the removal of the capitol from the District of Columbia, and creating two new capitols. The capitol of the Democratic Commonwealth would be New York, and Los Angeles would provide a new capitol city for the Republican Federation. There are many advantages to the creation of these two nations, beyond the solution to the Democrat-Republican struggle that is prevalent in America as it exists today.
Firstly, it will create two strong nations, free from internal strife and turmoil. Being cut from the same strong cloth of America – which I admit is not seen at its best today, but nevertheless will prove to be indomitable through its two offspring nations – they will enter the political world ready to take action and continue on in their policies, which none could say are parallel in any way, thus relieving the debate for American foreign policy.
Secondly, each nation will have an immediate natural political ally: two rival nations for whose support these two factions are each asking. Neither nation will be lacking in powerful support, these two allies being equally matched and – for many hundreds of years – powerful rivals of each other. The United Kingdom will certainly extend its hand to the new nation of the Republican Federation of America, while the Democratic Commonwealth will surely be immediately embraced by France. This will also maintain the global balance of power.
Thirdly, because the new nations will equally divide the American nuclear capabilities between the two, and because the animosity between the two groups and between these groups and the rest of the world will be so far removed once they become their own nations with their own agendas, the threat of nuclear war will be eased. There is no fear of the two nations attacking each other, because the creation of the two nations is meant to cease the attacks, verbal or otherwise, between them.
Fourthly, due to division along the Mississippi, the nations will have equal amounts of agricultural lands, industrial cities, cultural centers, and natural formations such as mountains, rivers, and forests. The larger states received by the Republican Federation – Alaska, Texas, Montana, and California – will be offset by the obvious wastelands also within their borders: North Dakota, South Dakota, Idaho, and Wyoming. Theme parks and attractions – such an integral part of American life – will be equally divided, with each nation receiving a Disney theme park as well as at least one Six Flags. This, I'm sure, will remove many tensions that could arise between the two nations, especially among any parents of young children. Most importantly, however, I assure you that there will be an equitable, per-capita distribution of Starbucks coffee shops.
Fifthly, due also to division along the Mississippi and the acquisition of the eastern half by the Democratic Commonwealth, the largely Democratic trade unions will be entirely removed from the threat of the Pacific Rim.
And there are many more advantages that are too numerous to list here, all of which stem from the physical removal of the two factions from each other. As a parent removes bickering siblings, so, too, must we make the decision to remove the Democrats from the Republicans and the Republicans from the Democrats.
Other solutions have been suggested to address this problem, none of which prove sufficient. Advocates for bipartisanship say that the only answer to this problem is for the Americans to put aside their differences and work together. I say that is ludicrous! They are far beyond that point, and cannot return to agreement as shown by the length and severity of this internal war. I therefore suggest that my solution is the only effective one to put an end to the constant internal struggle.
I believe that this division of the current United States of America will bring a peace to the global community not seen for years. The time has come to make a decision, and my proposed action will surely remove such petty disagreements from North America and create long-standing peace, prosperity, and brotherhood.