(INDIANA JONES, SHORT ROUND, AND THAT BLONDE LADY ARE WATCHING A GRUESOME CEREMONY IN WHICH A HEART IS REMOVED FROM A LIVING MAN)
EVIL DEMON GUY: Cali-ma! Cali-ma!
(HE REACHES HAND INTO THE MANS ABDOMEN AND PULLS OUT AN ORGAN)
DEMON GUY: Oops. Accidentally took out his kidney. We'll have to put that back.
(PUTS IT BACK AND STARTS AGAIN)
DEMON GUY: Cali-ma! Oh, crap, I got his appendix.
(A SURGURY IS TAKING PLACE INSIDE A HOSPITAL)
NURSE: Quick, doctor, this man has a bullet in his skull, we need to finish the operation!
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm not a doctor.
(THE NURSES LOOK SHOCKED)
FAKE DOC: But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
(FAKE DOCTOR FINISHES SURGERY)
FAKE DOC: He's all fixed now, Mrs. Smith!
(MRS. SMITH NEARLY FAINTS AT THE SITE OF HER HUSBAND, WHO HAS HIS ARM ATTACHED TO HIS SKULL)
FAKE DOC: Hmm, maybe Medical School would have been better than the Hotel…
ANNOUNCER: MTV brings a brand new series from the makers of "Laguna Beach"…wait, no, it's the makers of "The OC"…anyway, follow these dumb blondes and surfers who have a better life than you!
(SCENE SHOWS TWO BLONDES IN BIKINIS LYING ON THE BEACH)
BLONDE #1: Like, my mom is so totally a bitch. She like, won't let me get my full allowance of 1000 dollars a week because I broke her nail, so I only got, like a pathetic 999 dollars. I can't believe that!
BLONDE #2: I know, girl, it's like, how on earth can you make yourself prettier and therefore better than everyone else unless you have a lot of money? You can't, duh!"
SURFER GUY: Hey, girls, want to see me sway my pretty hair in the wind? My life is so dramatic!
ANNOUNCER: Watch this new show! Now, maybe it was the makers of Falcon Beach…or maybe Beyond The Break…
A PREACHER IS SEEN GIVING AN OVERLY ZEALOUS SERMON
PREACHER: The LAWD says, "ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!!!" Who would like to be healed to-day?
(PREACHER SCANS AND FINDS A PERSON WHO LOOKS PERFECTLY HEALTHY)
PREACHER: You, come get healed! What is yo affliction?
MAN: Uh, I have this ant bite, but I don't think it's that bad…
PREACHER: Does it have that little pussy dot at the top?
PREACHER: THE LAWD SHALL HEAL YA!
(PREACHER PROCEEDES TO BEAT THE MAN UNCONSCIOUS)
PREACHER: Now who thinks he can still feel that ant bite?
AND NOW BACK TO THE WORLD WRESTLING FED…
From the makers of Worfloid™, comes this revolutionary new weight loss system. It's the Portable Vomitorium™! All you do is swallow this bite sized electronic device(cherry flavored), which is preprogrammed with a selected amount of calories. Once you reach your selected calorie intake, the Portable Vomitorium™ will stimulate the muscles, causing a violent eruptions of digested food to spew forth!
NOTE: This product is not recommended by any doctor, nor is it even real. If any doctor recommends this product or any similar product, sue his freakin' butt off!
A new animated series is coming to the CW television network on Saturday mornings. From the makers of Loonatics Unleashed, a legend will be brought into the new generation.
MICKEY MOUSE: Hello, boys and girls, lets go KICK SOME TAIL AND TAKE SOME NAMES!!!!!!!
It's Mickey Xtreme, the new series featuring Mickey as a high powered cyborg secret agent with a Japanese Katana and mind reading powers! Follow him as he and Minnie, now a saucy sidekick with jujitsu skills and the power to create force fields, hunt down the evil Goofy, who now has a medieval flail for a hand and a grudge the size of the Grand Canyon.
DON"T MISS THIS SHOW!
And now, the new video for Bigg Fro, "Wow, that's a big booty!" Only on VH1!
(A SKINNY BLACK GUY WITH A MONSTROUS CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK IS SURROUNDED BY LOTS OF LATIN, BLACK, AND EVERY OTHER RACE EXCEOPT FOR WHITE, WOMEN)
BIGG FRO: "Wuzz up, a be flingin' an singin'
Wit my lovely ladies, no ifs, ands, or maybes
They got big booties, and they got big boobies.
Now watch em' shake it real while I get a new grill!
(GIRLS SHAKE IT)
BIGG FRO: "I'm hippin and hoppin, maybe pills be a poppin
My rhymes make no sense, but as long as I got the cents
Shake it mo and mo.
Check out my big frooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"
NOTE: I own no companies, brands, or television shows except Worfloid™ and Portable Vomitorium™, which are registered trademarks of the CFP Company. If you attempt to use these name brands without my permission prior to use, you shall be duly prosecuted.