The TV flickered above toying with the shadows, the room changing from red to blue falling back again. Silence except for the random patter of a nurse walking past and the mumbling of how to change a coffee tin into a bright flower pot. Sunlight trickled in through the blinds, grazing a flower pot sitting on its edge. I blinked the world spinning in a blur. My head reeled groping for reality. Last night, last night something had happened. After Gordy had left. I remembered Gordy leaving to meet his girlfriend. Something else.
My hand reached out searching the waves of sheets, thin cotton white sheets stained with the day before. The fabric was rough, bittersweet with memories of patients past. It criticized me, you're not in pain, it hissed biting back against my hand tenaciously not flowing away, I've seen worse. My hand dug further into the caverns searching. They couldn't find what they were looking for. I rubbed my face bitterly wiping away sleep and medications. My hands fell away gripping the side of the bed. Sam, she had been here. The camera had vanished from the windowsill. She was gone.
Last night, she had said good bye. Something about, "I'm not good enough for you" , "Sorry about all the trouble." Tears had strained her voice. I wasn't awake. I had fallen asleep and her voice just edged into my conscious. The medications were too strong to let me wake. "You shouldn't love a girl like me. That's not the way the world works." She kissed me on the forehead, leaving me there fighting sleep and drugs. She was gone.
I cursed throwing my pillow at the window, knocking against the flower pot. It teetered there unsure if it longed for attention, finally collapsing dramatically, cracking against the floor with a long resounding thud. Soil sprayed across the ground, the green and yellow smothered, lost in-between dirt and tile. I cursed again pushing myself up, pain shooting up my leg, burning at my knee. I rocked back calling out to no one, clutching the bed in aggravated pain. My head began to spin again, whirling, the commercials swirling around me, dancing as I groped for solid ground. I cursed bitterly falling back into the mattress throwing my arms up for only the plain white ceiling to echo back my frustrations.
The clock ticked pushing against the scratches of pencils and flipping papers. I had gone back to school, my weekend taken over by Aaron and my crazed emotions. It was a mistake going there. "The girl you love..." kept resounding in my head with each tock of the clock. I shuttered staring down at my homework. There was just no way. I hadn't slept, I was delirious, something had to be wrong with me. There was no way that could've been real. The breeze knocked against my back, I tossed my hair, flickering it away. The sun behind me edging its way into my paper, glaring against the plastic desk. I twisted myself away, flicking away the wind.
I glanced up, again another mistake. With each glance, there he was, lips parted as if there was something important right there on the tip of his tongue. His mouth opened further as our eyes met. I bit my lip unconsciously hoping for and hating any words that weren't there. Words fell flat at his tongue. His eyes shot down watching me anxiously his lips parting again until I rejected his newfound bravery, twisting back to the sun.
The crisp fall air tugged at my crutches beating them against their resting pole. I rocked back and forth on the bench, a field of fake greenery stretched out before me, lashed with stripes of white. The scene of the crime, the scene where my sports mediocrity came to an end, the scene where I got the life I wanted. The scene that broke my mother's heart. The night before I had gotten out of the hospital. Relinquished from the ceiling and silent flower that lay dead buried in its own dirt, lying there forgotten and ignored by the attending nurses. I stared at it helplessly, glaring at it for being so free.
"Sweetie, I'm so sorry, but you know I would've come-" She had never come. Only Gordy and Sam showed up, the rest of my friends where imaginary or lost in high school, too busy at the mall to come at least pretend they were good people. Not even my mother came. She was "busy" with her "book club" all weekend. I hobbled out the car, her clicking ahead of me, her waving her arms emphasizing her hectic lifestyle. She turned to me in the car, smiling like I understood saying, "You know how it is, honey."
"I want to break up with Jessie," my mouth blurted, spilling over angrily. Her hand shot to her heart, nails painted and pristine, her lips parted, smoothed over with liner and stick. She began to smile and pushed me lightly.
"Oh honey, you got me-" she tittered batting mascara, smiling with her blushed cheeks.
"I going to break up with her," I bit off in the mist of my mother's giggle.
"Excuse me?" She pursed her lips, plucked brows raising into her hairline. "What brought this on?" She snapped her hair away from her face, blow-dry straight.
I opened my mouth to speak closing it bitterly.
"It's that girl isn't it, the one with the camera," my mother bit off hands gripping the steering wheel. "She's not-" Then her words floated around me, past my ears bouncing around the car seeping out through a crack in the window. "You shouldn' ruin a perfectly good relationship with Jessie for a girl like that." My ears jumped, my hand gripping the door handle.
"A girl like what?"
"Well, you know-" she stumbled wringing her hands together in thought. Opening her painted lips then shutting them once more.
"A girl who stays with me the entire time I'm in the hospital."
"A girl who cared enough to show up when my own mother didn't."
"A girl who hasn't cheated on me for the past five months and didn't even pretend like it wasn't happening. A girl who hasn't been forced upon me. That kind of girl?" I hissed biting against every syllable.
"No, I mean-"
"A girl who I actually care about. A girl I've been in love with for god only knows how long. A girl-" I stopped. The word reverberated back twisting through my mouth, forcibly shoving its way in. Her back went stiff, thin, pale veins bulged from her arms, her entire form frozen against her seat.
"You-" she fumbled meekly, running her tongue over her lips, licking away the polish and lining, slumping against the pleather.
"Mom," I said quietly stroking her hand feeling her blood pulse through the veins that spidered their way up her arm, twisting around the top of her hand, spreading out to her knuckles, disappearing against bone and under pale, loose skin. "I'm breaking up with Jessie."
She blinked at me, a sad smile waning on her dull lips. She nodded solemnly. "I know." I smiled wryly squeezing the hidden veins. "Aaron," she said after her grip loosened against the hard plastic, " I'm sorry I didn't come."
"So?" Gordy grinned rubbing his hands together expectantly.
"So, what?" I blinked at him over my homework.
"You and Aaron... are you-" His words cut short when he saw my eyes drop, avoiding contact.
"What happened?" My teeth tugged on my lips again. It had been four days since the hospital. Rumors were blocked out, I kept my mind numb with homework and books with stories that didn't matter.
"Nothing," I shrugged my pencil hovering just over the Stat problem, eager to start anew, filled with thoughts of numbers and calculations, but my hand hovered there, ignoring the pencil's pleas.
"That damn boy-"
"He broke up with Jessie the first day he got back, did you know that?" The pencil gave up, falling away from my fingertips, compassing the page, rolling off the table, landing on the matted carpet forgotten.
"He did?" I breathed ears straining to hear the truth.
The wind whipped around the pole, harshly beating the flag against the metal as it whipped and wailed struggling for dominance, twisting around itself, stars and stripes intermingled. My crutch crunched the leaves beneath me, shattering them against the concrete. The wind whipped again, twisting her hair around her, falling free of the tie as she struggled to unlock her car. He bag dropped to her elbow as she grasped the hair, commanding it away.
"Sam," I called my voice hoarse against the autumn. She spun around in frustration.
"What?" Her shoulders slumped pleading just to let her be.
"I broke up with Jessie-"
"So I've heard." She twisted away glaring resentfully at her keys.
"I-" Her bag dropped to the ground as she attempted to paste it to her shoulder. "I wanted to-" She grumbled to herself, muttering bitter swears.
"Why are you here? What do you want?"
"You're the only one who stayed-" I stuttered my freckles burning into my flesh.
"And, were you expecting something?"
"A declaration of love?"
"Yes, Aaron, I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?" she growled.
"Or how I've been in love with you for so damn long I've forgotten the fucking reason!" She yanked the strap on to her back, pulling it straight and secure.
"Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go and rot," she stated matter-of-fact throwing the door open chunking the callous bag into the other seat. I blinked standing there, bewildered, wind swirling leaves around, knocking metal against my cast. Tossing the crutch aside, I limped to her car, cast pounding on the asphalt with each step. The pain that surged up and through utterly ignored.
"Sam!" My voice came alive again, the mouse running back to its shed. I caught the door as she attempted to slam it shut. "Damn't wait!" I panted grasping for air, leaning against the door for support.
"What!" She whirled around to face me fury scalding her features.
"Get out of this fucking car!"
"Why should I!"
"What the fuck do you want with me!"
"Get your stubborn ass out of the car!"
" No!" she choked, her voice weakening, "I'm not any fucking good."
"Damn't, stop saying that!"
"You want someone better. You need-" She glowered at air, shaking as her teeth gnawed away her lips.
"You don't know what the fuck I want. Get out of the damn car!"
"I'm no-" I gripped her forearm yanking her bodily out of the car pulling her towards me forcing my lips on hers angrily.
Months of secrets, months of Gordy pointing out the obvious. Years of my mother suppressing me, shoving Jessie at me, set on marriage, set on good southern morals, a good southern business deal. A crazed, desperate need for some of Sam's life, the passion that had shone in her eyes the day I was first knocked out by her. Months of not knowing, frustrations that went beyond physical. The uncontrollable need to touch her, knowing she was everything I could never have, everything I knew I wanted. Months of so many fucking nights where I'd just lay there staring at the ceiling praying she didn't find someone, praying she wouldn't love someone else. Realizing how far I had fallen, hearing that she loved me for fuck knows the reason. All melted, whispered and pulled forcing us further as we angrily drank each other in entirely. Frustration relinquished as my hands gripped her hair, needing to have her wrapped around me. Kissing her neck as her arms wrapped around mine forcing me closer till no oxygen could pass. Not coming up for air. Sweet and bitter lips tasting of salt and blood pressed against mine. The rest of me pleaded, grasping on to her to control the dizzy spiral, to not have to breath, to just to keep falling into her.
A/N: Hope it ended well enough. I need some critques though, so tell me what's working and what's not. All reviews welcomed! smiles for today!