This was written by me, Elisabeth (Seisaset). This is my shared account with Geena (geena aneeg)
I always said I would kill myself if I lost you.
You were the only good thing in my life, the moon at night. I loved you so much.
They told me it wasn't my fault. That there was nothing I could have done. That you hadn't felt that much pain.
But they were all wrong. This was all to punish me. You was to good for me, too good for the world. The last look you gave me, it told me that they were wrong. You felt more pain then they could imagine.
At first I couldn't handle, and I can't now either but I hide it. At first my thoughts of suicide were only so I could be with you again. But then I thought, I would never end up with you again because I knew I was going to hell.
The moments we shared together can never be replaced. Like that time, remeber when you forgot to put your contacts in and we were lost so you said, "Why don't we ask those people?" I started to laugh and you looked at me like I was insane. "Those are duffel bags!" And you started to laugh to, blushing. Those where the best times of my life. I still remember the smell of you're hair.
What I'm really afraid of is losing those memories to time. I never want to lose you again.
Sometimes I tried to blame others, like the doctors, like God. But in my mind all the blame always came back to me.
I was with you the whole time you were in the hopital. I was even with you when you died. Not even you're parents knew it but you're last words had been to me. "I love you." you had whispered then slowly you're eyes blank, the life and love and pain all gone. But you're hand never slipped out of mine, and I didn't let it go until to doctors pried you away from me. It was raining, and I know how much you loved the rain. I sat outside in the rain that whole night. I counted the stars for you. I would've done anything for you.
After the sadness came anger. Anger that you deserved to live and I deserved to die. Anger that I hadn't been given the time to tell you what I wanted to.
Then came realizing. Realizing you were too good for the world, that death was just an illusion, just as life.
I tried not to cry at you're funeral. But as you'r coffin lowered into the ground I felt tears trickle down my cheek. You should've been going down in a palace, not a wooden box. I hated myself for crying, and not being strong enough for you. I had always been strong for you. But I had been broken. I wiped away my tears and left your funeral. The other's there didn't know you the way I did, not even you're parents. Whose parents really knows their teenager? They didn't care about you the way I did, they didn't understand.
I couldn't save you because the fight was inside your body. I wanted to save you, I always wanted to save you. But I couldn't. I had been helpless. I failed you.
Remember when you first go sick? You made me promise that I would never leave you, that I would do all that was possible to be as close as I could to you?
I guess that was why I was here. But also I couldn't live with out you. Maybe there is no heaven or hell but I hope I will be closer to you. I hope it won't hurt as much.
That's why I am standing in the middle of the street, waiting for the light. All things happen for a reason.
"I love you too."