The Kooks are a very kooky family. These are the Kooks you'll soon love and know.
Kenny Kook is the father. He lists his occupation as stonemason. Don't expect correct answers from Kenny. He actually spends all day in the basement practicing Rockball, which is baseball played with rocks.
Nancy Kook is the mother. She calls herself a tailor. Actually, she only makes tails to pin on her children. She's a big fan of pin the tail on the child . Grandy Kook is the grandmother. She's a social security agent. Oops! She's really a social security drawer.
Pianara Kook is the grandfather. He calls himself a prisoner of war. He's convinced that, during the Vietnam War "Back on Earth," he was captured by Vietnam and sold to this "New, strange planet," for ninety-nine bottles of beer to put on a wall. He's bought a pistol to protect himself, and he's convinced that it is really a laser atomizer. When someone asks him a question he points the pistol at his head, he becomes convinced that they're draining information from him for their mission to take over Earth, and he says "I'm going to kill myself."
Then everybody knocks him out with a club they carry around for when this happens, and he forgets everything.
Kook Kook is the 4 month old baby. He's a little wrong in the head, and everybody adores him. Remember, This kid's first name is Kook for a reason.
Yawn Kook is the 6 year old daughter. She's very bored. She spends all day yawning. She's very boring herself too.
Oja Boja Kook is the bird who is working on something. He's trying to speak Bird Pig Latin, and he's hyperventilating quite a bit.
These are the Kooks. And I've started you off by listening to their dinner conversation.
The dinner was chopped microphone. Nancy had to get Oja Boja to go get Kenny up to the dinner table. Oja Boja flew down to the basement and almost got pegged by a rock. Then he let out a loud chirp right as the pitching machine turned on. It made a huge noise and Kenny didn't hear Oja Boja. So Oja Boja dodged through the rocks and tried a Bird Pig Latin chirp. A minute later Kenny looked up to take his rubber bat to have a batting practice, and then he saw Oja Boja, hyperventilating over a Bird Pig Latin chirp, and he came up to dinner.
Grandy had made the chopped microphone, only she hadn't chopped it well enough. She was about to "get down to business" or ask people about their day, but when she cleared her throat it sounded like a legion of giants were raiding, because the microphones made it so loud. Even 4 blocks away it was quite a scare. Mr. Hannigan had leaped out of bed, and got his rifle out. Then from 4 blocks away from the Hannigans the Murrays heard Mr. Hannigan's rifle fire three times. Mr. Murry ran a loony bin, and the moment he heard that rifle, he knew someone was loony. So he took out his machine gun and ran toward the sound. When he got to the Hannigans he fired his machine gun for a minute. When the loony bin security guards heard the machine gun, they knew that someone around the town was loony. So they got their bazookas and fired all over the town, looking for the guy gone loony. When the Kooks had chopped up the microphones a little more, the whole town was destroyed.
At the dinner table Grandy asked Pianara if he had had a good day. He answered by sticking the pistol to his head and he said, "I'm going to kill myself!" Kook was the fastest thinker. He took out his club and knocked him on his head. Then Grandy asked Yawn how her day had been. Yawn yawned 20 times and then said, "I don't know."
Grandy was a chatterbox and she never took I don't know for an answer. She said to Yawn, "More specific please, you imbecilic brat!"
Yawn was scared to death, so she said, "I wondered about the rain drops. How do they look so much like water. Maybe it's that rain is made out of blue paint..." Then she started to go on and on for an hour, until Pianara became conscious and said "What's evil alien grandmother doing?"
Everybody looked around. They had been so busy trying to stay awake that they hadn't noticed that Grandy had dozed off. They checked to see if she was really asleep, and then they all yelled simultaneously, "KARTY!"
A karty is a kooky party. Pianara's busy wrecking the radio. Only he says it's really an alien cellular phone and might be able to call "home." Yawn is busy looking at the raindrops and yawning. Kenny is practicing his rockball swing. Kook is busy drooling. Oja Boja is in his room practicing pig latin. He is also hyperventilating, and Nancy is pinning the tail on the child. (Today it's Yawn's turn). Everybody's having a great time until Kenny hits a rockball up the stairs. It ricochets off the wall for a while and finally goes downstairs.
In the morning Yawn is ready to go to school. She has a private tutor, Joe Fergaforguson of the loony bin. But when she walks outside she notices something is wrong. She walks a block to try and find exactly what's wrong. Then she notices, runs home and says, "hey everybody, the town's been demolished."
Kenny Kook talks to his real estate agent. He finds a house he likes. The house has one room and a 1 square mile basement, which is fine with him because it suits his craze for rockball. But Nancy isn't content with it. She found a house with many knitting machines. She wants to make more tails to pin on the children. But Grandy wants to live in a cave. She wants to hear everything and be heard by everything. Pianara talked to the real estate agent about a home near a space station. He wants to get "home" in a hurry. That's how the Kooks lost their 23rd real estate agent. So they find a new one. Yawn tells him she wants to live in a raindrop. Fortunately the real estate agent is very understanding, so he says he'll see what he can do. Then Kook says he wants to live on top of Mount Everest in a puddle of drool. He also wants to live next door to a monkey. Fortunately the real estate agent isn't fluent in babyish, so he doesn't understand what kind of kooky idea Kook is thinking of. Then Oja Boja starts chirping in Bird Pig Latin about having a Bird Pig Latin tutor, the real estate agent saw the hyperventilating bird, so he ran to the loony bin. That was how the Kooks lost their 24th real estate agent. So they found a new one named Lorby Maglory.
Lorby was understanding and a little loony himself too. He was fluent in 84 different languages of which included Babyish and Hyperventilating Bird. He asked everybody what they wanted.
He knew a great house for Kenny. It was right by where the rockball championships were held, so it had an oversize basement. The house was good for Nancy's pin the tail on the child obsession because the house was also near the pin the tail on the child championships. It obviously had a lot of sewing machines. Grandy liked the house because the house had a computer made for hacking. She could get her social security up a bit with it, but most of all, the house was an echo hall. You could hear a mouse from anywhere in the house. Everybody would hear her and she would hear everybody. He found it hard to please Pianara. He still wanted to go "home" to Earth. So then Lorby remembered it was in Houston so it was near an airport. But then he asked Pianara if he liked it. He was stunned by somebody saying, "I'm going kill myself!" and then when everybody smacked Pianara with a club they lost their 25th real estate agent. Kenny was ready to look at the address and buy it impersonating Lorby, but Yawn yawned and said, "I don't like this place." But then she noticed that it was shaped like a raindrop and she was ready and raring to research why raindrops looked so much like water. She even offered to get a Lorby Maglory impersonation at the "impersonate your real estate agent" store. But then Kook wanted to live on top of Mt. Everest, in a puddle of drool, next door to a monkey. Then they found out that it's address was 11 Mt. Everest Avenue. But Kook said that he needed to learn how to swim. There's one thing you need to know. Any kooky person wanting to be accepted in the National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level had to have learned to swim in a puddle of drool. Anybody who was sane and sanitary enough to learn otherwise could never be accepted. Naturally, any kook wanted a puddle off drool near their house. Then Kenny said, "Hey, the National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level is near by Mt. Everest Avenue. It probably has a puddle of drool." It did. But Kook still complained that he needed to expand socially and speak to monkeys. They checked who lived next door. Next door dwelled Mr. Virlius Monkey and Mrs. Chutney Monkey. Kook was ready to go. They promised Oja Boja a Bird Pig Latin tutor so they all ran over to the "impersonate your real estate agent" store.
They talked to Banananana Hocktitoe, the cashier, about impersonating Lorby Maglory and Kenny ended up looking like an exact duplicate. They bought the house.
Kenny joined the Kooky Above All Kookiness Rockball League. He was his team's power hitter. Nancy joined the Kooky Above All Kookiness Pin the Tail on the Child League. She even entered Yawn as the Yowler. That's pin the tail on the child lingo for the child who gets the tail pinned. Grandy is busy talking. She loves the echo chamber. She's also joined the Kooky Above All Kookiness Chatterbox Organization. Pianara went to the airport. He found out that ALL trips went to Earth. The problem is that no trips went "home." His home was in Houston before he was sold to aliens, so no planes went to Houston because they were in Houston. Yawn, when she isn't being pinned with tails, is researching the house. Kook is busy swimming in drool and talking to the Monkeys. Oja Boja is hyperventilating less and less. He even said a sentence today. He said, "Get off my foot." "Et-gay off-way y-may oot-fay."
Kenny comes home and says "Hey everybody! I have a rockball game tomorrow."
Nancy says "No can do. I have a pin the tail on the child tournament today. Yawn was the only child that volunteered. She's the yowler."
"I don't care about a yowler! A rockball game is more important than any of your filth!"
"Well, it's 2 against 1." At that point Grandy and Pianara joined Kenny's side. Kenny said "3 against 2. Rockball it is." Nancy looked toward Kook, but he jumped back in the puddle of drool. Then she looked toward Oja Boja, but he flew away. They went to the rockball game.
Nancy was yelling like mad. "Go Psychotically Insane ones! Beat the Killer Kooks down to the ground!"
Pianara said "Um, Nancy, Kenny's on the Killer Kooks."
"Oh. Killer Kooks! Kill the unkooky ones!"
"Um, Nancy, they're psychotically insane. That's equivalent to being kooky."
The game started. The Killer Kooks were up at bat and Virlius Monkey was the first batter. He got 4 rocks (balls in baseball) and walked. The second batter was a kook named Chump Chumpo. He bunted and ran with amazing speed to first. He got the man to second as well as reaching first. The third batter was named Triple Play. He hit it to the third basemen. He got Virlius out and threw to the second baseman to get Chumpo out. Then he got Triple Play out at first. Triple Play had just hit into a triple play.
Kenny also pitched for the Killer Kooks. Nancy was yelling, "Stick it in his ear!" Kenny threw the rock into the batters mouth. By chance the batters name was Eata Anythinga. Kenny got out of the inning giving up no runs.
Kenny was up first the next inning. Well he would have been but the umpire said, "Game over! I'm tired." Nancy rushed home. When Kenny came home a rockball hit him in the head. He looked down the basement. He saw Nancy hitting rockballs up the stairs. He quickly called the rockball scout for his team. He came over and they watched Nancy hit the rocks up the stairs. He immediately offered her a contract. She immediately accepted. She went to rockball tryouts the next day. After that she immediately refused to play rockball. She hadn't had the best game of her life and she had a rock in each ear to show for it. They both immediately canceled the contract. Both sides agreed to the cancelling, so it was a legal canceling.
The next day Kenny agreed to go to Nancy's pin the tail on the child game. At the game he started yawning as much as Yawn does. Then he saw a fat lady pin the tail on Yawn. He looked at the score. Nancy had 5 pins, that fat lady had 1 pin, and Chutney Monkey had 9. Yawn was literally being a yowler. Then the fat lady began to sing. She sang "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands." She was out of the game. Then Chutney Monkey made another pin, and another. Nancy was 6 pins behind. Then she whispered something to Yawn. She got a pin, and Chutney Monkey missed. Then Chutney Monkey called time out and complained to the referee. The referee listened and came out with a huge chain. He tied it onto Yawn. Apparently Nancy had told Yawn to move in the right place. Then he took away a pin from Nancy. Then Nancy decided to give in. The problem was that she only weighed 172 lbs. You had to be 175 lbs. In order to be a fat lady. But Nancy saw a food stand. She ran over and ate everything in it. She weighed in at 176 lbs. She sang "The Hoky Poky." Chutney Monkey was very happy, because she had won the game.
Pianara had boarded a plane. It was going to San Antonio. On the plane the stewardess asked him a question. She, along with everybody on the plane fainted, due to Pianara's, "I'm going to kill myself". Everybody but the pilot. But the pilot looked down the aisle, and seeing all the unconscious bodies, he fainted. Pianara took control of the plane, and with his fighter pilot experience, he landed back in Houston. When he got home he went into the house. He saw Grandy laughing her head off. Everybody asked what was so funny. Apparently, Grandy had been very successful hacking. The government believed that they hadn't paid her social security for 10 years, and she was getting jackpot. The letter said:
Our apologies. We are sorry we haven't paid your social security in 10 years, so here is a check enclosed to you.
Yawn had made a discovery. Raindrops were actually made of blue paint. She had seen the outside of the house, and indeed, it was blue paint. Not purple, not torqoise, blue. She was going to go call The National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level, but she had to be yowler. During the game the fat lady said to her "Isn't it funny that raindrops are made of blue paint?"
Yawn was devastated. She had spent her whole life trying to get a patent on the discovery of what raindrops were made of, only to have a fat lady beat her to it. She decided to do a study on the color yellow.
There was another dispute. Rockball or pin the tail on the child. Kook voted for rockball, Oja Boja said, "Rockball," In Bird Pig Latin. They went to the rockball game in the end.
They were playing the Insane Imbeciles. Nancy started cheering like mad. Then Virlius Monkey stepped up to the plate. He smashed a double to the left field wall, which was easy since the left field wall was only 250 feet away. Then Chump Chumpo bunted him over to third. Now Triple Play came up. When he got to the plate he yelled at the umpire, "how could you call that pitch a strike?"
The umpire answered back "Cause I'm doing my nails, do you expect me to pay attention?"
"Yes I do! And if you don't pay attention I'll bork you in your binkle!"
That was an automatic ejection. The Killer Kooks put in Anonymous the Magnificent. He walked. The bases were loaded for Kenny. The first pitch was near his toes, so he stole the rock from the catcher and threw it back at the pitcher. Then he hit a foul rock right into the umpire's helmet. The helmet cracked open, and the umpire said to Kenny, "Die, you scumbag, or I'll crush you like the bug that you are!" Kenny stared at him, and hit a line drive right at the food stand in right field. Everybody came home, but the food stand had toppled over. Fans came running onto the field for the free food. Then the players did, and then a Chihuahua did. He bit off Chump Chumpo's toe, and ran away. Then order was restored by the president of the National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level. But there was one problem. The umpire ruled that the runs didn't count, because of fan interference, so Kenny yelled at him "do you want me to hit another one of those foul rocks at your mask?" The umpire shut up and the Killer Kooks won the game.
Kook rushed home and started hitting rockballs. He hit one all the way into Virlius Monkey's basement, where Virlius had been practicing. It went up the stairs, and Virlius thought he had hit it, and decided to ask for a raise.
When Kenny came home He saw Kook and called the Killer Kook's scout. They watched, awestruck by the tiny toddler's power. They automatically signed him, and they automatically won the next game. This is how.
The Killer Kooks had a new batting order.
1 Virlius Monkey SS
2 Chump Chumpo CF
3 Triple Play 3b
4 Kook Kook P
5 Kenny Kook LF
6 Bork Binkle RF
7 Dorka Lorka 2b
8 Anonymous the Magnificent 1b
9 Somebody C
Kenny was bitter that Kook was replacing him in the line up, and taking his position. So he worked up a plan to get it back. He walked up to the coach, Dumb Dumber, and gave him some kookiar, the kooky caviar. But coach hated kookiar, and put Kenny 6th in the lineup and in RF, with Bork Binkle 5th and LF. The game was going great for everybody else. Virlius started with a walk, and Chumpo bunted him over, getting on first himself. Then Triple Play came up, and he hit a triple, for the first time ever. That scored everybody, then Kook stepped up, and broke Snickey Snantle's record. He hit a 566 foot home run, 1 foot longer than Snantle's home run. Then Bork Binkle got on for Kenny, but the pitcher threw a slowrock and Kenny grounded into a double play, and coach took him out of the game, Moron Mifajlef taking his place. Dorka Lorka batted like the dork he is, and struck out on a pitch 12 feet over his head. Then Kook got to pitch.
The first pitch went at 108 miles per hour, breaking Hob Rarsen's record by 1 mph. By the end of the game, it would take years to rewrite the record books, but Kook wasn't having fun, so he quit. Fortunately, he only had a one day contract, which was becoming very popular as the "Nancy Kook" deal, so that nobody would stink up the place and decide to stay. Kenny was happy because he got his position back, but the team was unhappy because they knew that winning the Kooky Series would be tough this year.
Oja Boja had decided to become a teacher in Bird Pig Latin. He went around the neighborhood and taught birds Bird Pig Latin. He was planning to join the Kooky Above All Kookiness Bird Pig Latin Organization, but you had to have teaching experience in order to join. So Oja Boja had decided to teach. The first bird he taught was named Pinkolly. Pinkolly was a very small, very mischievous bird. Oja Boja came in the house and had to find Pinkolly in order to teach him. Pinkolly had been hiding in the sink, down the drain, and Oja Boja took 50 minutes to find him. He spent the next 10 minutes lecturing Pinkolly in Bird Pig Latin, and then the lesson was over. The next bird he went to was named Peeyou. The house smelled very indescribably bad, so Oja Boja decided to hide from it, and go on to the next house. Over there he was to teach a bird named Pookijedijagaja. He tried teaching him, but the bird was amazingly stupid. Oja Boja quit all together and decided that the Kooky Above All Kookiness Bird Pig Latin Organization could wait. But back at home he would see something even more exciting than his day.
The president of The National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level was looking for a vice president, and he had picked a family out of a hat to stay with for a week. The name that came out was Kook. Now the Kooks had heard the news, and Grandy went out to buy some kookiar, which the president loved. When the president came to the house, he was greeted by the Kooks the way the pope would be by a Catholic. He came to the house and he saw a turquoise and aqua banner (The National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level's official kookiatic colors) that said "President for President." He certainly felt welcomed.
At the table he asked everybody a few questions, which he was recording in his notebook. He asked Kenny about rockball statistics. He asked about all the records.
"Who holds the record for longest home run?"
"Kook Kook." Kenny grunted at that.
"Who holds the record for fastest pitch?"
"Kook Kook." Kenny was starting to get in a bad mood.
"Who holds the record for most home runs in a game?"
"Kook Kook." Kenny said to the president "Why don't you ask Kook about this?"
"Well, you're the rockball fan, Kook quit, you know." The president answered.
"So Nancy, who holds the record for most pins in a game?" the president asked.
"11, by Chutney Monkey." Nancy was starting to get in a bad mood as well.
"Who holds the record for most losses?"
"173, by the fat lady." Nancy didn't feel as bad as Kenny.
"Who holds the record for most wins?"
"113, by Chutney Monkey." Nancy didn't care. Chutney was in her 24th year.
"Who holds the record in Nintendo 64 wins?" That's what they did when it rained.
"627, by the fat lady." Nancy thought that she should stop playing 64, and start pinning her children. Then the president moved on to Grandy.
"Who's leading the Kooky Above All Kookiness Chatterbox Organization in votes so far in the election?"
"Grandy Kook." Grandy liked this president so far.
"Who has the least?"
"Riraru Rararura." Grandy had always liked that name.
"And who is the president?"
"Dimwit Dogluger." Grandy didn't like that fact, but in a week she would win the election.
"And who holds the record in words per minute?"
"322, Grandy Kook." Grandy decided to buy some more kookiar for tomorrow. Then the president moved on to Pianara.
"What kind of a plane did you fly in the Vietnam War?"
"I'm going to kill myself!" Pianara replied. Then Kook hit him on the head with a club. The president liked that, and believed it was a true sign of kookiness. But he had other reasons for that question too. He was planning something that would use fighter pilots. Then he asked Yawn "What are raindrops made of?"
"Blue paint." Yawn remembered that fat lady and her discovering it first.
"What does the color yellow stand for?" Yawn yawned 23 times and said "I don't know. Maybe it's that yellow's really made of black licorice and apples. The black licorice makes lemons taste good, and the apples are for teachers, to butter them up with yellow..." She went on for an hour, and when Pianara woke up, everybody had noticed Grandy dozing off and were kartying. The president was observing everybody, and he started off with Kenny. He gave Kenny some tips on pitching rockballs faster, because rocks are very hard to pitch. He gave Nancy a tip on what height to stand so that she could pin the tail on Yawn, and by the time he finished coaching Grandy on speaking faster she was up to 400 words per minute. Yawn he taught how to yawn for 2 minutes, something that he had discovered himself. With Kook he showed him how to swim the sidestroke in drool, Pianara he avoided because he didn't have a club with him. Oja Boja he taught how to chirp in a way that it was impossible to hyperventilate. Then he went to bed and thought about which of the Kooks would be good for his plan. He thought Kook would be a great vice president, but he wouldn't be right for his plan. So far Pianara would be the best. He just needed a club to ask him a few more questions.
The next day the president decided that they would go to the pin the tail on the child game.
Nancy started off with a pin, and Chutney Monkey missed. This time the fat lady had to go to her husband's rockball game, so Dorris Dillwikter was playing. She missed by far. The president was getting bored, as were Kenny, and Grandy, and Pianara, and Kook, and, of course, Yawn.
When some other kooky spectators saw that the president of The National Kook Society of Higher Insanity Level was there, somebody called up the president of the Kooky Above All Kookiness Pin the Tail On the Child League to bring in a surprise. He brought in a cake that said "NKSHIL president for US president." When the cake said that, it spoke for kooks all over the world. The president ate the cake, which was microphone flavored. It reminded the Kooks of the last dinner they had in their old town, because it didn't seem chopped up enough. Fortunately, it was cake, so it didn't sound like a legion of giants were raiding when the president cleared his throat. He said "So, Pianara, how long were you a fighter pilot?"
"I'm going to kill myself!" Everybody was so bored, they didn't even notice. The president stole Grandy's club, and knocked Pianara on the head with it.
Nancy had a 16 - 4 lead, and Chutney Monkey decided to give in. The problem was, she had never lost before, so she had never bothered to be a fat lady. She weighed 113 lbs. Then she had an idea. She picked up Yawn, and then weighed herself. She weighed 183 lbs. Yawn had helped give Chutney Monkey her first defeat all season.
The president was going to leave the Kooks for another family, since it had been a week, but then he made his announcement. That announcement kooks will always remember. He said, "Ladies and kookymen, kooks and kookettes, today kooks will go toward a new level in life. World domination. I have been working on my plan, and it was to take over Earth." At that point Pianara gasped. "Kook Kook is my vice president, and Pianara Kook is my war strategist." Pianara let out a larger gasp. Then he ran toward the airport. He booked a flight to San Antonio, but the unkooky ones at the airport had refused to let him take his gun on the plane, so he went without it. Sure, he had been living on this new, strange planet for 36 years and adored many people on it, but Earth was his home planet. Sure, there were people from Vietnam that might be in San Antonio that would do anything to get 99 more bottles of beer to put on that wall of theirs, but their would be other people to make sure that their wall stayed empty.
At San Antonio he went up to the mayors office, and he said, "You've got to get the military ready, kooks from another planet are going to take over Earth!" But then he saw who the mayor was. It was his brother, back on Earth. "Igor?" he asked.
"Pianara?" Igor asked. Igor certainly had no idea that his brother was a kook. Then, suddenly, Pianara remembered that the alien thing had all been a dream. He had had it the night after his plane crash-landed on the way to Vietnam, and he remembered that the strange, new planet was really Earth. Then he noticed that the kooks were taking over Earth, not alien kooks. He said "Oh, my mistake, I have some work to do." He flew back to Houston, where everybody had been looking for him, and he said to them "Come on, hurry up, we have a planet to take over!"
All the kooks in the world got their planes, which had lines hooked up to get directions from Pianara. Each plane had a laser gun which was the newest technology, and could kill anything they wanted it to. There were thousands of kooks, so there were thousands of planes, so the kooks easily took over Earth. But the president had died in battle, leaving Kook to take his place. Kook decided that he had had enough of that unkooky democracy, and changed to a Kookistocracy, the kooky Aristocracy. That meant that Kook would leave the Kook King to one of his heirs when he died. But Kook wouldn't die for a while, so kooks expanded kookywise over the 80 years that Kook was Kook King.
That's the story of how a few thousand kooks took over the world. They probably wouldn't have done it without the Kooks, so the chopped microphone that helped destroy that town lead a big part in history.